Wednesday, June 08, 2005

If I could read directions . . .

This is one of those situations where it kind of pays to read the directions before you go off all half-cocked and answer the whole entire flippin' meme instead of just answering five like it asked you to. Oops. But you know, I like to talk about me so it really wasn't all that painful. So here ya go, ALL of my answers to a five question meme. Heehee.

If I could be a scientist...I would cure all of the bad stuff that makes kids sick. Especially asthma.

If I could be a farmer...I would not keep chickens that lay green eggs. That is just wrong, people.

If I could be a musician...I’d sing in for people whenever I could. I’d love to have one of those voices that stirs people, even if you’re just singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

If I could be a doctor...I’d spend more than 10 minutes in my patients’ rooms AND I would order blood work more than the doctors today do. A lot can be told by a simple stick of the finger, but no one seems to want to trauamtize anyone these days.

If I could be a painter...I’d paint. Duh.

If I could be a gardener...I wouldn’t kill any green thing that I touch like I do now.

If I could be a missionary...I’d really pray hard that God wouldn’t want me to go into the foreign mission field. Let me stay home and win American souls for ya, Jesus.

If I could be a chef...I’d be a pastry chef.

If I could be an architect...I would have to learn geometry and probably brush up on my math skills. And learn how to measure accurately....yeah, I’m thinking this isn’t not a plausible career choice.

If I could be a linguist...I’d talk right purty, I would.

If I could be a psychologist...I’d be more willing to diagnose OCD in children and save them a lot of pain and suffering as adults.

If I could be a librarian...I’d be a really good one. And not cranky. And I wouldn’t look down my nose at people like so many librarians do for whatever reason. They just all seem to literally look down their nose at you.

If I could be an athlete...I sure wouldn’t be fat, now would I?

If I could be a would force me to learn to be more aggressive.

If I could be an innkeeper...I’d keep an inn? Huh? Innkeeper? Come on.

If I could be a professor...I’d build a radio out of bamboo stalks, not coconuts. Everyone knows that coconuts are not radio wave compatible.

If I could be a writer...I would write the story that is sitting in the back of my brain and has been for over a year now.

If I could be a llama-rider....I would put one of those lampshades on it to keep it from slinging spit back at me.

If I could be a bonnie pirate...I’d say "Arrrrrrrrgh"a lot.

If I could be a service member...I’d have an excuse to wear camouflage.

If I could be a photographer...I’d stay totally away from taking pictures of babies in metal washtubs.

If I could be a philanthropist....I’d be very philanthropical. Philanthropicalistic. Philantropicastic. Uhhh....I’d be really nice.

If I could be a rap artist...I’m white. I should never be a rap artist. Just like Eminem should never be a rap artist.

If I could be a child actor...I’d hope someone would tell me I’m about 30 years too late.

If I could be a secret agent...I’d be able to wear black catsuits and carry a lethal cell phone and lipstick.

If I could be a comedian/comedienne...I’d get paid to make people laugh. And be pretty good at it, I think.

If I could be a priest...I’d have to undergo a sex change operation first. Oh and switch over to Catholic.

If I could be a radio announcer...I’d probably get fired. My voice is too whiny for the airwaves.

If I could be a phlebotomist...I’d probably get fired from this one, too. They kind of don’t like their lab people passing out on the patients.

If I could be a pet store owner...I would not sell spiders.

If I could be a computer programmer...I’d write a phoenetic version of HTML.

If I could be a police officer...I’d use my handcuffs when I was off duty.

If I could be a politician...I’d probably have to come out of the closet as a Republican.

If I could be a mom ... Am there, doing that, still wearing the maternity t-shirts

If I could be an underwater basket baskets would be lopsided, I’m pretty sure of it.

If I could be a reality tv host... I’d take advantage of my position in order to get to judge the Miss American pageant or something like that.

If I could be a forensic pathologist...I’d try to snag a date with Gil Grissom.

If I could be a TV show writer... Seinfeld anyone?

If I could be a dictator of a small country...they would call me Your Diva-ness.

If I could be a ice cream store owner...I’d use homemade brownies in brownie sundaes.

If I could be a teacher...I’d be on Prozac.

1 comment:

Redneck Diva said...

Jersey- Well, girl...someone has to like him!! I'm just glad it's not me, lol.

I had to throw away a maternity tshirt the other day and it nearly killed me! I guess it was time - my oldest is 8 1/2!! I'm surprised it hadn't dry-rotted by now!

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...