Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Too fat to ride the roller coaster

This post is hopefully not going to end in me crying, but I'm sure it will. If I chase a few rabbits and digress a bit, just hang with me, okay? I might over-rationalize, make excuses and really just tell you more than you'd ever want to know, but geez, it's not like I haven't done that before, right?

Okay.....I'm taking a deep breath and jumping right in ......

We went to Silver Dollar City last Friday. It's a theme park, with more rides each year. I remember back when there were two rides - an indoor, underground rollercoaster and the flume. Now there are kazillions of rides and more coming. I am a roller coaster junkie and have been since I was a kid. The bigger and faster they are, the better. I love a good thrill ride.

We've established before that I am a big girl. I guess if we're gettin' honest today we'll just come right out and say it, I'm fat. I know I am, it's my fault and well, that's that.

I was a chubby kid from about 4th grade till 6th grade. I wore Pretty Plus clothes from Sears and hated it with a passion. I was popular and well-liked, but I was fat. Therefore, boys didn't like me all that much. My maiden name was Bass.

"Kristin Bass has a fat ass" was heard more than once on the playground.

I don't like sports, I don't like to sweat and I love to read and study and learn. So it was kind of a given that I'd get chunky as a kid at some point, I guess. Plus, well, I like my groceries. Then miraculously before 7th grade I started slimming down. I wasn't skinny, rail thin and gorgeous like the "pretty girls", but I wasn't fat anymore. The women in my family have butts, though - big, round butts. Baby got back? Oh yeah, we got back. The summer before my senior year I had a 27 inch waist and 40 inch hips. I had a flat stomach and small boobs - my gosh, how could I ever have thought I was fat back then? I was round and flat in all the right places, I was voluptuous and cute. Yet I was a cow in my mind and even in the mind of most guys. They wanted my best friend who was a size 2. I lived my Junior and Senior years on carrots stick and SlimFast. My Senior year I did start eating a Snickers bar and a Diet Coke for lunch every day, but the rest of the time I starved myself. My collar bones stuck out freakishly, my cheeks were sunken - my mother thought I was anorexic.

In college I was well-liked by the black guys on campus - they appreciated my curves and ooh I enjoyed that attention. Meeting a group of guys and having them turn and watch me as I passed had never happened to me before. It was nice. I ended up dating a good ol' boy from up in Missouri who wanted his women skinny and submissive. I'll never forget the Christmas that he wanted to get me some Rockies jeans and asked what size I wore. Although I weighed barely 120 pounds I wore a size 9 to 11 jeans. When I told him that he laughed and said, "Fatso. You better get out of the double digits, girl, if you wanna be with me." Needless to say, I didn't stay with him.

When I met Paul I weighed 135 and between the time we met and got married - 3 months - I had gained 10 pounds. But I still was thin and looked good, I fit in my tight cowgirl jeans and could scoot a mean boot. He loved my body the way it was and only wished that I had bigger boobs. He was happy and so was I. But I had found my niche, I had achieved my dreams - I was married! I set about being Suzy Homemaker and cooked him three meals a day. I made cakes and cookies and pies and big, hearty, meaty meals. I fried everything we ate because he was 6'1" and weighed 165 pounds and is a redneck - they eat fried foods and can get away with it. He was a beanpole and had the metabolism of a race horse. He ate my greasy food cooked with love and was a happy newlywed. I ate my greasy food cooked with love and got fat. And fatter and fatter and fatter.

Then we struggled with infertility and I ate to make myself feel better about being a total failure at giving him a child. Then I got pregnant and ate because well, I was eating for two. Then we lost our baby and I ate to drown my pain and heartache. Then he started noticing that I was gaining more and more weight and I knew he noticed so I ate more.

I am a compulsive. I have many compulsions, but eating is my most dangerous. I can alphabetize my canned goods and no one gets hurt. They may laugh, but it doesn't harm anyone or mess up anything. But my compulsion to eat is hurting me. It's killing me, to be honest. But eating makes me so happy, it's something that I can control when the world is spinning in a direction I don't want it to go and can do nothing about. If the kids are whiny, I eat a handful of chips. If Paul is cranky, I hide in the kitchen and down a couple of Twinkies. Bad day at work? Oh that merits a few Oreos. And a few more. Maybe three helpings of mashed potatoes at dinner, too. I can fix anything with food.

Except now the food that was my glue, the stuff that stuck my life together for all these years, is clogging my arteries, raising my blood pressure and making my cholesterol do a funky upward conga line to Cardiac Arrestland. I have stretch marks in places I didn't know stretch marks could exist and thrive. That barren wasteland that is on the underside of the upper arm - I had no clue it was stretch mark inhabitable, yet they have formed a colony and it looks like they're not leaving. I ache, my knees hurt, I snore, I huff and I puff.

