Sunday, March 26, 2006

Pepe Le Pew, Sinuses and Memory Lane

We seem to have a skunk infestation somewhere here on the Diva Ranch. Last Wednesday night Jake woke us up barking up a storm. Paul went out and Jakie had a skunk backed up against the fence. Paul shot it, but not before it sprayed the yard, the driveway, the dog and I'm not entirely sure it didn't get the house as well. Then today we heard the dog makin' a fuss again and lo and behold, in broad daylight there was a skunk in the yard! I thought they were nocturnal. It was acting' strange, almost drunk, and kept stumbling and falling down. I called Paul, who was visiting a friend, and he said he'd hurry home and told me to keep an eye on it. It wandered all over the place until it finally wandered out to the barn and we haven't seen it since. It'll probably make itself known again around 2am.

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I have made it 7 days on Weight Watchers and am doing so well with it it scares me. I know it's not always going to be this easy, but honestly, I'm shocked at how it's going. More than anything I'm shocked at how little food it takes to actually survive. That may sound stupid, but I'm serious. I look at a portion and think that'll never be enough food to fill me up, but strangely enough, I'm stuffed when I'm done eating. I was overstuffing myself!! In fact, there were several nights this week that I found myself scrambling to find a snack after dinner because I had so many points left over. I didn't weigh at the beginning of the week because we didn't have a scale until yesterday, so tomorrow morning I'll weigh and go from there. And what is it about having a scale that makes you weigh yourself repeatedly? I now remember why I threw away the last scale.

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I didn't work Friday. Thursday around noon I started running a fever, just like I did on the Monday of Spring Break. By 5, it was up to 101. I was miserable. The parents that were picking their kids up after 5 I told them right then and there that I wasn't working Friday. I called everyone else right after the last kid left. Mom had brought frozen pizzas out for dinner and I let her cook them and feed everyone while I basically stood in the kitchen and whined. The kids were in bed at 8 and by 8:30 I was sound asleep on the couch. I could tell when four hours were up because my Tylenol would wear off and my fever would shoot back up. I didn't sleep well at all.

I got the big kids up for school Friday morning and as soon as the bus picked them up I fell back on the couch and laid there with warm washcloths on my face all day. Kady was so precious to watch cartoons and play with her InteracTV, although at one point I did actually say, "Kady, if you don't stop talking I am going to find you daddy's duct tape and use it on you." I kind of hurt her feelings, but my gosh my head was really hurting. She didn't hold a grudge, though, and after I stumbled through fixing her lunch she curled up with me on the couch and we both took a nice, long, quiet nap.

The Taters were going out that night and wanted us to go, but I wasn't sure I wanted to sit in a smokey casino. We did manage a trip to Wal*Mart for groceries, but only because we were honestly flat out of food. And sinus medicine. Paul can make any shopping trip short because his incessant commands of "Hurry up!" and "Just PICK one, for cryin' out loud!" get really old, really quick. It didn't help, either, that I was using my PointsFinder. Trying to find bread that was only going to charge me 1 Point for two slices wasn't something I'd done in awhile and he just wasn't patient. He was also not really happy when we didn't load the cart down with as many junky sweets as we usually do. They weren't totally deprived, but there was a lot more fruit than normal.

When we left Wal*Mart we stopped at the convenience store that our babysitter works at and I went in to check if she might be available when she got off work. She wasn't and I can't say I was all that disappointed. I really didn't have it in me to go out. So the kids were in bed by 9:30 and I barely made it to the end of Conviction before I was snoozing, too, propped up on the couch, my bloodstream flowing with copious amounts of Sudafed and Motrin.

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While checking out at Wal*Mart, the cashier was making small talk. In just a few sentences we figured out that she worked at the college. I said, "Really. My mom used to run the switchboard." She stopped sacking my groceries, looked up and said, "Are you Redneck Diva??? I read you every day!" Paul, who had been putting sacks in the cart, stopped and looked at us both like we had instantly gone insane. I don't think he thought anyone really read this thing.

So a quick Hey! to Lisa that works at the college AND Wal*Mart. Girl, you made my day!!!

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Yesterday morning I felt a smidge better, so we all 5 loaded up and drove to Wyandotte. And bought a new truck. Yeesh. We needed that like I need a Little Debbie cake. Paul originally tried to spin it that he bought it for me, but it didn't take me long to dispel that. For one thing, it's a Dodge Dakota - a small truck with room for two. We have three children, but I babysit for enough kids to start a baseball team. I need a freakin' cemi, not a small pickup. Plus, it's a standard. I. Don't. Drive. Standards.

The kids and I left him with his new truck, we came back here and picked up the house, I threw in a few loads of laundry, then we went to Miami to sign for our taxes at the accountant, pick up a few prescriptions and buy a scale.

