Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The rules of the posse

I mentioned my posse in my jubilant I WON I WON I WON, etc. post and April had a few questions about joining up with my merry band of thieves ho's gangstas uhhhh....friends, so I thought I'd elaborate for her and anyone else interested. April said:

"Congrats! Hey, I'm in your posse? I feel so honored. I have never been in a posse before.

Wait, does it smell? Will I need shots to join? to get out of it after? I don't have a passport, or posseport, will I be allowed back in the US? Do you need to pay dues? Do you pay ME dues? Am I the "fat, white chick" that you had to include to meet state / federal regulations? Do I get a kewl new nickname like A. Biddy? Posse..... I need to research this one."

Okay, so April here we go -

It only smells if we've been to a bean supper recently or if I've had one too many appletinis and hurl in the car on the way home.

As of right now, shots are not necessary, but if you start biting people, I'm afraid I will have to change that. Plus I'll have your mouth wired shut. Just behave and you should be fine.

Getting out of my posse is relatively easy. You just have to clean my entire house. So, yeah, you might want to get a shot for that. I would. I've seen my house.

We're rednecks, therefore no passport necessary. We only go to lawnmower races, demolition derbies and tractor pulls inside the US. But a posseport might come in handy, if only to establish territorial boundaries for other posses who might be visiting.

Dues? Oh honey, if you're hangin' around with me, you ARE payin' your dues.

And no, I don't pay you! Geez, I stand in the free cheese line once a month! That means I am poor. Ooh, I could pay you in cheese. No wait, I can't do that either. Mrs. Coach would send out the tribal po po's and get me free cheese taken away. Nevermind. I only whipped out the MasterCard to get votes, not friends. I can't go doin' that too often. There are credit limits I'm sure.

I think that if your posse leader is a fat, white chick then you actually have to find a bronze-skinned skinny chick in order to comply with the Posse Fairness Act of 2004. I think. I'll have to check the rule book on that one.

Cool nicknames are a must and because you are the first to so dub thyself, then yeah, you get A. Biddy.

Peace out.

Any questions?


Anonymous said...

Of course I have a question! What's my nickname? Can I be T-Bone? I sure like to eat T-Bones. I like them so much you should just call me T-Bone.

Sorry, the whole nickname thing threw me into a George Castanza fit. I do want one though. Don't leave me out.

Um, since you're our leader, could you talk Mrs. Coach into gettin' me some of the free cheese? It's my favorite!

Cousin Courtney
Small Town Starlit

Hillbilly Mom said...

Can I join your posse too, Diva? I'll be representin' the Missouri side. My name will be Old Crusty Bitch, but ya'll can call me OCB.

I can't hook you up with any free cheese, but I got it when I was a kid. And peanut butter, too.

I've been to a demolition derby and tractor pull, but no lawnmower race. But we have a guy in town who got a DUI on a lawnmower. And I've been to the Big River Sand Drags. That's almost like a lawnmower race, except with Volkswagon Beetles and Jeeps instead of lawnmowers.

I've had my tetanus shot due to that fracas with the chipmunk. Not that I PLAN to bite anybody...

Redneck Diva said...

Cousin Courtney, aka Small Town Starlit, aka T-Bone- OF COURSE you can be T-Bone!! I can't think of anyone I'd rather call T-bone. Plus, you have to be a part of the posse because you are the token skinny bronze chick. We have to comply with the Fair Posse Act of 2004, ya know.

The free cheese isn't what it used to be. Trust me. Now we can get slices, which ROCK because they're low fat, but the block cheese isn't so hot. (NOT that I'm complaining or anything, Mrs. Coach. Just saying.)

HillbillyMom, aka OCB-Missouri rep-ree-ZENTS!! I am a bit unnerved by the fact that you call yourself "crusty", but hey, I'm not one to judge.

When we went to AR last fall to a tough truck race/demo derby they had racing lawnmowers there. Talk about HILARIOUS!! These aren't your garden variety mowers either. And the guys wear those fire suits like the NASCAR guys wear. Crazy stuff.

Sand drags sound like fun!! I must go sometime. I wonder where I can find some sand...

OOh so if you're caught up on your shots, you can clean my house then, eh?

No one ever plans to bite someone - it usually just happens. At least in my experience that's how it's been.

Queen Of Cheese said...

Ok, I was gonna bless you with more free cheese till I found out I WASN'T THE SKINNY BRONZED ONE!!!!!!!!!!!! So I'm not skinny or very bronzed, but you can't discriminate on that, I should know, I've had civil rights training. Great class for napping BTW. The cheese is changing back in the very close future. Although the sliced will remain low-fat, apparently the death rate due to our cheese was very high on most reservations!!!!!!

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