I am the woman they kick off the roller coaster when they can't get the harness buckled.

I am now crying, by the way. I told you I would.

I never wanted to be a fat mommy. I wanted to be the cute mommy with the cute clothes and the cute hair who had tons of neverending energy to bounce around the park with her kids, have time and energy for tons of kid activities. I am ashamed to admit this, but there were a few fleeting moments where I thought it might be cool to have an outfit that matched my baby's. But they don't make Mommy and Me outfits for fat mommies. They only go up to size 10. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a cool mommy and I know I'm a good mommy, my entire self-esteem as a parent doesn't hinge on my looks, but I'm sure the kids at school talk about how fat Abby's mom is. I remember being a kid. Fat people are funny. And they're so easy to make fun of.

I have just been able to tell myself all these years that the babies like snuggling with me becuase I have lots of cushy goodness and they can snuggle into my big, squishy boobs and fall right to sleep. And trust me, they do. But if that is my rationalization, my reason, to stay fat it's a pretty poor one.

So after getting kicked off the roller coaster, I ducked my head, gathered my daughter and niece who couldn't ride without me and with cheeks ablaze, I exited Stage Mortified. TotOne was crying. (Abby wasn't - she didn't want to ride that one anyway) I had to squat down on her level, get eye to eye with my 7 year old niece and tell her that Aunt Kiki was too fat to ride the roller coaster and she'd have to wait. That was a moment I never envisioned for myself when I was a teen. But I didn't start crying until after Tater and TotTwo and Sam got back from the ride and Tater took TotOne off to ride. It was then that TotTwo asked why TotOne was getting to ride and TotOne yelled across the walking path, "Because Aunt Kiki's butt was too big to fit and we got kicked off!" That convenient hole that you wish would swallow you up whole was nowhere to be found. Instead I walked down the hill to find my Mom and youngest daughter and burst into tears when I had to tell my mom that I was too fat to ride the roller coaster.

Why am I writing all of this to you? I am not sure. Do I want sympathy? Nah. I don't need sympathy. Do I want you to send me all of your low fat, carbless recipes? Nah. I don't want those, thank you very much. I'm not sure why I wrote what I just wrote. Maybe I just needed to sit here and cry awhile.

I am on day three of Weight Watchers. I have done this before. I have started, I have stopped. I have drugged my way into two smaller pant sizes. (Legal drugs, not meth, although I hear that, too, is effective. But I do kind of have an attachment to my teeth as well) I have starved myself. I have been tempted to throw up, but I really hate to throw up. I guess the reason I might be writing all of this is to tell you that I'm ready to enjoy life again. I'm ready to run and not feel like my lungs are going to explode. I'm ready to jump and not jiggle for half an hour afterwards. I'm ready to be naked in front of my husband and not wonder if he's secretly turned off and embarrassed of me. I'm ready to feel good again.

I'm ready to ride the roller coaster.

51 comments:

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Anonymous said...

I first started reading your blog, oh , 3maybe 3 weeks or ago, just ran across it and knew it was from a girl that was so gold...the only reason I kept reading.
You see each one of us has something about us that makes us have to work extra hard on ourself. Now some of us get it by being born and it's just how we are, some are in an accident and maybe have it worse and others are just beautiful by being in a wheel chair and gazing around not and we don't know if they know anything. But know that all of us have at least one thing we have to work on and then others have a mountain and they still just seem to be the best kind of person you would ever want to meet.
From a momma in Lawton who likes to read good people, I want to keep reading you. So you cry girl, get all the water out you can cause the first thing you lose is water. Your the best momma, sister, daughter and wife and as long as your trying to get the junk out of the house then your going to be ok, but don't change who you are inside, you have some rides to go on.

Anonymous said...

You are such a beautiful person and an inspiration to all women who want to change that one thing aoubt themselves that they have never been happy about. I am keeping you in my prayers. You go girl!

MrsCoach2U said...

Ok here's my smart ass comment---Maybe you should drink a glass of wine from Branson at every meal, that should make you think twice about eating!
Now here's my friend comment---I think you great the way you are but I'd rather have you as my friend alive to see my grandkids and I know your health isn't as great as it should be (you just told us that). Good luck, I know you really want this but I also know the demon you face.

Anonymous said...

