Friday, August 12, 2005

It's raining, men.

Okay, so I've been a bit out of touch the last few oh . . . four days . . . hey, I've been a busy girl!!

Thanks to Sam and April for kicking my rear into motion and letting me know that there really are people out there who are interested in my life!

Now is the time on Ramblings when we blog.


Friday was the first day of school for the Diva children. This was the first year that I didn't follow the bus to the school like all good smothering, stalker moms do and it certainly made my first day of the school year a bit less hectic! Cute Baby was already here Friday morning when it was time to make our trek down to the bus, so I loaded him into the stroller that doesn't get much action these days and we headed off down the driveway, camera in hand. The thing about the first day of school and the bus route is that you never know when the big yellow bomb will actually get there. So as soon as we were stationed in our waiting spot, I announced that anyone who was going to be embarrassed to death by me kissing them in front of the entire bus had better getting to kissing now. Both kids ran to me and bear-hugged me and kissed my cheek. Well, so much for it still being cool to hug your mom in public. I also told them that they had just saved themselves from the Mom Kiss of Death, but they were still getting their pictures taken when they boarded. Abby rolled her eyes, but didn't protest. When Jill and Chandler got there the bus still hadn't come, so the crowd of spectators grew. We counted birds, picked flowers, terrorized the cat . . . and finally we heard the rumble and then saw the cloud of dust and it was official - the first day of school was underway.

I took only two pictures as they walked across the road to the bus and Jill was rather impressed that they allowed it. I told her that they didn't have a choice - I'll take them no matter how much they bitch and moan. It's my right as a mom to take pictures of them at will - public school function or not. The bus does a turnaround at the neighbors and on its way back, the driver stopped and asked Kady and Chandler if they wanted to go to school. We nearly had two runways. They can't wait to ride that ol' bomb. Weirdos.

So Jill went on to work. I started singing Henry the Eighth to drown out the sound of Cute Baby's screams for a bottle while we walked, Kady and Chandler picked more flowers and the cat hissed at us if we infringed upon her space. It's a big driveway, but she seems to think it's all hers. The bitch.

Poor Sis. Both of her kids are in school this year and she's so very lonely. She called to tell me she had just dropped them off and had actually gone into the school AND classrooms to take pictures (See, Abby got lucky) and we were just chatting and I was sympathizing and in mid-sentence she said, "Can I just come over?" Bless her heart. She stayed here over an hour and we played with the kids and the baby, talked about the impending Girls' Night Out and then she said she was going to go find something to do. She looked so lonely when she left.

I got the kids around and we, too, headed to town. I remembered I had a WIC appointment and we simply can't miss out on more free cheese. And milk. And peanut butter. And cereal. Anyway. While I was in the native American complex, I swung by Mrs. Coach's office to remind her of the impending Girls' Night Out and to also pick up a backpack that she was so generously giving my son. We chatted awhile and then I ran to DHS because it was time once again to prove that we are still poor enough to be on SoonerCare. Then I called Mom and Sis to see if they had lunch plans and we all met up at Arby's. The afternoon was filled with naps for the munchkins and I read a bit.

Plans were finally made and finalized for the GNO and I could barely contain myself until time to go. I made sure Mr. Diva was taken care of, loaded up the kids and dropped them at Mom's, picked up Sis and we were FREE!!!


We had hoped that Small Town Starlit would join our evening, but she couldn't make it. Chandler's mom, Jill, was supposed to come, too, but that didn't work out either. We couldn't get hold of Irish Divinity and if I had put her cell phone # in my phone as soon as she gave it to me, I could've called her. (Sorry, girl!! I suck! It's in the phone now!!) I also had emailed Magnet Lady and her sister, but they have obviously fallen off the face of the earth. (Girrrrrlssss....where arrrrrre youuu?)

We all met up at the Stables Restaurant and Casino in town. Sis and I were late, but I called Mrs. Coach and Dana to let them know the other was going to be there and to look for each other. Dana said she knew Mrs. Coach, but Mrs. Coach wasn't so sure who this Dana person was. Fortunately she actually did know her, lol. Poor April was out of the loop, but she saw me as we walked in and she had us laughing from the minute I introduced her. I looked at Sis and said, "Told you!" She said, "Well, no wonder you think she's funny - she's just like you!"

We talked about everything under the sun, but I honestly think the best part of any conversation had at dinner was when April asked if my mom was in a home. We laughed till I nearly snorted and I was trying so hard not to snort. Mom just got a new job. Dana works where Mom works and was asking how things were going with her new "placement" and Sis and I commented that she was happier now that she was in her own room and the door was always open now and things weren't as stressfull and April, with this look of pure sympathy, leaned over to me and said, "Ohh, is your mom in a rest home?" I nearly spit my twice-baked potato at her! Sis said, "Oooh you can't tell mom that one!" and I said, "Bet me!" It was hilarious.

We laughed till we got obnoxious and talked about things that only women can talk about in a restaurant. I had forgotten that you can actually sit in a restaurant at a table after your food is gone. It's been ages. We all started hearing the machines calling to us and we, much to the delight of our server I'm sure, exited the restaurant for some quality indian gaming. Sis won. Dana won. Mrs. Coach won. April and I - are you kidding?

