Friday, July 01, 2005

A weekend of partying

Gosh, a few years ago that statement would've meant something entirely different. It would've meant:

*On Friday, taking a nap as soon as you get home from work so you'll have lots of energy for the upcoming event.

*Spending 3 hours getting ready.

*Slipping into your tightest Rockies and boots. (Back in the days of the thong panties...Now I'd just lose something that small...)

*Drinking before you ever left for the bar (to save money).

*Having sex before you ever left for the bar.

*Not leaving for the bar until 10pm.

*Drinking mass quantities of liquor at the bar.

*Dancing to every song that was played - even the line dances.

*Usually barfing on the way home at least twice.

*Making it home where - depending on how much you'd puked on the way home - you'd either pass out or have really loud, sloppy sex THEN pass out.

*Sleep till 3 the next afternoon only to start all over again.

And the older I get, I really don't miss it all that much. To be honest, I think more about the money we wasted back then.

Now a weekend of partying translates into:

*Cleaning the house - which starts 3 days before the event - and eventually allowing yourself to be bribed by the children and you pay them to dust and run the vacuum.

*Ridding the house of the cobwebs that you don't care if your family sees, but you'd rather your friends didn't go home after the party talking about what a cute house it'd be "if she were just a better housekeeper".

*Making sure you are stocked up on cartoon character bandaids and Neosporin.

*Making sure there's plenty of fluids so no one dehydrates on your property.

*Making sure the fence is locked and the pool is covered and the ladder is locked safely away so no one drowns on your property.

*Spending more money on citronella candles and OFF! than you used to spend on beer.

*Threatening your children that if they don't clean their rooms then you will post a huge sign on the door that says "THIS CHILD IS A PIG AND WON'T LISTEN TO HIS/HER MOTHER" just to take any blame off of you.

*Begging your husband, "Please, for the love of all things good and right in this world, do not wear socks with your sandals."

*Finding time an hour before the guests arrive to grab a quick shower, shave only the part of your leg that will show below your capris, pull your wet hair back into a ponytail and if you're lucky, slap on some mascara.

*Drinking one beer, but it makes you so sleepy you have to make a pot of coffee.

*Worrying so much about your guests being happy, hydrated and fed that you manage to get one bite of a cold hot dog, a handful of Cheetos and possibly a dill pickle as you're cleaning up.

*Marveling at how big everyone kids have gotten since the last time you got together.

*Standing in the midst of a group of women on one side of the yard, all of you shooting dark, perilous glances at the group of men gathered around the barbecue, griping about what jerks you all married.

*Getting the kids occupied in a game and then sneaking around the back of the house for a cigarette, then spraying yourself down with OFF! to mask the smell.

*Finding yourself yawning at 10:30 and wishing the children would just fall asleep wherever they drop in the yard.

*When the guests finally leave, the children are in bed, you drop into the recliner with a sigh of satisfaction and fall asleep immediately - shoes on and everything.

Now that's my idea of partying!

From now until Tuesday I will be busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest, so if I don't blog for a few days

Happy 4th of July, Everyone!

Be safe, have fun and make sure you take notes so you can blog like crazy!


Politically Homeless said...

hehe. I do mostly a lot of the second kind of partying these days. But you know? I'd love to kick up my heels and see if I could pull the first one off again.

Have a great holiday weekend!

Anonymous said...

I have to agree that I party like you do these days, although it is OK, I had my fill of the other. These days, I don't get through a whole beer, before I am ready to pass out from sheer exhaustion. Once in awhile I can drink one or two Margarita's. ONCE IN AWHILE!

I hope you have a good 4th of July!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to know people of other countries for friendship. I'm from São Paulo, Brazil! I’m inviting you to know my homepage in portuguese, of course but interesting! Bye!!!!!!

Redneck Diva said...

Brian-I'd like to give it a try, too, but I know myself well enough to know that no one else would have a good time with me the next day - I'd be crankier'n hell! I'd better stick to the partying I'm comfortable with now, lol.

J-I didn't have NEAR my fill of the other! Isn't that sad?

Rico-Dude, if I could read Portuguese . . .

Bill-If I wasn't married the biggest OLD FART in the universe I could probably party with the best of 'em still. As it is, we just hang out here are party like grownups...

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...