I too started reading your blog just recently. I have read everything that you have written in your blog I think that Iam addicted.lol. I too had an experience that i was to big to ride the roller coster. It totally distroyed my (what little i had) self-confindence. it shattered me, and guess what i gained even more weight. I to have struggled with infertility pcos which made me gain even more weight. We are now in the process of adopting two wonderful children and i know how it feels to be hurt emotionally and physically because of your weight. you get to a point that you really dont even want to go out because you get tired of the whispering behind your back. any way what Iam trying to say is I hope that i can be half the mother to my babies that you are to yours. iam halfway there i guess you would say Iam a redneck to Iam from ky. I was born into it lol. any way you hang in there and keep up the good fight. you are a wonderful person and a wonderful writer I only wish that i could come up with some of the stuff that you do I LOVE to read your blog.

hicktowndiva said...

Big hugs, sweetheart. I'm sorry you felt so sad.

Anonymous said...

That was pretty brave to write about what happened and how much it hurts. A lot of us are embarassed by our bodies and our weight problems, but not all of us have the strength to admit it publicly or to do something about the problem. I bet this time next year your heart is the only part of you that's XL. Good Luck!

aka_monty said...

You're braver than I am.
And I've gained so much since I quit smoking, I just make myself sick. I've been the voluptuous type myself...not it's just plain fat.

I'll cry with you.

And support you in meeting your goals. You go girl! *hug*

recklace said...

Beautifully written, Diva. We all have our demons, but few of us have the nards to admit to them so fully.

Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

Im a 20'ish year old guy and I just want to say, Give 'Em Hell. I have battled weight and I won. I too am a complusive eater. Whenever I have a bad day I binge on the ice cream. Im addicted to potatoe chips etc etc. It took me 4 years and the loss of a relationship to get this problem under wraps. I wish ya the best of luck and God Bless Ya.

MamaKBear said...

Oh sweetie! I feel for you honey. I've watched my Mom struggle with her weight my whole life. I've seen her so depressed she doesn't even want to look at herself in the mirror. I've seen her cry and want to give up.

She's been in Weight Watchers for about a year now, and has lost about 90 pounds! If she can do it, you can too! I could stand to lose about 40-50 pounds myself, just haven't motivated myself to do it yet. One day soon, I will.

Big hugs, sweetheart, I love you just the way you are!

Redneck Diva said...

Anonymous, neither are you, my friend. Thanks.

Anonymous2, you are so precious and I want you to keep visiting here often. You sound like good people, too. Thanks for the comment.

Anonymous3, prayers will be much appreciated!! I need all the help I can get and so far God has never let me down. In fact, He and I have been talking quite often lately. Thank you.

Mrs.Coach, LOL you definitely know how to make me laugh!! A glass of Branson wine would definitely curb my appetite! Thank you for the kind friend words. I don't know what I'd do without my friends - these last few days I've cried so much at everyone's love and kindness. Thank you, friend. I wanna stay alive to see your grandkids, too, because if Nati's kids are anything like her it's going to be too fun to miss!!

Anonymous4, your comment made me cry. I felt your pain and know your embarrassment and frustration. Then you complimented my mommy skills, which always makes me tear up! Thank you for reading me, thank you for commenting me and if you hang around long enough maybe I can diva up some of your redneck skills, too!! :) Thanks for commenting

Diva, thank you.

Anonymous5, brave I am not, but I figured I wasn't the first person to get kicked off the roller coaster and wanted anyone else who's gone through it to know they aren't alone. It's not going to be easy, but yeah, I'm hoping that next year I'll be down to only one X in my XL's!!

Aka Monty, cry girl cry. I seem to be doing a lot of it lately, so I've stocked up on kleenexes. Drop in and bawl with me, girl!! Thanks for your comment.

Recklace, a demon it is. And a nasty one. Thank you for the comment.

Anonymous6, yay for you winning your battle! I'm proud of you! It couldn't have been easy and I admire anyone who can do it - hopefully someday I'll be admiring myself! Being a compulsive on top of it all adds an element to being overweight that I'm not sure all overweight people deal with. Thanks for your words!

MamaK, it's hard watching someone you love struggle with weight. My sister has recently gained weight over this last year and it's so hard to watch her deal with her new body - she's always been thinner than me. I love WW - it's easy and to me, much easier to keep up with when you've finally lost the weight. I'm learning my portions now - wow that's a tough one!! Thanks for your sweet words - you are a gem!

River Rat said...

