The First Half

In case you've been hiding under a rock on planet Xenon474, it's kind of been a shitshow since 2020 started. I shan't go into all the worldwide details because I'm preeeeety sure you've actually been here living it like the rest of us. 

The program I work for hosts a cultural trip for the students each semester. Sometimes it's a play or the ballet, but this spring semester it was a several-day trip to Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX, over Spring Break. I don't particularly like to travel and I was also in the final weeks of my own final semester of college, so I opted to stay home from the trip and also took the week off work just to kind of chill a bit. There were mutterings and small news blurbs of a virus teetering on the verge of epidemic, but honestly nothing alarming. Then every day there were more reports and that tiny broken part of my brain where OCD lives took that information and started crocheting a little granny square of panic. Then it started to become more of a tea towel. When I felt like we were reaching afghan of doom territory, I decided to use one of my precious days at home alone to go shopping. I went to Sam's Club, Aldi, and Walmart in Joplin that day. My little red Camry was loaded to the hilt simply because I rarely ever make all three stores in one fell swoop. I didn't overbuy or hoard a thing - the cases of water and toilet paper were just my usual purchases when I shop. I've always been a toilet paper stocker-upper because -- well, I don't know why. It's just security to me. I know, I'm weird. I mean, ya'll pretty much knew this from the start, right? If you didn't, that's probably just on you. I text my coworkers a joking text about how I was shopping and people were kinda crazy, shopping carts were full, crowds were busy and rude. They said Texas was totally normal, you'd never know there was talk of a virus there. 

By the time they got back from the trip things were different. In a matter of a few days it went from quiet murmurings to borderline panic. I went to work that following Monday after Spring Break sick at my stomach, nervous, scared, unsure. Paul didn't want me to go. Hell, I didn't want to go. We had a meeting that morning with the college president who said, "This meeting is out of CDC guidelines and will be our last of this kind." That didn't help my anxiety. I spent the whole meeting trying to focus on his words but instead looking around noticing how many people were touching their faces, how close we were all sitting to each other, and wondering if anyone in the room was infected. It was very surreal. Not long after the meeting our department director called us each in her office individually and asked if we wanted to work from home. I nearly jumped across her desk to embrace her, but thought better of it. When I left that day I didn't return to campus for 10 weeks. My stash of Slim Jims in my desk expired and my trail mix went stale. 

About two weeks into lockdown Paul and I talked and then talked to Abby and Dakota and made the decision to quarantine the girls here with me while the guys hunkered down together at Abby's house. Both guys were essential and were going to be working the whole time and with Abby and Wemberly having asthma, we just didn't want to risk exposure. In a matter of hours, she packed food, clothes, and toys while I did a quick child-proof on the house, packed Paul's bag of clothes, food, and medicines, then sat on the porch crying until they got here. We did that for six weeks. I regret nothing. We existed on Walmart grocery pickup, two Aldi runs by me where I basically wore a beekeeper's suit and sprayed a cloud of Lysol around me the whole time. It wasn't until a month in that we felt brave enough to ev3en do a Sonic run. 

The first week of June the four of us in our department at work started going in and covering the office one day a week each. We mask up, stay to ourselves, and just do our time. School is scheduled to start on-ground mid-August and we've been advised to leave each day like we won't be coming back. I doubt we keep the entire semester on-ground, but given current numbers Oklahoma and Missouri should both be back in lockdown and that hasn't happened yet, so who knows.  

I'm sick of the phrase "new normal," I'm tired of being asked what the semester is going to look like, I'm tired of wondering if every time I get a tickle in my throat I am infected, I am sick of being scared all the time. I'm not tired of not going to Walmart, though. Grocery pickup was my best friend well before this whole shitshow began. Too people-y for sure on any given day. 

Now for cuteness:

Her apples always look like a mouse has gotten hold of them. She just nibbles them to death. 

Wemberly found this rock on Pa-Paul's nightstand the first day they were locked down at my house and she carried it everywhere for a few weeks until she lost it. She slept with it, it took a bath with her, it sat next to her plate while she ate. 

We had many many bed parties while in quarantine. While the mom I was always said no to jumping on the bed, the grandma almost always says yes. ;) 

Running off some energy! 

Every morning while I would work on school work, the girls would get the color. They liked their morning activities much more than I liked mine. 

Family Zoom meetings kept us from feeling completely alone in the world up here on the Mountain. 

 

Petal's speech therapist was a rockstar on Zoom! Petal hated it and screamed a lot, but they managed to make it through with very little regression. 

Wemberly got a teal streak in her hair just like Momma and Kiki! Is that face not the most precious? 

I told them if they could be responsible and not push any buttons they could
Facetime their Tatty all by themselves. <3 

The wasps coming out when it started warming up kept us inside most days, but occasionally we'd get lucky enough to get to spend some time out on the porch without being under attack. 

While it was certainly not how we had intended to spent six weeks of our spring, I will always remember the time I got with three of my girls. 

My nap buddy every day during quarantine. I loved having that time with just me and her, snuggling, giggling, marveling at the miracle she is. I didn't get to do that with Petal because Petal is a tiny tyrant and pretty much hates me lol. I'm working on her. 

Tatty and Zach surprised us with a window visit one afternoon! 

The Easter Bunny came to the Mountain this year! The candy is always the best part. 

Pa-Paul came up to mow the yard and we had a window visit! 

It was a big deal to get her to pick the pizza up by herself! 

We had a Zoom birthday party for Sammy's girlfriend Maegan since she couldn't party like normal. 

Best helpers! 

So serious

I was editing student papers and watching this insanity unfold before me. 

We pulled Momma's old dollhouse down off the shelf and it was a perfect "new" toy to play with and keep them occupied! 

Petal had never had her toenails painted. She smiled the whole time! 

Wemberly was VERY excited! 

First car ride in over a month! 