We left the Stables and headed to the Quapaw Casino. The bar area in the casino was packed so we went to the club in the back. It's for young people. I didn't feel like a young people when we walked in and the entire bar turned to look at us. I wasn't sure if it would've been prudent to break out clog dancing at that point, but they looked so expectant. It was rather uncomfortable and if someone had whistled or something, that would've been okay, but as it was they all stared awhile then went back to their drinking and cavorting about like young people are wont to do. We found a table and I had to ask just who in the hell was the genius that put rolling chairs on a hardwood floor in a BAR. That's just asking for someone to fall on their ass. Like a fat chick who isn't all that graceful even though she hasn't been drinking. But I digress. We ordered a round of JellO shots and there was some confusion as to whether they had some, oh they had only six, not eight, but we'd take the eight, but ooh looky here we found more and FINALLY we taught April how to do a JellO shot. Bleh. Grape. And they weren't very strong. So we then ordered a round of Schminoff in varying colors and did our best to convince Mrs. Coach that her tatas were indeed quite capable of winning the wet t-shirt contest. But when she looked at the other contestants and saw they were two of her participants, she declined. Something about them not respecting her. She SO could've won.

We then decided that the young people needed our table much more than we did, so we exited and found a row of slot machines that SUCKED out the ass and again, April and I lost while Sis cashed out with a shitload of money and Mrs. Coach's machine just belled and whistled all over the place as well. Poor April and me.

We heard the call of the mighty Buffalo and drove down to see what was going on there. We bellied up to the bar and were immediately put off by the obnoxious bartender who, after we ordered our drinks, STOLE one of April's dollars! It wasn't like she'd left it on the bar for him to pick up. He actually acted like he was going to give it to her and then swooped it into his tip jar. Totally killed April's buzz, lemme tell ya.

The highlight of the night was the next stop - The Elks Lodge. Yes, we entered into the sanctuary of the Elk and upon hearing the door shut behind us every person in the place turned to the right on their barstools, stopped their conversations in mid-word and stared at us. No kidding. It was like someone hit a switch, they all turned with such synchronicity. Cuh-reepy. But it wasn't like they only paused to see who it was and then returned to conversation. Oh no, they all just. kept. staring. Finally, April had had enough. She held her arms out wide and yelled, "It's OH KAY everybody!! It's JUST four fat women walking into the bar!!" We then scurried to the nearest table and Heather leaned over to Mrs. Coach and said in a low voice, "You're not fat, you just have big tatas!" Or something to that affect.

And we obviously wore our Beermaster's Drunk Attractant because we had a drunk couple at our table in a heartbeat. He told Mrs. Coach she was "pertier than a pink dress" and tried to unfasten her bra while looking down her shirt. He also said to me, "Okay, so she's Miss April - are you Miss November or Miss August?" I said, "Neither. And you are drunk." Like that was totally stating the obvious, but I'm really out of practice dealing with inebriated fools. The wife called the husband a drunk idiot and he just sat there and looked stunned that such horrible words were come from her drunk mouth. I was laughing in an uncomfortable way, April was actually trying to engage the wife in a conversation but it wasn't working, Sis was sitting hiding her face in her hands and Mrs. Coach just looked miserable at the whole situation. It wasn't long before Sis piped up with "Oh hey girls! Remember that game I wanted to play at the Stables?" We all looked at her a bit dumbfoundedly and April said, "What game?" Mrs. Coach caught on and both she and Sis said, "You know. That game!" I said, "Oh yes THAT game!" and there were immediately four chairs scooted out from that table.

We ended the night at the Stables again. We were just sitting in the lounge area, enjoying the ambience of our surroundings when Mr. Diva called and broke up the party. The big dooderhead.

All in all we had a blast and I hope we can do it again SOON. I'll just make sure that Mr. Diva gets nookie before I go so next time he won't call me at 1:30am horny as hell and mad that I'm not home yet.


I'll write about the rest of the weekend later, but for now I must go! Off to save the world one load of laundry at a time!


~ A P R I L ~ said...

You just have a way with words, Diva! I was totally clueless when your sis said something about going to the Stables to play that game. LOL I'm just a big old dork, not to mention a gambling loser too!

Rebecca said...

Hi Diva,
Hark, do you hear the silence of the children? Isn't it great knowing that you can't hear your own children for a while each day, even if there are other kids there. You can feel the house ease out a breath of sigh.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Ha! Break out clog dancing, indeed. That'll learn 'em to stare at you!

Anonymous said...

Sounds like ya'll had a great time!

Don't stay gone so long again, though, I missed ya!

Sam said...

I'm so happy that you had a great girls night out! I was missing you sumtin fierce though. Check out my site Just kidding. Damn spammers.

Queen Of Cheese said...

I was too busy being pertier than a pink dress to hear the Miss August remark. Too funny. I am SOOOOO not going to the Elk again, you can't get me that drunk!! I think you took me there on purpose. With the drunk guy and the lesbians I was so terrified.....

Redneck Diva said...

April-It was so funny that you were all like clueless about "the game" she wanted to play, but oh Mrs. Coach just jumped right on it! LOL It was just too fun. Can't wait to do it again.

Rebecca-From 12:30 till 2 every day my house is now so quiet it's eerie. Yesterday I got so caught up in enjoying the silence that I fell asleep!! The little ones just don't fight as much - it's refreshing. They're noisy, but in a totally different way.

HillbillyMom-I have found that breaking out in a spontaneous bout of clog dancing will definitely break an uncomfortable silent stare. It replaces it with uncomfortable shifting in the seat and not making eye contact, but hey, it's better than when they stare!

J-I can't believe I was gone so long either! Glad to know you missed me though!

Sam-AWwww you missed me! I am touched. I will check out your nakedgirlsunderage if you'll check out my K? Let's just swap spam.

Mrs.Coach-ROFL I have said "pertier'n a pink dress" so many times in the last few days! It's just too hilarious. I don't think I'll be going to the Elk again either. Unless I have my mother there to protect me since she's like a somewhat regular there which is just really kinda sad and now maybe I'm thinkin' I should have a talk with her... anyway...

Oh come on, the lesbians weren't so bad! Heather says that that blonde one keeps trying to hit on me but I am just not seeing it. She's perty but not perty like pink dress perty...maybe more like yellow dress on a summer afternoon perty. I dunno.

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...