Thursday, October 12, 2006

a dark place

In the last week or so I've been on the verge of a really rotten place. I don't know if it's the changing of the seasons or what, but I'm tired of it.

On Dad Gone Mad and Dooce this week, Danny and Heather wrote about their struggles with depression lately, too. I know that people who deal with depression and certain disorders (OCD for one) have a hard time in the winter months, but dangit we just got into autumn. Summer is my blue season. I usually come alive this time of year, but it seems that this year that is not going to be the case. I'm not happy about it. Heck, I'm just not happy. Depression is the suck. Having a brain that chemically malfunctions from time to time sucks rocks.

Both Danny and Heather said that their kids were what was keeping them going. I know that in Tater's dealings with OCD, her kids were her light at the end of the tunnel. This week the only thing I've wanted to do was go to bed. And stay there. Forever. But I haven't. Because of my kids.

They are my reason to keep going. I just want to crawl in a hole, but I know very well that the hole I'm looking for only has room for one. I wouldn't be able to fit my kids in there with me and I wouldn't want to. It's dark there. And there is no Tinker Bell nightlight. So for now, I'm staying out of the rabbit hole of depression that is right outside my back door, calling my name, offering me quiet and darkness and solitude. I walk to it occasionally and even circle it a time or two, but as of yet I haven't jumped in.

And as much as I love Paul, if it were just him and me, I wouldn't think twice about jumping into that hole all by myself. I have before. There are kids involved now, though. Oh, I could just leave the house, the kids, and the responsibilities to him while I wallow in my dark place, I'm choosing not to.

I'm going to stay where it's noisy and light and there is love. And peanut butter. And a refrigerator covered in my 4-year olds latest talent - writing words. Lots of words. Every word known to man. In the light is also a necklace I gave my 10-year old on her birthday. A necklace that was given to me when I was 10. A necklace she wears every day. There's also my son who has discovered the wonder of reading. Not just comic books anymore either - books with chapters and everything. His new Crocs are here, too. Man, he loves those Crocs - but then again, how can you not love camouflage Crocs?

In the dark place is the 15 pounds I've gained in the last few months and has caused all of my winter clothes to not fit, the headache that has been crushing my skull for the last three days, the self-doubt and fear that I'm going to really stink at this college thing, the knowledge that for the next three or so years we are going to be broke because I've quit my job and will be a student, the desk that I can't see the top of because it's covered in papers that need to be filed, the stress I see on my mother's face and hear in her voice because of the cancer that has decided to move back into my papa's lungs. There's lots of bad in the dark place.

I've tried anti-depressants before. They make me more depressed. I've tried two. Neither worked. After walking around with no emotion on my face, feeling like everything I saw was in black and white and utterly lifeless, spending more time than before sleeping or just in bed because I couldn't make myself get up, I decided that was just not how I wanted my kids to remember their mom. I'd rather retain my ability to cry and laugh and on Paxil and Lexapro I couldn't.

I'm sure that in a week or so I'll be fine. This is just how I get sometimes. In the meantime, hang in here with me, okay? Don't wander off to find some other funny redneck who doesn't bring you down. In fact, because I am really good at pretending I'm happy, chances are by this afternoon or at the least tomorrow, I'll post something here that will make you tinkle.

But if you don't mind, while you're waiting, could you pray for me? I could sure use it.


Queen Of Cheese said...

As I was going to sleep last night and tears were trickling down my cheeks I wondered if anyone else was feeling this way or if I was just a total failure. Thanks for sharing.
WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET CAMO CROCS!!!!!!!CALL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kellyology said...

Every funny girl is allowed a few days or so to be morose. We can't laugh at ourselves 100% of the time now can we? Sink in, love it, have a glass of wine, and enjoy. I'll be here when your smile decides to come back!

Ditto on the camo crocs...where or where? Online? I'm going to look now. Of course I've already bought the OSU one's for the boy and girl for Christmas...perhaps just one more pair?

Anonymous said...

This is a little personal, but do you take birth control pills? Those things will do a real number on your emotions and your body. When I went off mine I became myself again after 3 years as a zombie. A zombie who mostly slept, cried, ate and whined about her headaches. Just an idea. Hope you feel better.

Anonymous said...

