Sunday, August 21, 2005

My darling mother

My mom and I had another heated discussion this morning about blogging and her loathing thereof. Y'all know how she has fueled a whole new faux fear in the hearts of bloggers - the 55-Gallon Barrel Killer, and I was telling her that Hillbilly Mom nicknamed this mysterious unknown killer, "Fitty". I personally think it's funny. Not actually being chopped up and stuffed into a barrel - no, that wouldn't be funny at all. We just took Mom's paranoia and coined a phrase or two. She doesn't think there is one single thing funny about it. She said, "I don't think it's funny, Kristin. In. the. least. And I'm sure that the people of Wichita wouldn't find it funny either. OR the girl who actually ended up dead IN a 55-gallon barrel! I bet she wouldn't laugh." I could only reply with, "No, Mom, I don't reckon she would." I also didn't think at that moment that it would've been wise of me to argue with her that I didn't think the BTK killer stuffed people in barrels. I don't think he did anyway. Great, now I'm going to have to go Google that.

Anyway, back to the topic of blogging and it's number one supporter, my mother -

She loathes blogging. She not only thinks it stupid, but she also thinks it's dangerous and irresponsible. She swears that I actually did come from her womb, but sometimes I wonder why I didn't inherit the paranoia. Sis sure did. And while Sis doesn't share in Mom's actual loathing of my hobby, she has never hidden from me the fact that she finds it ridiculous, unsafe and a waste of time.

Mom was cleaning her kitchen while I was trying to tell her that Hillbilly Mom has appointed me to assist in the education of the citizens of Beclakia. She just turned around, Windex in hand, and stared at me blankly. Then she kind of raised her eyebrow, tsk'd and said, "Well, you just go on and blog, but if you'll notice - I'M not chopped up in a 55-gallon barrel." Then it was my turn to stare at her blankly. I said, "Uhh . . . Mom . . . if you'll notice, I'm not chopped up in a 55-gallon barrel either."


Hillbilly Mom said...

Oh, great! Now I am in a controversy between you and your Diva Mama. I hope she doesn't read DeadpanAnn, because I just left a comment there concerning "Fitty."

HH started on me this morning about me and the computer, and how I must have met someone online because all I ever do is sit at the computer. He is a great big ol' party pooper. He can spend hours in his BARn, but I shouldn't be on the computer. I think he was mad because I didn't want to drag both kids to Wal-mart with me, and he had to (!) babysit his own kids (!). Oh, the horror!

~ A P R I L ~ said...

Diva, dear friend, I think you and I are safe. "Fitty" only pursues Misses size women, not those of us who shop in the Plus department. I think we're safe. I don't think they make 55 gallon drums big enough for us. And, I'm fairly confident on this, I believe it's against 55-Gallon Barrel Killer's policy to separate a victim and put her into two separate barrels. I'll have to do some research, of course, but I'm thinking there is a stiff penalty for wasting two perfectly good 55 gallon barrels on one not so perfect woman.

Rebecca said...

Hi Diva,
Firstly welcome to the nation of Beclakia. I've decided to appoint your mother "Minister of I Told You So", a powerful position to have.

Regarding the 55 Gallon Drum Killer, I take it you haven't heard of the Snowtown Murders.

Here in South Australia (The state, not the southern part) In a twon called Snowtown (where there has never ever been snow, it's too hot there), in the former Commonwealth Bank, in the vault, was found quite a few barrels. These barrels had been filled with acid, which was used to help break down the bodies of the people placed in them. These people had been killed, and their pensions and government benefits were stolen by the murders, who kept claiming the benefits.
The people who did these murders were caught, and are now in goal.
In true Australian style, Snowtown became a bit of a tourist place, where you could get T-Shirts proudly proclaiming "I had a barrel of fun in Snowtown".

So there you have it, Americans talk about killing people and placing them in barrels, us Australians actually get off the couch and go do it. lol

Sam said...

Come on in, the barrel's fine!

~ A P R I L ~ said...

"I had a barrel of fun in Snowtown".

I'm sorry, but that is soooooo fucking funny. I actually SNORTED when I laughed! ROTFLMAOPIMP

Redneck Diva said...

HillbillyMom-Oh trust me, she doesn't hate you personally - just our shared hobby. Geez.

Oh I TOTALLY understand the husband thing and we have the same argument - it's okay for him to spend HOURS on the motorcycle, jackin' around in the barn or doing some other guy type thing, but the second I jump on the computer all hell breaks loose and I'm neglecting him and the kids and that's all I do is talk to strange men and share secrets that should be left in the marital bed. I don't get it.

And don't you love it when they "babysit" their own kids. I've said a million times that if the child in need of care is a direct result of your very own horizontal tango, mattress mambo or just a quickie in the bed of the pickup then YOU ARE NOT BABYSITTING. You are simply sharing a responsibility. Grr.

April-But what if Fitty's been shopping at Sam's Club and got a really good deal on bulk barrrels and has extra laying around JUST for us plus size girls? Huh? Huh? Answer me that, girlfriend.

Rebecca-Ooh Mom will be so thrilled at her new position. She will do quite well. Trust me on this one.

You Austrialians - I gotta give y'all some credit for your "git 'r done" attitude!

A barrel of fun huh . . . that's just wrong.

Sam-I'm still singing "Knock three times on the barrel if you wa-ant me".

Queen Of Cheese said...

I want a t-shirt!

Let's gather a bunch of old barrels and on Halloween dump them in your mother's lawn!!!!! PLEASE???? I'll even venture back to the Elks for bodies to go inside!

We....the people

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