The week after the girls moved back home, I finished school and while I didn't get regalia or a ceremony, I dug around in my hope chest and found my mortarboard from high school graduation and plopped it on my head for a selfie. It was a lackluster celebration for a degree that was 29 years in the making, but I still did it and FINALLY finished! 

So here we are, halfway through July, numbers spiking, people arguing, the future very unknown. I'm reviving the blog, writing for the newspaper again, focusing on going back to work and staying safe. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on masks that coordinate with my outfits, and try not to spend every moment of every day in a panic attack. 

Thank you for sticking with me and my sporadic posting. It's a work in progress. I have had this beautiful home on the internet since 2004 and I am ready to come home and settle in again. Blogging is probably a dead art form - or at least the way it used to exist, but I've never been one to do what's "normal" so here I am. Blogging again. Like a boss. 

Dot Com

(Originally published in the Miami News-Record) (edited a smidge)

This past week I posted to my blog, something I hadn’t done in a long time. My last post before then had been almost exactly two years prior and even it was just one of my columns from here reposted there. And for pretty much all of 2015 it was the same thing as well. What can I say? I’ve been busy.

June 7, 2004, was my very first blog post. So that means 14 years ago this month I decided to jump in with both feet and tell the world apparently everything floating around in this brain of mine. That first post is so cringe-worthy. I mean, I literally cringed when I read it just now. Thank God I got better at it. June 7, 2004, is also when my mother doubled up her worrying about me because she was (read: still is) 1500% sure that some crazed lunatic was going to read my blog, become insanely obsessed with me, kidnap me, chop my body into pieces, stuff said pieces into a barrel and bury them in his backyard. I think she is precious for thinking that. One, because a mother’s love and concern doesn’t stop when her child becomes an adult and she’s just doing her job. And two, my mother thought I was still wonderful enough at age 31 that she believed someone would find me so irresistible they’d want to kidnap me. She’s truly my biggest fan. Need a morale boost? Ask your mom. See yourself through her eyes for a bit. Chances are, she finds you kidnap-able. And I think that’s sweet. In a scary, obsessive way, but still sweet.

So those early blog posts were inane and boring and they droned on and on about my children, my sister’s children, laundry, the weather, and how I never got enough sleep. I still write about all of that, but again, thank God I got better at it. In 2006 and 2007 I won Best Humor Blog in the Okie Blog Awards. In 2009 I won Best Rural Blog. In 2009 I beat Pioneer Woman in that category. Yes, THE Pioneer Woman, the one who has a show on Food Network and a four bazillion acre ranch and now owns a Mercantile where people stand in line outside all day just to get in to browse her line of housewares and eat from a menu that probably doesn’t have a single solitary recipe made with commodity cheese. THAT Pioneer Woman. But y’all, I BEAT HER back in 2009 and that means at that point in life, I was “more rural” than a wealthy ranch lady who says “y’all” a lot on her TV show and actually owns a pair of cowboy boots. So there’s that.

I renew my domain faithfully every year because I am selfish and cannot stand to think of another woman out there calling herself Redneck Diva. I little craft shop opened up on Highway 43 a few years back and her sign said “REDNECK DIVA CRAFTS AND STUFF” and y’all, it took everything in me to not wheel my car into her driveway and inform her that I alone am The Redneck Diva and that my fans (my mom and like ten other people) and I didn’t appreciate her calling herself by my name. However, I then realized I don’t have a copyright on the name and I’m also insanely non-confrontational and she’d probably have beat me up or something, so I let it go. She’s no longer open, so I think that was just the universe’s way of saying, “I got you, Diva. It’s all about you, babe.”

I plan to keep the ol’ blog rolling. It will take dedication and effort (dedication I have, effort I lack a bit) but I’m gonna give it a whirl. Come visit. Please. There are pictures here, something I can’t give you in my newspaper column I also cuss a little more over here, so don’t tell my mom. She still thinks I’m pure and wonderful enough to be kidnap-able.

One Hundred

Originally published in the Miami News-Record on Sunday, September 27, 2015. 

Right now your eyes are experiencing the monumental occasion of reading my 100th column in the Miami News-Record. Do you feel the excitement? I do! It’s a little bit staggering to me since that means I’ve come up with 100 ridiculous stories to tell you folks. This whole thing started when I was asked to write about homeschooling for National Education Week or somesuch something or ‘nother. After that, I was asked to make it a weekly thing and well, here I am 2 ½ years later. Yes, I know that if you do the math there should be more, but have only eked out 100 because hey, I get busy sometimes what with teaching my children proper comma usage and how to become productive members of society, drinking stupid amounts of coffee and Sonic sweet tea, and other really crucially important things like that.

My writing started with a blog back in June of 2004 back when the internet as we know it today was merely a toddler. Blogging was very new and not many people did it. At first no one read the blog. Not even my mom. I didn’t know what to write about and in looking back at the first few posts, they’re rather embarrassing. Then when I realized that no one was actually reading them except my sister, I relaxed and stopped trying to perform and started just telling my stories about the kids, about growing up in Oklahoma, about the insane stuff that happens around here. Then, a funny thing happened: people started reading. And before I knew it I had an audience. I had followers. I had fans. My mom was convinced I had stalkers. (I didn’t.)I was nominated for the Okie Blog Awards and won Best Humor Blog two years in a row and beat Pioneer Woman for Best Rural Blog the last year of the awards. The kids say it’s my claim to fame. I haven’t told them yet that she won Best Overall Blog. Shh. They still think I’m famous.

Mom’s gotten a little more comfortable with me putting my life out there for all to read. I dare say she’s my biggest fan; she’s very proud of me, my momma. She still cringes from time to time, especially when I write about poop or farts, but she’s probably figured out by now that my stories just NEED a certain amount of poop and farts to be what they are. (Mom, I know I said both words twice. Please get out from under your desk now. No one holds you responsible.)