I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely love your blog. You inspired me to write once again, I too was the smart/heavy kid in school. I hated sports and loved knowlegde, I was like a walking encyclopedia. (Still am, it's annoying - my husband reminds me a lot! LOL ) I just wanted to tell you how couragous you are for talking/admitting that you have a weight problem. My husband and I are doing the 'portions' thing ourselves. Baby steps are the way to go, they're hard but it's what we want to do for ourselves-not what other's want for us. I also wanted to mention that you appear to be a very loving mother, and a such a beautiful person. I get a huge kick from reading the "Redneck Diva" blog, I can relate a lot. Heck- I'll tell you just how much of a redneck I am - my dad is an owner/captain of a shrimpboat. (Remember Forrest Gump?) Well that's kinda' us. My southern accent is so thick I'm constantly asked if I'm from further south! Enough about me honey, just keep up the good work! You can do it! If you need some support I'll be here for ya!

Shannon said...

Hey woman! Believe me, I know how you feel. I remember when I was a senior in high school I weighed 140 which wasn't that bad. I wore size 9 jeans (which I would love to see again sometime in this lifetime). Of course I am 5'2 and one of my best friends wore the same size as me, only she was about 5'10. So needless to say she looked so much better in "MY" clothes even though we wore the same size. That really sucked.
Now about the roller coaster thing. I remember when I took Brady to the carnival here in town and he wanted to ride the scrambler. We sat down and I somehow squeezed my fatness in there. I couldn't breathe during the whole ride and thought I was going to pass out from it cutting me in half and throw up from the ride itself. I think I am just getting old and fatter. LOL
Anyway I am getting ready to start on a diet too which will probably be WW. That is the easiest for me to go on. I like to eat! what I want! :) I have to have some carbs!
We will have to keep on eachother. somehow we can do this!

Anonymous said...

I was so touched by your story. I was never a small girl.I started working out and trying to watch what I ate. I got sick (pneumonia from smoking) and re-gained the 30 lbs I had lost. Feb.12th was one year smoke free, but I am up 40 lbs now. My knees hurt and I am back in those 2x's I hated so much. I would have been kicked off that roller coaster with you my friend and that makes me want to cry. We're all rooting for you!

Donna said...

***Hugs***

I feel your pain there. I was chunky in elementary school,and got bigger as time went on. Good luck to you in this journey! I know you can do it!

Andi said...

I am crying! I can't stop these tears, my heart is with you. Such beautiful comments and it is so inspriring!

You can do this girl. HONESTLY, I need to do it with you!

Boggzie said...

Hey girl - I been big forever, it is easier for guys. There's plenty of girls that like big guys. Boys are still to shallow. Men like something to hold onto when things get wild. ;)

You go gurrrl.

- Boggzie

CISSY said...

Diva -- I'm with you. I've just had a heck of a bad day and I know it's my weight. I was never a real skinny kid. My mom always told me I was fat. I wore a size 5 when I was a senior, and thought I was a big fat cow. I gained a little more weight, lost it when I got divorced and weighed about 130 when I married my now husband. Still not skinny for my height. Now, I'm fat. Just plain fat. I've known for some time I need to take care of this. Today was a clincher on the health end of it. And then I read this post. I'll do it with ya. And, tell you what. In a few months. Let's say end of summer. I'll meet you in Branson and ride that damn roller coaster. And, I'm terrified of roller coasters.
Deal?

Redneck Diva said...

RiverRat, thank you for your wonderful words. The fact that you say I inspired you to write again just humbles me more than you'll ever know. I appreciate your kind words of support as well and trust me, some night when I'm jonesin' for a Snickers bar I might be sending you off a jarbled email of desperation!

Shannon, isn't it amazing how people carry their weight so differently! In HS I weighed just a few pounds more than my best friend who was a size 2 - I never understood that.

I managed to ride some of the coasters to SDC and trust me when I say I know that squished feeling you spoke of! Agh, that was not comfortable.

I'm a firm believer in WW because in my mind, it actually teaches you how to eat in real life when you've met your goals. It's more a lifestyle change than just a diet. Let's do it together! Tater has TONS of resources that we can borrow, too!!

Anonymous, CONGRATS on being smoke free!! That's definitely not an easy task either. I'm proud of you for that! Please keep rooting - I've got a long road ahead!

RUADork, thank you for your comment. It's nice to know people have confidence in me - I'll have to post all these wonderful comments on the fridge to help me on those bad days!

Andi, girl, you've known me longer than most - you knew the Pretty Plus me. Thank you for saying I can do this - I HAVE to!

Boggzie, I've never understood that double-standard. We women definitely seem to be more forgiving of body flaws, huh. In HS those guys who were the pickiest about their skinny women were the ones that had Dunlap Disease, lol. I have, discovered, though, that yes, more adult men are into bigger chicks. Too damn bad I'm married and can't test the theory, LOL.