I don't pray, but I'll be thinking of you. Hell, if you can make it through Wyandotte High without blowing your brains out, adulthood is cake. I'm actually just starting to come out of my funk. I've made a few decisions and changes and am feeling a lot better about things. Just remember, no matter how bad things seem, they really aren't that bad. You've got all your facilities, great family, great friends, warm home and a husband that doesn't mind that extra 15 lbs of pushin'. You'll do fine in school, this is just jitters.

RJ said...

sweetie, I have been in that hole and it is hard to find your way to the light.
Get thyself to the dr. and try another one...if you can. The depression tends to derail us from the things we need. It took many, many trials before I found the right med for me. I hope things get brighter for you. I found that that pesky monthly visitor played a lot into my moods...menopause has given me so much peace. A good gyn could probably help as well. Have you had a physical lately? Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

A. Camo Crocs!! I am jealous!

B. You're going to do GREAT in college.

C. Zoloft is very well-tolerated.

D. Prayin' for ya :)

(Note the use of lettered bullets by the resident OCD-er)

Betty said...

You're sounding overwhelmed with worry about your papa, and uncertainty about finances and the future in school. Everything happens at once, doesn't it? It's understandable, and time will probably take care of it, if you can hang in there.

Until then, we're pulling for you.

Shannon said...

I had a good cry today. I was fine all morning, and then started thinking about Trey---sat down and cried. Brady was at school, Steve was at his parents house. I cried a couple of weeks ago at school too. I am fine and then it all hits me smack in the face!
I am on Lexapro. I didn't take it today though, and also forgot to take my blood pressure med!!
I will say a prayer for ya Kristin!

Carmel said...

I don't know what it is this year. Maybe it was the wacky hotter-than-hell summer. Everyone seems a little out of sorts. Usually, we're all decked out for Halloween, this year I just didn't feel like it. And this is from a person who has four of the huge Rubbermaid containers full of Halloween decorations. Chin up, kiddo.

LLB said...

i had those same feeling when i went back to school! i had 7 yrs of the stay at home track. when jane hit the full day kindergarten, i took that first semester to relish the 6 hours of child freeness. then i went to the local tech (central tech in sapulpa) and got into the network admin and security program. had to take that stupid TABE test cause the ACT test i'd taken in 1991 didn't have a high enough math score (needed 14, had 13). got a PELL grant no problem. i had problems focusing, thought it was just cause i hadn't been in school in so long. mom could see things i couldn't, she said go to the doctor and get checked out. we've got a nasty streak of manic depression on mom's side, she just got the manic part. her 2 bros had the whole pie, the oldest killed himself at 33 because he was afraid of growing old. he was a doctor. the other one died in 2001, thankfully before 9/11. he was also agoraphobic (afraid of going outside) and schitzophrenic. he wasn't that good, even on all the meds he took.
anyway, the doc said to try stratera, and a year later i can't believe the difference it's made. i can focus... i can multitask... i feel normal. like i did once upon a time before the genetic nastyness raised it's ugly head.
hang in there kristen. you'll do fine in school.

Mrs. E said...

Oh my goodness. I have been on prozac for the past 10 years. I hadn't been too good after the Cap'n moved out to go to OSU and Hubby D started working the evening shift. It was just me, a bag of Doritos, peanut M&M's, and Coca Cola. Oh did the pounds come on. They leave temporarily and then comes the next crisis and they revisit until I get tough and chase them away. They are so much easier to invite back than they are to get gone. Then, 2 years later, our house burned down and a couple of months later Dad died. I finally sought help and tried Paxil. It made me sooooo happy that I didn't care if my students were on task or what. Then I went on Prozac. I am doing fine. I thought it wasn't doing any good and that I didn't need it; however, Hubby D convinced me that it was working. Try them all. There is one out there that will fit your need. Do know that you are loved and needed. Your Mama especailly needs you right now as does your sister and your kiddies and your hubby and all of your friends, bloggers, etc. The prayers are going up and God won't let you down.

Oh yeah about the school thing. YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES AND CAN DO the school thing. All you have to do is pass your classes with at least a C. You can do that easily. I know that A's are good but the goal is a degree so you can get on with your life. I bet you never thought a teacher would be telling you to make C's but I am telling you all you can do is give it your best shot. You Can Do It!!!!!!

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