Thursday, October 05, 2006

Sometimes I cry

I have been so busy this week that I haven't had time to read blogs at all, but I'm fairly certain, knowing the blogging community, that there are plenty of posts about the recent school shootings. This is going to be one of them.

I heard a quick blurb Monday afternoon about a school shooting, but it wasn't until Monday night that I heard more details. Then Tuesday morning I sat glued to my itty bitty wooden chair in the toyroom, watching the reports and interviews about the shooting in Pennsylvania. I was horrified. And terrified.

Our kids to go a small school, a friendly little school where most of the kids' parents went to a small school. We like it here. We transferred our kids out of the big school district because we both had graduated from a small school in classes of about 40. Our town is quaint and little and everyone knows everyone.

But that doesn't mean we're always safe, does it?

Oh, I'd like to play ostrich and bury my head in the sand and pretend that the world is perfect, but it isn't. The need to remove of all of my kids' appendage pictures from my blog was a grim reminder of how nasty and mean the world can be. Watching those innocent Amish children sit stunned on the grass near their school was another reminder.

All children are innocent for awhile, aren't they? They're tiny and vulnerable and cute and they smile at everybody they see. They crawl about their world with the assumption that everything is for them and about them and fun and that you'll protect them every second of the day. Everything is new to them and they want to explore it all. But then eventually you have to start talking to them about "stranger danger" and "private body" and they change.

And you change. Suddenly the little old man who talks baby talk to your toddler in Wal*Mart isn't a lonely old man who is remembering his children at that age - he becomes someone that you shield your child from, someone that you don't trust in the least. The lady who kneels down in front of your daughter in a public restroom isn't just being helpful when she reaches down to tie your child's shoe - she is just trying to get close to your child so that she can snatch her. It's hard to allow kindness and to teach your children compassion and empathy when you want to just put them in a bubble and lock the world away and you don't trust anyone.

Sam was unloading the dishwasher Tuesday morning before school and as I walked through the kitchen I grabbed him and hugged him and smelled his little-boy-smellin' hair and when he turned his freckled face up to me and grinned, I felt the tears welling up. He's so perfect. Not perfect in that he never does anything wrong, but he's perfect because he's mine and God gave him to me and I am so blessed. I kissed his freckled nose and blinked back tears when he started squirming and said, "Mom. You're're hugging me really hard!" I let go, but I didn't want to. I stood watching him, leaning against the sink and when he finished with the dishwasher he bolted from the kitchen to get some last-minute reading in before school, completely oblivious to my fear. About that time Paul came into the kitchen, walked over to me, wrapped his arms around me and I lost it.

I cried. I cried because I was scared.

Between sobs I spoke muffled words into my husband's shoulder: "I can't let them go to school today. I just can't. Please don't make me." He squeezed me harder and said, "You have to let them go."

Those words hit me hard - let them go. I have to let them go? Who says? I refuse to let them go. Ever.

They did go to school Tuesday. They went with my prayers and with their Grammy's prayers. There were lots of prayers said that morning, I'm sure. They went yesterday as well and learned all of the new procedures that go with attending a school on permanent lock-down.

Abby was complaining that after recess they can't just run back to the classroom anymore. Now they have to line up and go in to the locked building together. I put my arm around her and she laid her head on my shoulder and I told her that even though it's an inconvenience, it's for their own good. I am glad that her school is taking preventative measures to keep my precious children safe. I'm glad that her classroom is locked and the building is locked and now I must check in at the office. I'm glad that they are doing everything they can to protect my children. But at the same time I'm sad. I'm so sad that this is the way it is now. It breaks my heart that my children know about school shootings and lock-downs and the mean people that are out there.

I'm sure my parents went through things like this. I'm sure there were nights that my mother cried because she worried I'd be okay. I'm sure my dad breathed a prayer or two when they sent me out that door. I don't remember being scared.

I hope my kids don't either.


Politically Homeless said...

I hope they don't either. Its really sad what all of this has come to.

Big Mama said...

I agree. When my son was in Pre-K he went to a program in the local high school.... Columbine happened and he said in his 4 year old wisdom,"Mama will that happen to me, I go to high school too.." It was then I realized that a part of my son's innocence was gone forever.
Hang in there, we parents are all having the same fears and thoughts, you are SO not alone. BTW this post has me sitting here typing this in tears.

Carrie said...

