Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Poor, poor Sis

Yesterday she felt up GG.

Today she saw her naked.

I fear the woman is now scarred for life. Sis, not GG.

She took Papa and GG to Joplin this morning to admit GG. It was her understanding that she was simply driving them up there, getting GG settled and then bringing Papa back home. But oh no. It seems octogenarians don't care what they have told you in previous conversations. They just change their plans and whims at will. God love 'em.

Papa went to lunch first in the hospital cafeteria. When he came back up after an hour and a half later and told Sis that they were serving prime rib and oh how delicious it was so she grabbed her purse and headed down there to discover that they had closed the cafeteria 15 minutes before he had even left it! So she ate something from a vending machine.

When the nurse told GG to get into a gown Sis said, "Okay, well I'll just wait out in the hall while you change," and tried to bolt out the door, but instead GG said, "NO! I need some help!" Sis looked at Papa thinking that since he married the woman that surely he would be the one to help her change, but no...he was conveniently looking out the window and ignored them both.

She called me later this afternoon and I asked how the day had gone, knowing that it hadn't been great from the phone calls I'd gotten from Bub and Mom telling me that Papa didn't bring any of her meds with them because in his mind she wouldn't need them - she was in the hospital for cryin' out loud. She sighed and said, "Oh I SO did not sign on for what I endured today!" I said, "Oh hon, I'm so sorry. I heard it was a bit of a mess with the meds and all." She said, "OH! NO! The meds were the least of it. I. Saw. Her. NAKED!! I touched her pee. I touched old lady pee!" I said, "Oooh you actually saw the waist boobs today?" She sighed again and said, "Oh I wish it had only been the boobs."

I tried not to laugh. Really I did. And I know that I'm going to pay for the laughter someday like when I have to see my mother in law naked or give her a suppository or something, but I just couldn't help it. I just couldn't.

Later my phone rang and y'all know I don't answer my phone without the caller actually speaking to my answering machine. I waited for the beep and then I heard my mother speaking in a small, frail-sounding voice say, "I'm old and I'm naked and I need some help getting dressed...can you help me?" Mr. Diva was sitting at the table eating a sandwich. He got the strangest look on his face. I grabbed that phone off the hook and said, "Oh I'm sorry. You must be looking for my sister."

6 comments:

Hillbilly Mom said...

Okaaaaay....not only have you ignored the note-to-self intervention, you have compounded the matter by telling ANOTHER "waist boob" story in your comments reply on the original Waist Boobs post.

What am I going to do with you? Don't make me call my buddy "Fitty!" Of course, he would have to speak on your answering machine to make an appointment to meet you with the barrel, since you might get a shotgun after him if he dropped in unannounced.

I have tremendous sympathy for ol' Taterbug after what she had to endure.
I kept telling myself "Look away! Don't read it!" But I had to.

Now I want to know why she touched old lady pee.

MrsCoach2U said...

Poor Tater, after all that she had to hand out green snow cones and beads at the fair last night. She did look a little shell shocked, I thought it was the heat, now I really know what was wrong. If I'd have known, I'd have bought her a funnel cake.

Jerzeegrrl said...

Again, sitting at my desk laughing my ass off inside. You are terrible, Diva! (But of course, I would have laughed at my sister, too)

Redneck Diva said...

HillbillyMom-I know, I know. But come on, you know it was a good story. Gross, yes, but still a good story.

Yeah, have ol' Fitty gimme a call, but make sure he identifies himself on the machine. I'll pick right up.

Maybe I should clarify - I don't think she actually touched the pee itself, but held the cup after the specimen had been given. But you know as well as I do that holding a cup of warm urine ain't the most wonderful thing to do.

Ew.

Mrs.Coach-She asked whether I wanted to work the snow cone booth or watch all five kids and take the boys to karate and I figured after the day she'd had, the snowcones were less traumatic. Now she's running around with green fingers. Poor kid can't catch a break for nothin'.

Jersey-Heehee. I love it when I make you laugh on the inside!!

Sam said...

My dad was in the hospital last year. I accidently saw his PENIS! OMG! EW!

Redneck Diva said...

Sam-I'm not sure I'd survive something like that. I just don't think I could ever get over a trauma such as that.