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Oh forgot to mention, Thursday was Wal*Mart's paydayand Paul - the lucky turd - won $300 on his stinkin' lunch hour again. AND Tater jackpotted a machine that night. Too bad I was sick and stuck at home. I could've contributed to their winnings when I lost my butt, like I always do.

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Yesterday evening I was stir crazy from being in the house, so we called the sitter and went out at 11pm. For three nights I'd been in bed before 9 and then we go out at 11. No normal sleep patterns here, no way. Not when you go out at 11 and come home at 4am. Paul won. I didn't. At least something remained normal.

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Today Paul got up in the attic for me and dragged down a whole bunch of totes for me. I was looking for one and in the process he managed to haul down five for me. Poor fella. The one I was looking for was the one full of my books. My Bobbsey Twins books. Abby's been dying to read them. I found The Chocolate Marshmelephant Sundae and gave it to Sam. But the other totes were chock full of Pretty Ponies, those cheap erasers you used to get in McDonald's Happy Meals before they gave out actual toys, my Garfield and Snoopy figurines, my Glamour Gals, and my Mon Chichis!!!! Anyone else remember those adorable little thumb-sucking monkeys? Kady and Sam have entertained themselves all day with my old toys and Abby's had her nose buried in my books.

I have laid on the couch and read my old diaries. They started in the 8th grade and went up to my Junior year. I decided after that walk down Repressed Memory Lane that I am not allowing my daughters to become teenagers, drive, have friends, go to public school, wear bras (or like their mother, NOT wear them on a dare), date, or do anything that involves them leaving my sight.

And what's scary is that I was way low-key compared to some of my friends and schoolmates. Once, my friend DeLisa and I charged a 30-minute long distance phone call to Arkansas to another phone number. A stranger's phone number!!! I wrote about it for a week in my diary, about how shocked I was at myself for doing it. I was a good kid, just struggling for some freedom.

The entry that made me laugh out loud was the one that said, (and I'm totally quoting here) "Diary, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I am so stressed out over book reviews, things for Competitive Speech, boyfriend, and the effing Homecoming Dance! Cyndi and I are both dreading it and trying to find something to wear that will impress those *itches. LIFE SUCKS"
Does that not crack you up? If only I had those things to stress out over now . . . I'd have it made.

Oh, and I really did starve myself back then. I was shocked to read about how little I really did eat. And every January 1, the post included a New Year's Resolution of "Lose 10 pounds". There were many entries of how I nearly passed out doing this or that, how I got light-headed, how I had crushing headaches and how I worried if eating five carrots sticks at lunch instead of two (because I was "just really really hungry") would make me fat.

Oh also, in my repressed memories, I discovered that my parents were "turds", "*itches", "incomprehensible", "unfair", "mean" and they obviously loved Tater way more than me.

Mom, Dad . . . I am SO sorry for every fit, every tantrum and every outburst. Please bestow upon me your infinite wisdom. Obviously you handled things well because Tater and I survived. I, however, am not sure my children will.

6 comments:

Sam said...

Our kids will make it, but over and over again we will look at our parents and realize why they said or did something that drove us crazy.

Cap'n Neurotic said...

Recognized at the Wal-Mart checkout line? Diva, you be a celebrity! Remind me to get your autograph the next time I make it back to Miami to visit the folks.

Jennifer said...

You've had one heck of a long weekend!!!! I am so proud of you for staying on your diet!!! I need help. I'm a stress eater. I'm working on it. Post your menu or ideas so I can steal them. YOu kept your diaries? I did until college and my 'friend' read it... honestly they were broken up!!!! I will stand by that forever

Boggzie said...

So now you're a star. (Wal*Mart, Lisa) Great, next you'll start 'big-timing' us and either make us actually UPDATE our blogs or pay you for linkage.

I'm off to cry over my rarely visited site.

- Boggzie

Redneck Diva said...

Sam, this is what my dad meant by "Someday you'll pay for your raisin'". Now I know.

Cap'n, I'm not going to say actually recognized, but by association she figured out who I was. Close enough for me!! Made me nearly forget about my throbbing sinuses for a minute anyway.

Jen, you know, I always look forward to the weekends, but they're never restful.

Oh I've kept so much from my childhood and teen years that Mr. Diva's threatened to build on a room for it all!

Boggzie, I would never make y'all pay for linkage! Now, I might ask for casino credits...but that'd be as far as I'd go.

And dude, now that you've promised to stop talking about football and stuff, I will visit you faithfully again. I'm sorry, but that was my cure for the Sudafed-induced insomnia I've been experiencing. I like your personal stories better. Of course, you didn't ask my opinion, I just gave it to you blatantly and gosh, that was just rude of me.

But I do promise to visit again. I really was going to comment last night, but comments were down still.

Anne said...

Wow lady..you are funny..I just spent about 45 min reading..and Im probably going to stay up even longer. Im really enjoying your blog. :)