I remember when my dad would walk straight into my classroom when I was in elementary during turkey or deer season to take me to his truck to show me what he had killed. Nobody ever checked in at the front office or anything! And, in high school, a lot of the boys had gun racks (with guns) in their trucks in the parking lot. It has changed so much!
How innocent country living was! Now that I live in the city, they have armed guards (I've seen up to 6 or 7) standing right out front at a middle and high school. It's so sad that our kids won't have a childhood like we did! They will have fun, and it will be normal for them, but they'll never have the same experiences we did!

Scribbit said...

Yea, I've been thinking right along those same lines. Somehow it's good to blog about it though, feels better somehow. A nice post on a difficult subject.

Queen Of Cheese said...

I can sooooo see Abby's teacher making the "door greeter" job into "frisker and searcher"........

Carmel said...

Stop it. You made me cry, and I'd been able to avoid it all week long. But really, really good post.

Mrs. E said...

When we were growing up, we only locked the doors at night when we went to bed and then it was just a hook that anyone could have broken. We didn't worry. Who would bother us? We went walking late at night all over the place just to talk and laugh and be kids. We talked to strangers to give them directions or just to be nice. We didn't worry about it. Anyone could walk into the school at any time. We all knew each other. We were safe. We had the teachers and the principal and the superintendent and nobody would bother us. The adults were looking out for us and told our parents any time they caught us being naughty or rude. Yes, our innocence is gone. I leave my door locked at school. We practice what to do in case of a lock down. It is a whole nother ballgame. It saddens me to think that I have to be concerned about someone coming to school with weapons and the intent to harm. I can remember when JFK was shot how devastated everyone was. The adults talked about the loss of innocence. We had the communist threat but it was always somewhere else not small town America. It will get better again before long but we can never let our guard down. We are the adults that have to look after the innocent. Tough job. Keep on being a good mama. You made it and the Cap'n made it. Your kids will too.

Mrs. E

Binty McShae said...

I grew up in a small community in Scotland where no-one locked their doors and my entire school had 30 kids... I used to just wander out to play from my house whenever, wherever.

What the hell happened to the world?

By the way - a beautifully written post.

Cazzie!!! said...

Well done on the post, you have said everything that I have been thinking for a long time in there. I hate that we have to worry so much for our kids, that we try to protect their innocence but the news and current affairs get in the way..or, rather, the do-nots in the world do.
Having to explain to them they can't just go up and speak to anyone is heartbreaking, as they are as approachable as I am in conversation. In fact, people must think I am mad as I do talk to everyone I meet. Kids learn from how am I to tell them otherwise.

Anonymous said...

Something else that changed us all was 9/11. Speaking of 9/11...