Cissy, YOU ARE ON, SISTER. I will meet you at SDC, I'll even give you a free BringAFriend pass to get into the park and we are going to conquer that coaster!! You rock, girl. ((hugs))

Sam said...

That was a beautiful, heartfelt post. If you're ready, you can do it.

Jerzeegrrl said...

I'm crying right with you sweetie.

Kim said...

This post was very sobering for me. I was rail thin my entire life, popped out five kids and still wore a size six. Then I got pregnant in my late thirties with my sixth child and have never lost the weight. I am not suffering as much as you are, my size is still considered to be within the range of normals, but to me, I'm as big as a barn and I fear the same things you do when my husband sees me naked or when I see myself in the mirror. I'm heartened by your acceptance of the reasons you eat the way that you do because facing those things are half of the battle, it is never easy to accept blame, especially when it is of your own creation. I hope you find a way to balance the emotions and forces that have created this cycle for you, and I hope you get to ride that roller coaster.

gkgirl said...

this is my first time here
and i found you through
"best posts"
on surburban mom...
and i have to tell you...
wow.
that experience must have been
horrible...

when you said at the end
that you didn't write for sympathy
and you are not sure why you wrote it,
all i can say
is how glad i am that you DID
write it...for others in the same boat
cause you are SO not alone...

hugs
:)

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Way to go. I'm doing WW myself.

Single digit sizes... what are those?

Suburban Turmoil said...

Wow. This post was absolutely wonderful. You go, girl!

Thanks for writing this- Not only for those who are in the same boat, but also for those who aren't. You really put a face on what so many women are going through and I hope people read this and treat those who are overweight with more kindness and compassion and less judgment.

Natsthename said...

That blew me away.

I've been on WW since last August and have lost 35 pounds. It's slow going for fat girls like me, but it has to be done. I am sick of bumping my fat butt against everything near me when I bend over. I was sick of not being able to tie my shoes without losing my breath.

You inspire me to continue what I'm doing. Thank you for such a perfect post.

Tim said...

You can do it.

Hale McKay said...

Wow. That was one heart-felt heart-wrencing posting. Without seeing you, I can tell that are a beutiful person - and that is not intended a worn out cliche to make you feel better.
...Good luck, I think you will make it.
...I came here by way of a post over at Monty's place.

Anonymous said...

You know, I once heard that being addicted to food is no different than any other addiction.... drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, pornography.... except all those things, from the common passerby on the street, can be kept secret.

People who are addicted to food must wear it on the outside every single day.

I hope you find yourself help. Don't worry about how you look, but maybe it is time to start worrying about how you feel.

Crazy MomCat said...

Wow. I'm going through the list of Perfect Posts from Lucinda and MommaK's sites and I love reading them. But, I've only commented on one other. And, this, by far has touched me the most of them all.

I have not been kicked off a rollercoaster. I am overweight though and my weight and food issues have also helped bring on diabetes this year. I am doing WW as well and trying so hard to figure out why I obsess about food so much--even when I'm eating good. I truly believe it is an addiction that can consume a person, be it if they eat too much or if they eat too little.

I wish you luck on your journey. And, I'll be back to read about it too. Great writing...

RJ said...

Man, can I relate...only difference is I was in weight watchers when it first began...boy did I just date myself??!!
I was a size 18 when I got married and 29 years later, I was a 22-24. The kids only remember once when I ran...lol.
What did it for me was when the doctor diagnosed me with diabetes type 2 just before this Thanksgiving. Great timing!! Well, I finally found the reason to lose weight..for me, not for my kids or my husband, but for me to save my life. I have lost 50 lbs. and can wear my wedding dress again! Take care of yourself, lose the weight for you..in the process you can stick around long enough to torture your kids when they are adult and you are going thru your 2nd childhood!
BTW, I love your blog. This is from red-headed, smart, left handed, chunky kid in school kinda person.
RJ

Raehan said...

What a brave, beautiful soul you are for writing this important post.

You can do it. Be gentle to yourself and try to listen to your inner core. Try to get in touch with that.

Mom101 said...

Found you through Perfect Post (and well deserved at that!) and just had to put in my two cents. This is beautiful. Truly. And you sound beautiful as well. Look forward to return visits here, even if you do like tractor pulls.

Kross-Eyed Kitty said...

Hi there! I also found you on PP, and am so glad I did! You are funny and honest, and real!
I have started WW about 7 times already this year, and know how hard it is to keep the motivation going.
Good luck, and I'd love to come back and visit some more...

Angie said...