I’ve been recognized in Walmart more than a few times. My Junior High English teacher reads me every week. (Hi, Mrs. Reid. I love you. You’re the reason I love commas so much.) Few things make me happier than for someone to come up and tell me I made them laugh on a Sunday morning. I hear I’m even read before the obituaries in some households. I feel like if I can beat out the obits, my life hasn’t been for naught.

My family has, for the most part, adjusted to having parts of their lives printed in black and white for the entire world – okay, all of Ottawa County – okay, a good portion of the Miami area – to see. They really have no choice in the matter simply because those crazy people help make me who I am and add so much to this silly life of mine. Stories of sisters and brussel sprouts, of woobies and hamsters, of ups and downs, of love and of loss – these are the stories I love to tell and I am thrilled that you all love to read them. At least, you all keep telling me you love to read them. If you’re fibbing to me, I am going to be SO embarrassed and then I’ll really have to apologize to Mom for all the poop and farts.

Thank you, Constant Reader, for, well….for reading. I am honored to be a part of your Sundays.

Because I'm Still a Grammaric

I saw on Facebook, courtesy of Melanie, that today is National Grammar Day!What with me being a Grammar Nazi and all, this day is worthy of my celebration. I'm by no means perfect in all things grammar, but I do try. I try hard. Texting has created an entire generation of grammar sloths (as well as spelling nincompoops, but I shan't digress on that right now - I'll wait until International English Spelling Day on October 9th) and it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine.

Since I have a barfing nine-year-old on my couch right now I don't have time for a lengthy tirade of all the things that bother me when I read blogs, status updates, tweets and text messages, so instead I'll just quote from a post I wrote two years ago on National Grammar Day. Also, you should know that when I wrote this I had no idea it was National Grammar Day. Yeah, that's just how awesome I am.

A person who is addicted to alcohol is an alcoholic. Correct?


If someone declares themselves to be addicted to chocolate they call themselves a "chocoholic", right? Or if they say they are addicted to shopping they say they are a "shopaholic", right?


IT IS WRONG, PEOPLE.


The "ohol"in alcoholic is from the word ALCOHOL. According to Wiktionary the suffix "ic" is "used to form adjectives from nouns with the meaning 'of or pertaining to'". If someone wanted to declare themselves addicted to chocolate they would be a chocolatic. Or perhaps a chocolic. A person who likes to shop is a shoppic.


Make note of it.

That being re-posted and off my chest yet again, I bid you a Happy National Grammar Day.

Now...where's my Lysol?

Monday MckLinky: Why This Housewife Blogs

Mrs. Hart at The RHOK is posing the question today: Why do you blog?

Since I'm on the verge of my 6th blogaversary it's a question I ask every year and evaluate my purpose, goal and how this whole thing here is going.

I'm the first to admit this little blog here isn't the same blog it used to be. It's changed over the course of six years, but then....so have I. I don't post as often as I did in the beginning, but six years ago Kady was a toddler, Sam had just finished PreK and was ready for Kindergarten and Abby was a big bad 2nd grader. Strange as it seems, I had more time then. Back then I was just a lonely momma who was drowning in diapers, Blue's Clues and Bob the Builder, concentrating on ear infections and developmental milestones and making sure the kids didn't hit, bite, pinch or pull hair. My biggest excitement was my 2 1/2 year old using the potty and talking my husband into letting me sleep in for an extra hour on Saturday. I started blogging as an outlet, a connection to the outside world. I was logging all the things my kids did and said, while at the same time putting down for all of perpetuity the goings-on inside my head. It kept me sane six years ago.

Now my babies aren't babies at all anymore. Abby is staring 8th grade in the face and will be 14 in a few months. Sam, now 11, just finished elementary school and moves to the big school across the street in the fall. Kady is my lone grade schooler now. Instead of developmental milestones, potty training and teaching them animal sounds and their ABC's they're visiting the orthodontist, having boyfriends, dealing with mean girls and bullies, learning how to be the grownups they'll be in the blink of an eye. Instead of logging all the minute daily details of their lives - and mine - I steal a few moments once a week to jump in here and write something that usually falls short of what I want it to be. I'm working on that.

So why do I blog now? Well, for one thing I bought the domain. Essentially, I'm invested. LOL I'm kidding. I am proud of Redneck Diva and how people still read it, even if I'm not as punctual and routine as I once was. I still need this outlet, just maybe not as much or as desperately. My life runs at a different pace now, but it's so nice to know that when I need it I can find my way back here and just write. I've written some really good stuff over the years. I've written some really bad stuff. I've written WOW, I've written meh. And still y'all read. I guess (hope) the WOW outshines and overshadows the meh. And I do love making people laugh. I'm going to get back to that - to finding the funny in the every day. Just hold on. Loosely. (Ooh, that should be a song....)

Now, in addition to Redneck Diva, I write reviews at The Redneck Review, my not-so-weekly column at WelchOK.com and I collaborate with my girls at The Real Housewives of Oklahoma. I still blog because I want to, even if my want-to is outweighed by my busy kid schedule, neverending supply of dirty laundry and many bazillion other responsibilities. And that occasional stolen afternoon nap.

So...why do you blog? The Real Housewives and I would like to know. So write it on your own blog, put your link in the MckLinky on the RHOK page and tell the world why YOU do this "blob" thing, as my mom used to call it. I'm anxious to see what you have to say, but right now it's a holiday and I think I hear one of my children making noise in the back of the house. I'm shutting down the computer real quick so I can pretend to be asleep before she comes in to ask for French toast.

140 No More

I don't like change. I like routine. I like normalcy. I like to do things the same way I've always done them. If you throw a monkey wrench in my plans I wig out. I do the quinessential cartoon run around in circles, waving my hands in the air, screaming my lungs out. On the outside I appear flexible and I will more than likely just go with the flow, but my guts are churning and my head is pounding and my heart is beating fast and I am fighting the urge to vomit. But only those closest to me see that ugliness. Everyone else sees me just smiling and saying, "Hey, great! Sounds good to me. You know me, I'm flexible."