One thing that struck me as odd in the days after 9/11 was Bush saying "We will not tolerate conspiracy theories [regarding 9/11]". Sure enough there have been some wacky conspiracy theories surrounding the events of that day. The most far-fetched and patently ridiculous one that I've ever heard goes like this: Nineteen hijackers who claimed to be devout Muslims but yet were so un-Muslim as to be getting drunk all the time, doing cocaine and frequenting strip clubs decided to hijack four airliners and fly them into buildings in the northeastern U.S., the area of the country that is the most thick with fighter bases. After leaving a Koran on a barstool at a strip bar after getting shitfaced drunk on the night before, then writing a suicide note/inspirational letter that sounded like it was written by someone with next to no knowledge of Islam, they went to bed and got up the next morning hung over and carried out their devious plan. Nevermind the fact that of the four "pilots" among them there was not a one that could handle a Cessna or a Piper Cub let alone fly a jumbo jet, and the one assigned the most difficult task of all, Hani Hanjour, was so laughably incompetent that he was the worst fake "pilot" of the bunch. Nevermind the fact that they received very rudimentary flight training at Pensacola Naval Air Station, making them more likely to have been C.I.A. assets than Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. So on to the airports. These "hijackers" somehow managed to board all four airliners with their tickets, yet not even ONE got his name on any of the flight manifests. So they hijack all four airliners and at this time passengers on United 93 start making a bunch of cell phone calls from 35,000 feet in the air to tell people what was going on. Nevermind the fact that cell phones wouldn't work very well above 4,000 feet, and wouldn't work at ALL above 8,000 feet. But the conspiracy theorists won't let that fact get in the way of a good fantasy. That is one of the little things you "aren't supposed to think about". Nevermind that one of the callers called his mom and said his first and last name, more like he was reading from a list than calling his own mom. Anyway, when these airliners each deviated from their flight plan and didn't respond to ground control, NORAD would any other time have followed standard operating procedure (and did NOT have to be told by F.A.A. that there were hijackings because they were watching the same events unfold on their own radar) which means fighter jets would be scrambled from the nearest base where they were available on standby within a few minutes, just like every other time when airliners stray off course. But of course on 9/11 this didn't happen, not even close. Somehow these "hijackers" must have used magical powers to cause NORAD to stand down, as ridiculous as this sounds because total inaction from the most high-tech and professional Air Force in the world would be necessary to carry out their tasks. So on the most important day in its history the Air Force was totally worthless. Then they had to make one of the airliners look like a smaller plane, because unknown to them the Naudet brothers had a videocamera to capture the only known footage of the North Tower crash, and this footage shows something that is not at all like a jumbo jet, but didn't have to bother with the South Tower jet disguising itself because that was the one we were "supposed to see". Anyway, as for the Pentagon they had to have Hani Hanjour fly his airliner like it was a fighter plane, making a high G-force corkscrew turn that no real airliner can do, in making its descent to strike the Pentagon. But these "hijackers" wanted to make sure Rumsfeld survived so they went out of their way to hit the farthest point in the building from where Rumsfeld and the top brass are located. And this worked out rather well for the military personnel in the Pentagon, since the side that was hit was the part that was under renovation at the time with few military personnel present compared to construction workers. Still more fortuitous for the Pentagon, the side that was hit had just before 9/11 been structurally reinforced to prevent a large fire there from spreading elsewhere in the building. Awful nice of them to pick that part to hit, huh? Then the airliner vaporized itself into nothing but tiny unidentifiable pieces no bigger than a fist, unlike the crash of a real airliner when you will be able to see at least some identifiable parts, like crumpled wings, broken tail section etc. Why, Hani Hanjour the terrible pilot flew that airliner so good that even though he hit the Pentagon on the ground floor the engines didn't even drag the ground!! Imagine that!! Though the airliner vaporized itself on impact it only made a tiny 16 foot hole in the building. Amazing. Meanwhile, though the planes hitting the Twin Towers caused fires small enough for the firefighters to be heard on their radios saying "We just need 2 hoses and we can knock this fire down" attesting to the small size of it, somehow they must have used magical powers from beyond the grave to make this morph into a raging inferno capable of making the steel on all forty-seven main support columns (not to mention the over 100 smaller support columns) soften and buckle, then all fail at once. Hmmm. Then still more magic was used to make the building totally defy physics as well as common sense in having the uppermost floors pass through the remainder of the building as quickly, meaning as effortlessly, as falling through air, a feat that without magic could only be done with explosives. Then exactly 30 minutes later the North Tower collapses in precisely the same freefall physics-defying manner. Incredible. Not to mention the fact that both collapsed at a uniform rate too, not slowing down, which also defies physics because as the uppermost floors crash into and through each successive floor beneath them they would shed more and more energy each time, thus slowing itself down. Common sense tells you this is not possible without either the hijackers' magical powers or explosives. To emphasize their telekinetic prowess, later in the day they made a third building, WTC # 7, collapse also at freefall rate though no plane or any major debris hit it. Amazing guys these magical hijackers. But we know it had to be "Muslim hijackers" the conspiracy theorist will tell you because (now don't laugh) one of their passports was "found" a couple days later near Ground Zero, miraculously "surviving" the fire that we were told incinerated planes, passengers and black boxes, and also "survived" the collapse of the building it was in. When common sense tells you if that were true then they should start making buildings and airliners out of heavy paper and plastic so as to be "indestructable" like that magic passport. The hijackers even used their magical powers to bring at least seven of their number back to life, to appear at american embassies outraged at being blamed for 9/11!! BBC reported on that and it is still online. Nevertheless, they also used magical powers to make the american government look like it was covering something up in the aftermath of this, what with the hasty removal of the steel debris and having it driven to ports in trucks with GPS locators on them, to be shipped overseas to China and India to be melted down. When common sense again tells you that this is paradoxical in that if the steel was so unimportant that they didn't bother saving some for analysis but so important as to require GPS locators on the trucks with one driver losing his job because he stopped to get lunch. Hmmmm. Further making themselves look guilty, the Bush administration steadfastly refused for over a year to allow a commission to investigate 9/11 to even be formed, only agreeing to it on the conditions that they get to dictate its scope, meaning it was based on the false pretense of the "official story" being true with no other alternatives allowed to be considered, handpicked all its members making sure the ones picked had vested interests in the truth remaining buried, and with Bush and Cheney only "testifying" together, only for an hour, behind closed doors, with their attorneys present and with their "testimonies" not being recorded by tape or even written down in notes. Yes, this whole story smacks of the utmost idiocy and fantastic far-fetched lying, but it is amazingly enough what some people believe. Even now, five years later, the provably false fairy tale of the "nineteen hijackers" is heard repeated again and again, and is accepted without question by so many Americans. Which is itself a testament to the innate psychological cowardice of the American sheeple, i mean people, and their abject willingness to believe something, ANYTHING, no matter how ridiculous in order to avoid facing a scary uncomfortable truth. Time to wake up America.