Oh wow..I knew just from the title of this post (which I read over at monty's place and that is why I'm here) that I would be crying with you. And I am. This hits me at my core. Like the other comment said, You are not alone. And guess what? Crying like this and reading this and being reminded of my own feelings about THE FAT..makes me want to go EAT. I'm a mess.

I will say, I haven't been to an amusement park in probably two years. (and about 20 lbs ago.) I managed to fit into every ride that I attempted, but I knew just by looking which ones I wouldn't fit into. I can not imagine the utter humiliation you went through. But, my husband, who is a big boy, experienced it first hand. I wanted the earth to open and swallow us all up. My daughter, who was about 8 or 9 at the time, was not embarrassed for herself, but worried for the rest of the day about how upset her daddy was. Me? I was on the verge of tears all day.

Anyway, I love your blog and this post. I'll be back many many times. Thanks for sharing!

ccap said...

'Kay now I'M crying too.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your blog today as i am trying to starve myself to not be embarrassed again at an amusement park. I will read more of your blog, even though I am not a redneck in any way, but am 100% diva! Humans can connect on so many levels, and this was no exception. Last year, I went with my husband of 2 years at the time, along with another couple, to an amusement park here on the East Coast. I am such a huge fan of roller coasters and thrill rides, I have even done the ones where they make you sign a waiver and pay additional money to ride. Well, you always see the ones who are too big to ride, and they get escorted (by themselves) to the exit. I never imagined it would be me. I have always been fat, I have a large body type and will never be skinny, but I had lost weight for my wedding day and was feeling good and receiving lots of compliments at a size 12. That may seem fat to anyone reading this, but trust me, when you're blessed with curves like my momma and me, a 12 is sexy. And I thought I was just saying this to myself, but others would wholeheartedly come up to me and compliment me; men would give me double- and triple- takes. SO, the confidence of that time, along with regular doses of Depo-provera, blinded me to the fact that my shapely figure was going away, and 2 years into the marriage, I was 60 lbs heavier and now a size 18. NOw, I had gotten away with being curvy and plus-sized according to manufacturers all my life; so roller coasters were never an issue with me. But this day, as I squeezed into the small car with my husband, who is a svelte 160 lb, 5-11 rock-climbing god, I started to worry. When the seatbar was refusing to go the extra 1/2 inch to close, because of my thighs, I was really worrying. I secretly wanted to hide the fact that I wasn't fitting, and hope the ride attendant wouldn't notice and I'd just pray and hold on with all my might not to fall out. But this was not to be. The attendant tried to make it work, but said that I could not ride, and had to leave. Embarrasment is not a sufficient word to describe what I felt. I kept my head down, and headed for what I thought was the exit. Then, to make matters worse, the woman who was in the control booth had to tell me through the microphone that I was going to the wrong exit. At this time, everyone was waiting for me to leave, including my husband and other friends, as they could all fit easily and were not getting off with me. I guess I wasn't mad that they didn't get off, because it was my fault, not theirs, so why should they deny themselves any fun? But deep down, to this day I still feel hurt that my husband let me walk alone. Yes, I did tell him to stay on, that I would just wait for them, but I really wanted him to say, "no, I'm coming off too." Well, now, 1 year later, we are getting ready to go to our first amusement park of the summer. I so desperately want to lose weight, and have lost 13 lbs of the 60 I had gained. I want to be back to the size 12 I was for so sweet and short a time. We have all of our closest friends going with us, and I don't want to suffer embarrassement and shame over my size. I want to ride the roller coasters, all of them. I don't want my husband, who says he loves me regardless of size, to have to comfort me privately away from everyone else like last year, when he met me alone on a park bench after he got off the roller coaster, and I broke down beside him, cursing and crying like a baby. So, this is a long comment. I should just start my own blog. Maybe I will, I just hate opening myself up to strangers, afraid of the reaction and comments I will get. But I do thank you for opening yourself up, and letting me know that I am not alone in this struggle to be 100% happy with my identity.

Anonymous said...

I just came across this. This same experience happened to me on Wednesday. I wanted to ride the coasters so bad it six flags here in Maryland. But I couldn't get on a single one. I didn't think I was fat before until this happened. It was humiliating. I'm now trying southbeach.

Anonymous said...

I too, know how you feel. I could have wrote parts of your post. It's funny, most of my girlfriends in hight school were single digit sizes and I was always a size 10 or a 12. Fast forward past a second marriage and motherhood, hitting 40, and I'm now a size 26. I still do many things, but had to give up horseback riding, a passion of mine since I was 5! I just don't have the reaction time, feel uncomfortable and feel absolutely sorry for the horse. I don't think a horse is comfortable hauling around 280lbs plus tack on it's back. You know what? I think back when I was a size 10. I thought I was fat back then! How fucked up is that!?! I eat myself numb too. Comes with the territory of having a learning disabled child, a dead-end job, and other issues I won't get into.