But a change has been brewing for awhile now. And I've been sleeping and hiding and avoiding like a mad woman.

For the past few weeks I have been in a nearly constant state of unrest. Sure, the end-of-school activities were crazy and we're leaving on vacation next week, but that hasn't been the cause. I have been borderline mopey even, quick to tears and the main way I know something is wrong way down deep is when all I want to do it sleep. Sleep is escape from the things plaguing me. Some folks get insomnia when they have something on their mind, but me, I just want to sleep until the problem is gone. The problem with that, though, is that it's really hard to solve a problem while you're asleep. 

I have been blogging just almost six years here at Redneck Diva. I have been writing for WelchOK.com since January. Last month we launched The Real Housewives of Oklahoma. I have a Facebook page, a Facebook fan page for Redneck Diva and I tweet more than that nest of birds in the oak tree out front. And I'm not doing justice to any of them.

My last article for WelchOK was about my intense love affair with my electronics. I realized the other day that I literally carry my cell phone with me from room to room because I'm afraid I'll miss something if I leave it unattended. I have permanent heat scars on my thighs from the laptop. (Okay, I really don't have scars, but I possibly could in the near future.) My thumbs ache. (Okay, they really don't, but when I'm an old lady I bet that's where the arthritis shows up first.) My husband has told me on more than one occasion he wishes he'd never bought me in iPod and that I'd never bought a laptop. I've been telling myself that at least with a laptop I'm in the living room with the family, rather than out in my office on the desktop, but if you're in the room physically and not there in spirit you're not really there and that's kind of insulting to my family. Recently I find myself giving my kids absent nods as they talk because I'm mid-text, tweet or status update. I should be ashamed of myself. And I am.



I love writing. It is truly a part of who I am. When I write and it all comes out the way I want it to, it is euphoric. It's cathartic. It's liberating, exhilating and I'm proud of my talent. When I write and it doesn't come out the way I want it to, it's a challenge, it's something to tackle, re-work, ponder over and fix until it does come out right. I cannot fathom not writing. God has given me a talent. I hope I don't sound conceited when I say that, but I know I have something here. If a person who has a beautiful singing voice sings in public they're not conceited, they're using their talent. They're not flaunting it, they're utilizing what God gave them. Right now, pretty much all I'm doing with my talent is putting out little 140-character quips. It's all appetizer and no meat and very unsatisfying.

What I'm doing with all of my many endeavors right now is like having a balloon that is fully is blown up with air. It's huge with potential energy. If you let out a little at a time, especially if you pull the opening taut and make it squeak, the results are okay, moderately amusing (sometimes annoying) and eventually the balloon is empty. But if you just let that balloon go and it flies around the room all crazy, bumping into things, making you jump and dodge and giggle, it's more fun. And much more gratifying.

That being said, I have decided to back off the Facebook and Twitter. I'm keeping Facebook because I have a 20 year class reunion coming up next year and that's how I intend to get in contact with the majority of classmates. I am, however, disabling mobile alerts. I will keep the Twitter account for awhile, but it will probably be deleted in the very near future. I'm nervous about this because it's a habit, and a fun one at that. I literally had a moment of panic this morning as I thought, "But how will I know what everyone's doing when they are doing it??" Then I remembered, I don't have to know what everyone is doing all the time. There was a time in my life when I didn't know who had PMS, who was shopping for a swimsuit, who just saw a celebrity in a coffee shop and who is the mayor of what location on 4square. Strangely enough, I survived and was happy living my own life. Now I am obsessively trying to keep up with the shenanigans of the 333 people I follow on Twitter (most of whom are total strangers), the 100 fans of Redneck Diva and 371 friends on Facebook (some of whom I haven't spoken to since 6th grade). It's exhausting. My phone chirps constantly. I'm sure my phone is tired. I'm tired.

I'm using all my potential energy in little blasts all the time and when it comes time to produce something I'm already deflated. I feel like writing these days is homework and who likes that? What I'm producing these days is comparable to essays like "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" and "The Person I Most Admire" assignments from 8th grade English. I miss making you laugh. I miss your comments. I miss feeling proud of what I'm putting out here. I miss using inspiration to create something good.

I love my little blog here and I love all the people who made it what it is. I love writing for WelchOK because it's fun and different and makes me feel all grown up and important and stuff, like the syndicated columnist I someday hope to be. I am thoroughly enjoying the adventure that is the Housewives site and can't wait to see where it takes us and what we can accomlish though it. I have no intention of not doing what I'm doing here and those places (unless the housewives kick me out for being a heinous procrastinator), but above and beyond being a blogger and a writer I am a wife and a mother and a person who needs to reconnect with the four most important people in my life - the ones who live in my house.

And I'm going to do it in more than 140 characters at a time.

So Much Happening!

I can't even begin to tell you just how many times I've met myself coming and going lately. I feel like this laptop is attached to my lap some days. I'm not complaining because honestly, I love what I'm doing, but these last few weeks have been busy my precious little Diva blog has gotten ignored. And so has my column at WelchOK. And the laundry. And vacuuming....and dusting....however, I did clean the bathroom a few
times because I don't want to have to put up biohazard stickers.

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The most time-consuming big news is that The Real Housewives of Oklahoma site is up and running! We seven ladies and Mrs. Robinson (she ain't no lady) are taking Oklahoma and the internet by storm - or at least by a brisk wind and the occasional "rawr". I can't think of a better group to be working with and have huge hopes for what we can accomplish. We have RHOK-out events planned, charity events, field trips, giveaways, guest posting opportunities and of course, lots and lots of blog posts in store. Please bookmark the site and check it daily. You won't ever check in there and find no updated posts for days at a time. We're actually organized over there and it works. Who knew?

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Probably the most shocking news is that we Hoovers have actually been going to church. I KNOW! I didn't think that would ever happen again after our rough go of things last summer and months and months of searching for a home, a place we felt comfortable and welcomed from the get-go.