Debunking Popular Mechanics lies:
someone else debunking Popular Mechanics crap:
still more debunking Poopular Mechanics:
and still more debunking of Popular Mechanics:

Neo-con 9/11 hit piece explodes, is retracted:
Poopular Mechanics staff replaced just before laughable “debunking” article written:
Professor Steven Jones debunks the N.I.S.T. “report” as well as the F.E.M.A. one and the 9/11 commission "report":
N.I.S.T. scientist interviewed:
F.B.I. says no hard evidence linking Osama bin Laden to 9/11 which is why his wanted poster says nothing about 9/11:
Fire Engineering magazine says important questions about the Twin Tower “collapses” still need to be addressed:

Twin Towers’ construction certifiers say they should have easily withstood it:
USA Today interview with the last man out of the South Tower, pursued by a fireball:
Janitor who heard explosions and escaped has testimony ignored by 9/11 whitewash commission:
Janitor starts speaking out about it and his apartment is burglarized, laptop stolen:
Firefighters tell of multiple explosions:
Eyewitnesses tell of explosions:
Interview with another firefighter telling of explosions:
Firefighter saw “sparkles” (strobe lights on detonators?) before “collapse”:
Other eyewitnesses talk of seeing/hearing explosions:
Surviving eyewitnesses talk of multiple explosions there:
Cutter charge explosions clearly visible:
The pyroclastic wave (that dust cloud that a second before was concrete) and how it wouldn’t be possible without explosives:
Detailed description of the demolition of the Twin Towers:
Freefall rate of “collapses” math:
More about their freefall rate “collapses”:
Video footage of the controlled demolition of the Twin Towers:
Video footage of the controlled demolition of WTC # 7 building:
Photos of the Pentagon’s lawn (look at these and see if you can tell me with a straight face that a jumbo jet crashed there):!.htm
More photos of this amazing lawn at the Pentagon:!%20(9-11).htm
Very unconvincing fake “Osama” “confession” tape:
More about the fake “Osama” tape:
Fake “Mohammed Atta” “suicide” letter:
Commercial pilots disagree with “official” 9/11 myth:
More commercial jet pilots say “official” myth is impossible:
Impossibility of cell phone calls from United 93:
More about the impossible cell phone calls:
Experiment proves cell phone calls were NOT possible from anywhere near the altitude the “official” myth has them at:
Fake Barbara Olson phone call:
Where the hell was the Air Force?
More about the Air Force impotence question:
Sept. 10th 2001, Pentagon announces it is “missing” $2.3 trillion (now why do you think they picked THAT day to announce it? So it could be buried the next day by 9/11 news):
Unocal pipeline-through-Afghanistan plan:
Unocal pipeline-through-Afghanistan plan mentioned:
More on Unocal Afghan pipeline:
The attack on Afghanistan was planned in the summer of 2001, months before 9/11:
Pentagon deliberately misled 9/11 Commission:
9/11 whitewash Commission and NORAD day:
The incredible fish tales of the 9/11 Commission examined:
Jeb Bush declares state of emergency 4 days before 9/11 for Florida, saying it will help respond to terrorism:
Steel debris removal from Ground Zero, destruction of evidence:
Over two hundred incriminating bits of 9/11 evidence shown in the mainstream media:
Tracking the “hijackers”:
“Hijacker” patsies:
“Hijackers” receiving flight training at Pensacola Naval Air Station:
No Arabs on Flight 77:
Flight manifests (tell me if you find any Arabs):
Thirty experts say “official” 9/11 myth impossible:
“Al Qaeda” website tracks back to Maryland:
Al Qaeda videos uploaded from U.S. government website:
Operation: Northwoods, a plan for a false-flag “terror” attack to be blamed on Cuba to use it as a pretext to invade Cuba, thankfully not approved by Kennedy back in 1962 but was approved by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and sent to his desk:

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...