Saturday, August 27, 2005

Name Brand

Okay, so not only do I steal from Hillbilly Mom all the time, but now I'm going to steal from Brian as well. Brian did a post about the things that he has to have name brand, the things he can waver a bit on and the things he could care less about and it made me think about the brands that I use in my home. And now I'm going to share with you because well, I'm just pretty sure that y'all are just dying to know what kind of deodorant I use. Oh you aren't? Too bad.

It's gotta be this brand or I'll do without:
Laundry Detergent - Tide Clean Breeze. Once, when Mr. Diva and I were first married and broke, one of the warehouse grocery stores in town had Surf for like, $4 a gargantuan box, so I bought some because if I'm not mistaken, we only had about $5 that week and no clean clothes. Mr. Diva put on that first Surf-laundered shirt and promptly broke out from head to toe. We've used nothing but Tide since. I did go from Original scent to Mountain Spring a few years ago and then when they came out with Clean Breeze I switched over. I live in fear that they will discontinue my scent.
Fabric Softener - Downy Clean Breeze. Hey, it matches my Tide. I was out awhile back and Mom gave me a box of Bounce. Then all of my laundry smelled like Mom's. Not that that's a bad thing, I just like my laundry to smell like well, my laundry.
Bleach - Clorox. I don't like cheap bleach.
Shortening - Crisco. We get generic shortening when we get our monthly alottment of Free Cheese, and I use it to grease pans and stuff, but when it comes to actual baking, it's gotta be Crisco. Loretta Lynn knows her shortening, I gotta give it to the ol' gal. I used the generic once when I made decorator icing and it separated and was nasty-looking. Mom clicked her tongue and said, "Didn't use Crisco, did you?" Then like a wise product sage, pulled a can of Crisco from her cabinet and handed it to me. "Never use anything but Crisco from now on, dear." And I haven't. It was a bonding moment, a passing down of the shortening torch.
Salt - Morton's. I don't really know why. Mom said that Memaw always used Morton's and Mom has always used Morton's, so I do, too.
Waffles - Eggo. Those Great Value Wal*Mart waffles are disgusting.
Chips - We only buy Lay's KC Masterpiece BBQ chips, Cheetos, Ruffles, Pringles and Doritos. I can't handle a wanna-be chip or cheese puff.
Peanut butter - Peter Pan. I cannot eat anything else. My throat locks up and I gag. The kids would eat peanuts that had been run over by a truck on their PB&J, but I just can't do it. I even tried Jiffy once. It just wasn't the same.
Ketchup - Heinz. I can make barbecue sauce with the cheap stuff, but for my burgers and fries, dudes, it HAS to be Heinz.
Soda - Gotta be Coke, Diet Coke and Dr. Pepper. (Brian, I agree, that Dr. Thunder is just wrong, man.) We don't do Pepsi either. *shudder*
Deodorant - Secret Platinum Protection Shower Fresh. You just don't mess with perfection. When you find something that works and doesn't smell like sweaty flowers, you stick with it.
Body wash - I use only Bath and Body Works shower gel. The kids use only Johnson's Soft Wash. (Mr. Diva isn't picky. Dial, Irish Spring, Lever 2000, heck, I bring home motel bars and he's okay with those, too.)
Hand soap - Again, only B&BW. Antibacterial, foaming, smelly-good - we use 'em all, but they all come from B&BW.
Toothpaste - Colgate. Plain ol' Colgate. I don't like to brush my teeth with vanilla or bubble gum or anything that tastes like something I might sit down to a table and eat. I like to be minty fresh when I'm done brushing. And I tried the Equate that is "comparable to Colgate" once. I gagged and spit and threw the tube in the trash before any other family member got hold of it. That was a whole .78 wasted. It was nas-ty.
Dog food - Pedigree. We had a blue heeler years ago that suddenly got really sick and lethargic. We thought he had worms, so I hauled him to the vet one day. Turns out the poor fella was suffering from malnutrition. We were feeding him Ol' Roy from Wal*Mart. The vet said that's like feeding a dog flavored sawdust. He recommended Eukanuba or Iam's and I said, "Well, what can a working person feed their dog?" He laughed and said Pedigree was the best you could get that, at that time, wasn't from a vet. Now our Jake gets Pedigree with "crunchy nuggets." Yum.
My underwear and bras - I will only buy them at Lane Bryant. Fat chicks have a really hard time finding a bra that fits good and this fat chick found her perfect bra at Lane Bryant. God-light from heaven shone down upon that rack on the back wall and a voice said, "Go and partake of these bras, my child. You shall be comfortable from this day forth." I could probably buy Wal*Mart panties, but the ones at Lane Bryant match my bras and y'all know I'm a bit compulsive about them matching. It just saves my brain from freaking out knowing that my bra is a different shade of blue than my panties.
Toilet Paper - Quilted Northern. Anything else gives me a rash. Quit laughing. I'm serious! When I stay in a motel I have to take my own toilet paper. What can I say, I have a sensitive cooter. When we were having septic problems the plumber suggested Scot tissue. I walked around miserable for a week before I said, "Screw the pipes" and bought a 24 pack of Northern.
Tomato soup - Campbell's. Only Campbell's. I can fudge a bit on the other kinds, but not my tomato soup.