Mom and Pops had been going to Bar-None Cowboy Church for a couple weeks when they started telling us we should give it a try. Now, we're redneck, remember? We're not cowboy. I kept telling her we wouldn't fit in, we'd stick out like a sore thumb. She kept smiling and saying, "Just come visit." We did and folks, we walked in the doors of that Flying Cow Arena that day, to the smell of horses and dust, into a church filled with loving, caring people who were genuinely glad we were there. We have never felt a moment's unease and judging is just something not done there. While it's technically a "cowboy" church, it's not just for cowboys. All sorts of people from all walks of life are there and worshipping God in a way I have never experienced. It's not fancy and like the pastor has said several times, "You know it's a cowboy church because when the service is over we pick up more spit cups than we do coffee cups."

Easter Sunday our baby girl, Kady, accepted Jesus Christ into her heart as her personal Savior and was baptized the following week. The week of her baptism, my nephew went forward for salvation and was baptized last Sunday. God is working a wondrous healing in our home, in Paul's and my marriage, in our family. My husband who had to be bribed, cajoled and begged to go to church before is now the one hurrying us out the door on Sunday mornings AND Wednesday nights. Praise God!

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I am working closely with my favorite Bow Lady in getting her website up and running. While I'm enjoying the playing around on the site (Much thanks to With a Southern Flair for the design) I'm enjoying the phone calls and visits with Debbie while we get things going. There's nothing in the world like a good friend.

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There are 19 school days until the kids are out for the summer!

We decided to scrap our Disney World Christmas plans and instead of scraping and doing without and blowing all of our savings at the end of the year on one big trip, to instead take some smaller trips a little closer to home this summer and work on building our savings. Babysitting for a teacher has lots of perks, the biggest being SUMMER VACATION.

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I know this post has been somewhat lacking, especially after such a hiatus, but now you're somewhat caught up and just keep checking back. I'll eventually figure out which way is up, how to manage all my writing projects better and earn that "Best Rural Blog" title.

Really. Please don't leave. I'll cry.

In the meantime, go check out today's RHOK post - it's about 'possum. And how big of a wimp gangster I am.

Say Anything

Awhile back I was contacted by Dee at Say Anything who told me she had gotten my name from a reader who thought I needed to be interviewed by her. Well, my thinking is anyone who is interested in me should, by all means, learn more!

Now, here's where I dropped the ball - I forgot today was the day. What with all the Real Housewives of Oklahoma excitement it kind of got lost in the shuffle. She even reminded me the other day and still I forgot. I have way too many dates floating around in this big ol' cavernous head of mine.

Here's the interview, so go learn something about me that maybe you didn't know. Highly unlikely, I know. I pretty much share it all. But there's a chance I reveal something so go check it out!

So my sincerest apologies to Dee because I know she works hard to put together her interviews and keep up her blog. She's a hoot and she's bubbly and really seems to love hosting other bloggers there in her little corner of the web. Show her some love, wouldya?

Winner Winner Possum Dinner!

In all the cacophony and hubbub and utter absolute chaos these last few weeks I totally forgot to put a thank you post up for everyone involved in the 2009 Oklahoma Blog Awards.

In the past Mike Hermes, our beloved Little Axe-ian from Okie Doke, has taken on this seemingly insurmountable task, but due to the fact that he's trekking up a mountain in search of Shangri La or Oompa Loompas or The Whos on that little speck of pollen, he let someone else take over this year. (Really, I doubt he's trekking up a mountain, but it still put an air of mystery around the man, the myth, the legend, huh?) Jennifer James from Are You There God? It's Me, Generation X took the reigns and ran with it. She did a bangup job and really needs a pat on the back, a round of applause and maybe a box of Girl Scout cookies. Or I could make her one of those potholders on Kady's little loom thingy.

I was nominated in one category this year, a new category: Best Rural Blog. I was up against:

* Another Chance Ranch
* Blog Oklahoma US
* Brit Gal in the USA
* Muskogee Politico
* OklaCookiemaker Quilts
* Straight Shooter (a personal favorite of mine since last year)
* The Prairie Maid
* Turtle Rock Farm Blog
and THE PIONEER WOMAN

Not that they all weren't worthy opponents, but seriously? The Pioneer Woman? I was so thrilled when I saw the nomination list and it took looking over about three times before I realized she was on there. That was when I donned my sackcloth and ashes and moped about the house for a few hours. Then I decided that hey, yeah, she's all teh awesome and uber wonderful and cataclysmically talented and skinny and positively gorgeous, but hey, so am I! Okay, well, I can fudge on everything but the skinny.

Anyway, all y'all Okie bloggers votes a few weeks ago and voted me

And I couldn't be happier about that.

Thank you all for voting and reading and commenting, although y'all really should comment more. Seriously. Don't be shy. I'm even trying to be better about commenting back! I love me some comments. So do it, okay? Please?

I am closing in on six years blogging and it's been a crazy ride. Y'all have shared the ups, the downs, the scary, the funny, the stupid, the whiny and the possums.

I can't think of a better group to share it all with and I love each and every one of you. Really. Even though my mom is still scared to death that one of you is going to hack me up and bury me in your backyard in a 55 gallon drum.

Note: The final nominations list is here and the list of winners is here for all categories in the competition this year. Go check them all out and discover a whole new group of folks to entertain  you while you're avoiding housework or desk work or homework or lab work or foot work.....

The Air was Thick with Excitement

First off, I guess I should let the masses know that indeed we did survive the Icepocalypse. Or should I say The Icepocalypse That Never Was at Least for Here and That's the Place I was Most Concerned About No Offense to Anyone Else that Did Experience Its Icy Doom.