Anonymous said...

I was on weight watchers for a while and it works, I just always wanted to fall off the wagon at the middle of the week. Just remember that there are people out there that do like women your size. You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

Though I never got kicked off a roller coaster. I hurt my back on one because I was too big to fit squarely down in the seat. About five years ago was my last ride and I finally decided no more. This year, I'm getting on a damn coaster.

Please try T-TAPP.com

I have gone from an "abundant" size 24W to almost a 20W in four months just doing 15-20 minute workouts. Yes, it's work, but its the only thing that I've done that I know I can fit into my life and it has shown me results.
I have friends who do Weight Watchers and it's a constant yo-yo with them. Not for me. I swear by T-TAPP. Please try it when you're ready.

fatgirlfatwoman28 said...

This happened to me too at the Puyallup fair in WA state. Its just mortifying! Because the whole ride is stopped and waiting on you! I had one more notch to go and i could ride..and it wasn't my HUGE hips and butt it was my chest area. It was so damn frustrating cuz my BOYFRIEND didn't even get off the ride with me (he said he tried to). So i stood there with everyone in line staring at me.. I know i am overweight I just dind't realize how much more weight I gained since the last Fair. I didn't want ot eat any of the fair food after that or even take a chance at another ride. Also i had to get an xtended belt buckle on the the Alaska airlines (first time ever). I now know how serious this is but its gonna take some time before I can feel confident to get on rides again. I FEEL U!

Rob said...

I would rather give up a ride then give up a nice hot piece of fried chicken,mashed taters and gravy!

Your fat Red neck friend in East Texas!

Tim Barnes said...

you're not alone. i am a 14 year old freshman that went to kings island yesterday for a school field trip (5-18-12) and i am a pretty chunky kid i weigh around 336 pounds. me and my friend kyle went to go ride the diamondback. the seats seemed like they could hold a figure such as myself. i waited exactly 1 hour and 56 minutes to get on the ride in 85 degree weather and as i sat in the seat and pulled the lever down it only clicked once and it needed to click twice. i tried so hard to push it down that my hips popped 6 different times. over 400 people were watching me... i felt so alone and hopeless. they started to throw things and told me " hurry up you fat ass", "get off the ride fatty", " i will give you this box of twinkies if you get off"..... i'm just a 14 year old kid that just wanted to ride a roller coaster... but now i just want to hide and cry. no one really understands me. no one sees me as an equal american. why do roller coasters only hold "skinny people"? why do "skinny people" get all the opportunities in life? why cant the big man/women get any opportunities to have any sort of fun? for what ever reason it needs to change and it needs to change very soon.

Anonymous said...

I had the roller coaster incident yesterday- still crying. Thank you for writing about it.

Anonymous said...

my husband and I have both struggled with our weight since we were small children. We have 2 kids now and we try like crazy to teach them a healthy lifestyle so they don't have to go through what we go through. We spend so much time and energy trying to lose weight and it is frustrating that our thin friends just seem to live life without ever worrying about their weight. Obviously we are doing something wrong because we are still overweight but it is not from lack of trying and it causes both of us a lot of stress because we want to be around a long time for our kids. We are going to an amusement park soon and our kids are excited to ride roller coasters for the first time but we are worried we won't be able to ride with them and this makes me nervous since they will be riding for the first time and are only 5 and 6 years old. I don't want to tell them they can't ride because mom and dad are too fat, or worry that even if we can ride with them the bar won't go down far enough to be safe for them (I don't totally trust the people who work at amusement parks to notice those things...) Nothing to be done about it, but just sharing. We are good, giving, hard working people who both work full time (and then some), do our best to raise our family, go to church, help our families out, etc. We are not evil, gluttonous, lazy people who sit on the couch eating chips and ice cream all day and who deserve bad things because we are overweight. We put in long days, every day, doing what we have to do. We do have pride in ourselves and our appearance. We don't enjoy worrying about our health or looking like we have "let ourselves go" or dreading swimming parties, etc. As someone who has been overweight since i was a toddler, I can tell all the thin people out there who pride themselves in eating healthy and working out to maintain an acceptable weight, it is not as easy for some people. I don't know why, but it just isn't.

Anonymous said...