I have a few choice brands and will waver a bit:
Paper towels - I got back and forth between Brawny and some generic at Wal*Mart. But I won't use Sparkle paper towels - they smell like dirty butts when you get them wet. Ask my sister - she thinks so, too.
Shampoo - I got back and forth between Thermasilk for curls and Pantene for curls. I used to use something from the salon, but then I had child #3 and I gave up my expensive hair stuff. That's probably why I always look like Phyllis Diller these days.
Cottage cheese - Borden's or Hiland. Anything else has a funny taste to it. Cottage cheese is a delicate food as it is - you can't have sub-standard curdled milk, ya know.
Dish Soap - Dawn or Palmolive. Whatever's cheapest when I need it.
Dishwasher Detergent - Electrasol or Palmolive. As long as it's not lemon, I'm not too picky. The store brand is crap, though.

I could care less:
Milk - Generic is fine with me. I don't drink the nasty stuff and no one else in the house cares.
Sugar - Whatever's cheapest.
Tea - You'd think as much sweet tea as I drink I'd be a Luzianne or Lipton-only kind of gal, but truthfully, I like the generic just as well. It's tea, not rocket science.
Bread - It's bread. If it's white and squishy and sticks to the roof of your mouth when you take a big bite, we'll eat it in this house. White bread is bad for you anyway, why pick a more expensive brand to gum up your intestines?
Cream of anything soup - Hey, I don't actually like eat a bowl of that nasty glue-looking shit. I just stick it in casseroles. I'd rather stick a .50 can in my chicken casserole then a .98 can.
Cereal - The big $1.97 bulk bag of CocoRoos make my kids just as happy as the $4.50 box of CocoPuffs. As long as they are ingesting sugar-laden balls of chocolate-flavored puffed corn, they don't really care if it's a box or a bag. The big $1.97 bulk bag of CocoRoos makes Momma happier and ultimately, that's more important.
Syrup - Aunt Jemima, you're cute and all with your little bandana and oh Mrs. Butterworth your 80's commercials were mesmerizing, but I'm sorry - you ladies are just a bit too expensive. Maple-flavored corn syrup shouldn't cost $4 a bottle. Sorry. The $1.35 generic tastes just fine on my Eggo waffles.

4 comments:

Hillbilly Mom said...

Well, all us idea-stealers know that you gotta spread the theft around. You can help yourself to my drivel anytime. Lately it seems like nobody's been a-stealin'. Hell, it seems like nobody's been a-readin', either.

I'm with you on the Tide, though I like "Mountain Breeze." My Hillbilly Mama used Surf one time, and I broke out from the socks. Not anywhere else, just where the socks covered.

My kids are fed a steady diet of Save-a -Lot cereal. Circus O's are the new Froot Loops. Fruity Diamonds are Fruity Pebbles. Sugar cereal for redneck kids is like crack for ferrets. Just ask DeadpanAnn.

Redneck Diva said...

HillbillyMom-I've been readin'! Promise!

That Surf is some seriously rough-ass laundry detergent. I don't know what's in it, but I'm fairly sure acid or at least small grains of glass are involved.


I love Ann's crack for ferrets analogy! I found myself using it last night. A guy at the casino last night was most certainly hopped up on something. I rolled my eyes as we walked away from him (briskly) and said, "Damn. He's actin' like a ferret on crack." Mr. Diva nearly spit his free casino soda all over the poor soul in front of him! He thought that was pretty amusing.

Sam said...

Kleenex. Q-tips. Cannot substitute these things EVER. No damn facial tissue off-brand or cotton fucking swabs. No, no sir. Not in my house.

Redneck Diva said...

Sam-Qtips I can skimp on. I buy the generics and have for years. But yeah, tissue is an important one - I can't believe I forgot THAT one, especially with all the boogers we've had around here. I gotta have the Puffs Plus with lotion...anything else is pretty much like blowing your nose on your hand.