We got a pretty good amount of snow, but very little ice. It was very anticlimactic after all the preparation and worrying and continual checking of the NOAA website and the buying bread and toilet paper and such. Our power never flickered and we stayed nice and toasty the whole time. My sister, however, was iced in for several days down south of here. Festivus was postponed yet again due to several facts. 1) We here at the Diva Ranch are the Official Host Family of Festivus and our road was impassable to anyone without 4WD. There was talk of an alternate location, but considering 2) Sis was iced in down by the City and another cousin and his family were iced in in Yukon AND his wife had the flu, it was again just put on hold. I have such a dadgum good tacky gift this year I refuse to let it go by the wayside. It may be a Festivus Cookout by the time we have it, but I will keep pushing to have it rescheduled.

---

Basketball was canceled last weekend due to the snow. We could've made it, but man, we didn't want to, so we weren't too upset when they called the games.

Sam is apparently playing guard now which I think is good, but don't quote me on that. The only reason I know that is because when Coach was hollering at the boys for goofing off and not doing a play right he said something about the guards and grabbed Sam as an example. So yay. Go guards! Or something. He took a pretty good verbal tirade from Coach week before last and there were tears of frustration and declarations of "I QUIT!" but I had to tough love my boy and explain, "Coach has a job of making sure you boys play a good game. You have a job on the court, playing that good game. You played some pretty rotten ball tonight, son. He did his job. You didn't." Ouch. That was painful to say and he didn't enjoy hearing it. He's still undecided on playing middle school ball next year. We keep assuring him it will be better, less chaotic and he really will enjoy it more. He has potential and is good (when he pays attention), but if he doesn't want to there's no point in playing.

Kady is playing something out there, but we're not sure what. If there are positions, the girls have no idea what they are. Right now, in 2nd and 3rd grade they are out there for victory and blood and utter annihilation of their opponents. We are called very hard by the refs because we somehow got a reputation as the most aggressive team in the league, but after playing a Wyandotte team that had a player who drew blood on three of our girls and left our babies sobbing and crying they weren't EVER going to go back out on that court again and a Welch team that has some slappers and pinchers, we don't know how that rumor got started. I'd like to think it's not a personal issue amongst certain adults in the league, but I'm afraid that's what it is. It's elementary ball, folks. It's not the WNBA. These girls wear hair bows and paint their nails in the team colors and have striped knee socks and it's supposed to be fun while they learn the fundamentals. It can get competitive when they're older. Geesh.

And I eat nachos for at least one meal, sometimes two, every Saturday. Basketball season rawks.

---

During the Not Ice Storm, while my internet was sketchy at best, I got an email from the Comedy Examiner (that's their fancy word for "the reporter who looks for funny stuff") with the Oklahoma City Examiner asking if I'd be interesting in being featured in her column this week. Uh....YEAH.

The interview is here. Read it please. Oh, and thank you.

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Tonight is the Tulsa Blogger Meet-Up. I am ever so excited. Ever. Paul got his undies in a bunch over me going by myself so I told him he could go, too. I think he thought I'd back out, but I was like, "Come on, bubba! Let's go hang with some bloggahs!" As it's gotten closer to today he has been more cranky about it. Then last night on the weather he was like, "Oh darn. It's supposed to snow. Can't go. Too bad. Sorry, honey." NOT. I have checked the NOAA website all day and yes, there's rain and yes, there will probably some snow, but nothing significant and nothing treacherous. Then awhile ago my momma offered to go with me to rescue Paul and still allow me to go. I laughed and then was just touched because she doesn't "get" the whole blogging thing and yet was still willing to spend a night with a whole room of us. She's a good momma. I told her thanks, but I didn't want her to feel like Baby in Dirty Dancing and be like, in a corner all night. Then I was reading comments on Tasha's post about tonight and TWO OTHER BLOGGERS are bringing their mothers! Kelly had offered to ply my husband with beverages so I could go, so Kelly, you can keep your money now - Momma's a preacher's wife. LOL

Icepocalypse! And links!

I am feeling particularly uninspired today because I'm on bigtime pins and needles waiting for this HORRIBLE! TREACHEROUS! DEATH, DESPAIR AND HISTORICALLY SIGNIFICANT ICE! storm that's heading this way. Yahfreakinhoo.

We could either get 1/2" to 1" of ice and 4-6" of snow -- or we could get bupkis. I've never seen a storm so full of ninja-like stealth and mystery. Gary England, Mike Collier, Gary Bandy, Travis Meyer, Doug Heady and the NOAA are stumped as to what, when and where this storm will be at any given time. Sometimes I think God just does stuff like this to make us remember that technology isn't all that.

So instead of a "real" post today I'll do a few shout-outs to some blogger folks, events and sites I like. It's a total cop-out in the creativity department, but just as labor-intensive if not more. (All! That! Linking!) My hope, however, is that maybe you'll find some new reading material and/or time-wasters. I'm all about time-wasters.

First up, is Kellyology. For one thing, she's having a birthday TODAY and she's officially a Cougar. Rawr.

Kelly is also sporting a new blog design courtesy of With a Southern Flair who just happens to be the gal who overhauled my own blog look. If you're in the market for a kickin' new design, custom embroidery (I hear she does Snuggies!) or heck, knowing her she's probably even good at tile grout, give her a holler.

I have recently become enamored with a site called My Life is Average, or MLIA as all the cool kids call it. If you have ever felt your life was just a little too average, check out this site. Most of the posts are from teens or college students and some are outrageously far-fetched, but I still can't stop reading them! I have spent many an evening reading the posts out loud to my family. (Well, only on the nights I have the remote hidden under my Snuggie. On those nights I call the shots and they have no choice but to listen.)

Woot.com is one of those sites I am utterly intrigued by. I have yet to order anything from them because the deals post at Midnight and uhm...yeah, bedtime for me is before that. Because I'm old. The really good stuff is snatched up nearly as soon as it posts, but if you're a night owl and love to shop online, woot yourself on over and grab up a bargain or two. The t-shirt designs are worth going over to see. I love me some geeky t-shirts.