I commend you for wanting to step up and live a healthier life. Being in the counseling field, I just have a few words of advice for you as you set out on this journey. First, you need to understand that this is going to be a permanent lifestyle change. It's not the losing weight that is important so much, it's the maintaining that is crucial. In saying this: it doesn't matter HOW you lose the weight, it's all in how you keep it off...which is going to be choosing a healthy lifestyle of eating right and regular exercise. (hence this is the permanent part of it all). Second - and I cannot stress this enough: you need to understand how this is going to impact those around you. I see this A LOT with individuals struggling with weight and losing weight: the inevitable battle with loved ones over attempts at weight loss. You have to understand that this is YOUR battle, not anyone elses. YOU are going to have to be the one to really nip this in the bud. What I'm getting at, is that you need to go in this with an understanding that losing weight is going to be all on you and not contingent upon your loved ones being required to make all the same habit & lifestyle changes as you. I have dealt with many couples and families where one person stuggled with weight, but required everyone else around them to sacrifice and give up things just because they needed to lose weight. Needless to say, this caused a lot of problems and arguements - which is why these people ended up in front of me in the first place.

I guess I'm sharing this with you to try to help spare you the negative effects this situation can have on a family. While you family and loved ones should most definately be supportive of your weight loss attempts, I find it very important to also convey the message to you, that you likewise need to be supportive of your family and loved ones lifestyles. You should not expect your family or loved ones to completely give up certain foods, habits, or the like simply because you "are not allowed to" engage in them any longer. You should not expect your family or loved ones to suddenly be expected to exercise every day just because you do. Of course, a supportive family likely would offer to do these things with you, but if you go into it demanding everyone to sacrifice everything you have to, you're likely not going to get the response you want.

As much as your family and loved ones need to be supportive of your decision to lose weight - you also need to be supportive of your family and their lifestyles. I wish you all the best in your journey, and I hope some of this information will help you. :)

Anonymous said...

I commend you for wanting to step up and live a healthier life. Being in the counseling field, I just have a few words of advice for you as you set out on this journey. First, you need to understand that this is going to be a permanent lifestyle change. It's not the losing weight that is important so much, it's the maintaining that is crucial. In saying this: it doesn't matter HOW you lose the weight, it's all in how you keep it off...which is going to be choosing a healthy lifestyle of eating right and regular exercise. (hence this is the permanent part of it all). Second - and I cannot stress this enough: you need to understand how this is going to impact those around you. I see this A LOT with individuals struggling with weight and losing weight: the inevitable battle with loved ones over attempts at weight loss. You have to understand that this is YOUR battle, not anyone elses. YOU are going to have to be the one to really nip this in the bud. What I'm getting at, is that you need to go in this with an understanding that losing weight is going to be all on you and not contingent upon your loved ones being required to make all the same habit & lifestyle changes as you. I have dealt with many couples and families where one person stuggled with weight, but required everyone else around them to sacrifice and give up things just because they needed to lose weight. Needless to say, this caused a lot of problems and arguements - which is why these people ended up in front of me in the first place.

I guess I'm sharing this with you to try to help spare you the negative effects this situation can have on a family. While you family and loved ones should most definately be supportive of your weight loss attempts, I find it very important to also convey the message to you, that you likewise need to be supportive of your family and loved ones lifestyles. You should not expect your family or loved ones to completely give up certain foods, habits, or the like simply because you "are not allowed to" engage in them any longer. You should not expect your family or loved ones to suddenly be expected to exercise every day just because you do. Of course, a supportive family likely would offer to do these things with you, but if you go into it demanding everyone to sacrifice everything you have to, you're likely not going to get the response you want.

As much as your family and loved ones need to be supportive of your decision to lose weight - you also need to be supportive of your family and their lifestyles. I wish you all the best in your journey, and I hope some of this information will help you. :)

Anonymous said...

I just had this happen to me yesterday. I couldn't get the buckle on the roller coaster to fit comfortly i was modified but it made me realease how big i recently got. Your post really touched me.

Katherine Ruffing said...

hi my name is kt i am 20 years old and i feel ya i was kicked off the roller coasters when i was in 8th grade in front of my school classmates because i too was too fat to ride and i have struggled with weight all my life and it really sux i too lived for the thrill of the hills and the butterflies in my tummy from whizzing down the coaster track it helped me forget all the worries and downfalls i had come into in my life and the doctors stand there dumbfounded and simply say "well if you lose weight you will feel better" or even "you need to lose about 150-200 pounds you are severely obese" yes well thank you doctor but that really doesn't help me nor does sending me to the nutritionist or telling me that i need to exercise dont you think we fat people have tried that a time or two i mean seriously we are fat not brain dead ... so yes i really do understand... and i am sure you have heard elsewhere but starving yourself will only make you sicker it wont fix the pain inside.

love kt
another who is "too fat to ride"