Miss Wisabus -- That's all I have to say. Just go.

I can't post all these links without giving some love to People of Walmart and Cake Wrecks because well, we all like to see everyone else's messes, too, right?

Kiddies - okay, Oklahoma blogging kiddies -  you have less than a week left to get in your nominations for the 2009 Oklahoma Blog Awards, an event I personally always look forward to so that I can either get my ego boosted or crushed. Either way, we're all winners, right? RIGHT? There are some new categories this year and Jen seems to be handling the running of the whole shebang quite well. Major props to her for taking the reigns in Mike's absence! 

ATTENTION: I am going to this. Did you see that? I AM GOING TO THIS! I AM! I AM!




Well, providing we 1) survive the Icepocalypse and 2) can make it there safely without sliding into a ditch, getting stuck and having to use my iPod for warmth or to beat my husband over the head until he is unconscious. But yeah, we'll be there. "We" as in myself and my husband. Kellyology has already offered to buy him beverages if he'll just let me go, so the dude is all kinds of on board. If anyone else would like to extend such an offer you will only insure the excitement of meeting me so keeps those offers coming, kiddies!

And finally, in honor of the impending DOOM! of the forthcoming Icepocalypse, go read Tasha's list of what to have on hand during an Oklahoma ice storm and JenX67's list of lessons from the worst ice storm ever. Stay safe, stay warm and remember, fellow Okies, tornado season is just around the corner!

I'm Just Poppin' Up Everywhere

I heard the other day that Facebook and Twitter are killing blogging. Kind of like video killed the radio star. And how I haven't shaved my legs in weeks kills any kind of bedroom mood that may or may not try to occur during the winter months. And how that adorable 18 month old who has been feeding you Goldfish crackers kills your appetite when he attempts to feed you one covered in his slobber. Like how....oh, you get it?

Anyway, I am on Facebook and Twitter constantly and my little micro blurbs and quips do take away my regular blog posting and that makes me sad. I do love my blog and I love that some of you still keep showing up and I swear, I don't mean to be mean to the blog that has been so good to me over the past five and a half years. Swear. But see, I got this iPod for Christmas and I uhm....can't stop using it and stuff. And I have been known to wake up at 3 a.m. and check Facebook to see who has insomnia. BECAUSE I CAN.

That all being said, I am now somewhere else on the Web as well - I have a column at a local news site, WelchOK.com. I have been given this wonderfully amazing opportunity by fellow blogger and good friend, Tyson Wynn. My column is called "The Diva Dish" and well, when I asked Tyson what kind of writing style, what subject matter he wanted, he said, "Whatever you're good at, capitalize on that." So pretty much the column will be about battling gray hairs, living with a moody teenager, juggling the schedules of three kids, spending the majority of every day playing with Conner and how to keep a fabulously messy house. I am good at all those things. Especially the messy house one.

The WelchOK site is a great new site and while yes, it is catered to the citizens of Welch, those of you who are local can benefit as well. Check it out, bookmark it and make sure to check back weekly to see what I'm dishing out. Leave comments on the pieces you read (not just mine) and let Tyson know you've been there. He'll appreciate it. Promise. Because that's how he rolls.

And now, because I am going to forego Twitter and Facebook for once I leave you with a thought that I was originally going to post to both:

My feet are cold.

Da Winners

Using a random number generator I have picked the winners for my big ol' giganto, super-duper, fantasmically wonderful, stupendous 5 year blogaversary giveaway!

Sonic Card - Rebecca of Rebecca's Ramblings.

Bows #1 - Brook and Kel

Bows #2 - Penny Princess Alicia

Emails have gone out to notify the winners. If by some chance they have fallen off the face of the earth and I don't hear from them by Monday, July 6th, I'll redraw.

Thank you so much to everyone that entered!

It's that time again!

Okay, so because I have managed to drag my 5 year blogaversary out for the entire month of June, I figure it's about time to host the giveaways. I'm going to get the ball rolling tonight, by cracky!

I have three different prizes. Three! But....before you get all excited and you start shouting from the mountain tops, please understand that I do not earn any money whatsoever in the summer so you are getting a poor woman's prize package, okay? I'm not a fancy mommyblogger who gets oodles of swag to give away to her readers. Okay, so I got two copies of Guitar Hero for Nintendo DS recently....but we are SO playing them so I can uh....review them.....yeah. And if I gave away the Guitar Heros I'd have to send a child with them. Wait....I could be onto something....

I kid. I kid. Maybe. (Email me. We'll talk.)

Okay, the first prize is a $10 My Sonic Card and well...that's it. But really? Who doesn't like Sonic? Free Sonic at that? I could live there! Heck, I tried to once but that little guy that hoses down the concrete in the morning sprayed me and told me to leave. This prize could also include something else, but don't like, bank on it. I've just been the mood to clean out closets lately and you may get a few rolls of that toilet paper we tried and didn't like or maybe a half-used tube of lip gloss. KIDDING. About the lip gloss.

I am also giving away two sets of bows from Just 'Dorable bows! (It helps to have an in with the Bow Lady.)

Set one includes your all-purpose white bow (with French clip, great for ponytails and fountains), plus an adorable green polka-dotted clip (great to slide in on the side to hold back those bangs she's determined to grow out or to slide in over a ponytail or fountain as well), plus a foo-foo cute pink and black polka-dotted bow WITH ladybug accessory!

See what I mean by accessory? You can wear the ladybug by herself, the bow by itself or stack them on top for ultra, extra foo-foo cuteness!

Set two in two slide-in clips that really are just perfect for holding back bangs or just to accentuate the side of your little darling's 'do, plus a super-cute bumble bee bow AND this giganto purple flower with rhinestone! Now, when I first saw the flowers I was a little skeptical, but Kady has a giant sunflower and a HUGE red flower that are oh so adorable riding atop her ponytail this summer. Kind of reminds me of the munchkins in The Wizard of Oz right after Dorothy lands...

So here's hoping y'all aren't now sitting there going "Well, I was going to enter, but I think I'll pass because uhm.....they suck," and here's hoping that you're going to enter and tell your friends and shout it from the mountain tops and post it on your Facebook and tweet it like your Twitter depends on it.

Da Rules:

1. You must leave a comment here to be entered.

2. You must leave a valid email address, either in your profile or, if you're all paranoid and stuff, spell it out like [everyone] does (it) in the comment. Or email me if you're REALLY paranoid and stuff.

3. In your comment you must tell me the best thing you've done this summer. Whether it's that you shaved your legs or climbed Mt. Everest, spill it! Let the innernets know! Or at least the part of the innernets that reads my blog... You must do this or I will toss your comment out with all that Sonic trash in my van.

4. Specify which prize(s) you would like to entered to win. You can enter one, two or three. If you only have hairy-legged boys in your house you might not need hairbows. And you might not live anywhere near a Sonic. You can enter all three from one comment - no need to multi-comment.

5. If you want an extra entry or two, link to this post via Twitter and @ me with it (@theredneckdiva) and/or post the link to your Facebook wall and let me know about it in the comments here. (Better yet, just add me as a friend on FB! Searching Redneck Diva should find me.) One per site. You have to let me know, too, because I lost my mad innernets psychic skillz long ago. Retweeting or re-posting does not increase your chances, but I will take shameless promotion if you want to give it.

6. This fabulous event of prize-giving will end on Friday, July 3rd at noon and I will draw the winners at that time. Winners will be posted here and I'll also throw an email your way, too. If you do not reply with a mailing address by Monday, July 6th I'll re-draw and you forfeit your amazing prize.

Good luck and thanks for hanging around here the last 5 years!

I'm Not Who I Was

As you may know, I celebrated my 5 year blogaversary on the 7th of this month with very little fanfare and celebration at the time. Mainly because that exact day was the beginning of a rough couple of weeks that are just now starting to wind down. I wanted to make a big deal out of the whole shebang because FIVE YEARS seems like such a big deal, but I guess if I wanted to make that big a deal out of it I'd have started planning it far enough ahead that a bump in the road wouldn't have been an issue. However, I am not known for my mad planning-ahead skillz, so here we are 2 1/2 weeks later.

I am the first to admit it - I am a sentimental fool. I cry at sappy commercials, I sit at the airport and watch total strangers greet at the gate and tear up, I cannot not cry when Taps is played at a funeral or when the flag is unfurled and you can forget about me watching anything on Lifetime. That being said, I tend to also look back on my past and reflect. Often. It's not regret that causes me to do this, it's just something I do. I'm weird like that.

Just last night I had a conversation on Facebook with a wonderful friend from high school, both of us on the sentimental side, both of us very sensitive and both of us looking back at our teenage years with a mixture of horror, embarrassment and maybe a twinge of "Wow, wish that had played out differently." The evening's chat stemmed from a recently posted picture of me at age 21 on a girls' night out with the three girls I ran around with our Senior year. In that picture I had attrociously orange dyed hair and GIGANTIC glasses and oh wow, I wish someone had been kind enough to gently say to me, "Aw honey...your head looks like a giant carrot. Please fix that awful mess. Now. Because in 18 years they are going to have reality shows based on people like you." Alas, no one did and there is now photographic proof that I was apparently blind in my 20's.

The point? I'm getting there.

I look back at that picture kind of like how I look back on the blog posts from five years ago. My first posts are atrocious; at least to my critical eye, they are anyway. I see someone who was trying way too hard and trying to perform like a funny little monkey. Fortunately now I have found my groove. I hope. It's taken five years to get me here and it may take five or ten more to make me really, really good. Who knows. I may be as good as I'm gonna get.

... but now, the point.

I'm not who I was.

I find myself listening to a song by Brandon Heath often these days. The song is about how he found an old photograph of an old friend and how he wishes he could show them how he's changed. Coincidence? I think not. This song is kind of how I feel about my life. I am not the same person I was five years ago....or ten....or fifteen....thirty five.... And all the people in my life - in my past - aren't the same as they were. I'm trying to keep that in mind these days.

While there are certain things about me that are the same as they've always been and will probably never change, there are so, so many thing about me that have. And I am thankful for that. I'm not who I was.

If you browse around my blog long enough you are going to find entries written on

...days I was happy and days I was sad...

...days I was angry and days I was adventurous...

...days I was totally in the running for Mother of the Year and days I wasn't...

...times I was scared and days I laughed at my wonderful Oklahoma life...

...days I was sick and days I gave up...

...times I was close to God and days I felt alone and far away from Him...

The point is...if you search this site long enough you're liable to find anything. Kind of how if you're around me long enough you're probably going to see all the different facets that make up me; the good, the bad and the ugly, so to speak. The highs and lows, the ins and outs, the redneck and the diva.

A year ago I began the slow, painstaking process of cleaning all the cuss words out of here, a housecleaning, so to speak - something that made my mother utterly joyous, by the way. It was a personal decision, something laid on my heart by God and Him alone. During the process of seeking out the days my mouth was particularly filthy, I have found posts that make me kind of cringe. I have not, however, gone in and removed very many posts from then, though, because well, it's who I was at the time. It's not who I am now and who I am now isn't who I may be five years from now.

I started blogging five years ago to chronicle my life, my kids' life, my journey through divahood and redneckedness and I'll be danged if I change that. I am who I am. I am not perfect. I am a child of God who messes up and fails miserably, but I am saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a blogger and oh boy, am I human. Do I always hit the mark? Do I always live up to expectations? Do I always do what's best? Goodness no. Do I try? You betcha. I aggrivate my husband, I continually cause my children to loathe my very existence for making them do such deplorable things as clean their rooms and mind their manners, I blog about things that make my mother shake her head, I fall short when it comes to serving God...

It's all a part of this grand process called life. My life.

Yeah.