Friday, September 16, 2005

Make the noise stop!

Mr. Diva sheepishly asked again last night if we could go to the event with the skanky pole-humping ho's. I told him again, quite vehemently, that if he desired to go watch skinny herpes-laden skanks drag their cooter up and down a pole for his enjoyment, then by all means, GO, fer cryin' out loud. And he, being the thoughtful man that he is, asked "Well . . . if I go, what will YOU do?" I told him that I would probably just sit here in my house with no TV on, no radio on, possibly no lights on, and just enjoy the quiet. He didn't understand why I'd wanna do that, but I assured him that I had no desire to see a former schoolmate hump around on a pole for my husband's viewing pleasure. There are several girls that went to my high school that dance exotic now. (Is that like waxing poetic?) Oh wait, I just checked out the other site and it appears that they are bringing in professional exotic dancers and even a professional porn star, to boot. Oh and lap dances will be available. But I'm bettin' that one exotic dancer isn't going to be able to keep the men happy by herself. They're going to have to have other ones, too. Ya know, maybe I could go and find a few of my classmates for the reunion.


I totally forgot to mention some of the best redneck saying in my post yesterday! I can't believe I forgot these!!

* "Richer'n two foot up a bull's ass." (That's my favorite. It cracks people up when you describe like, a turtle cheesecake like that."
* "That'd gag a maggot off a dead wagon."
* "It's rainin' like a cow peein' on a flat rock." (Dave in Ardmore had his version of this one.)
* "It was so quiet you could hear a mouse peein' on a cotton ball."


Okay, so I was telling Mr. Diva about my noisy ghost yesterday and he got all serious on me and said, "You know, there's been some freaky shit goin' on in this house lately." I guess the other day the kids and I were gone when he pulled in. I had left the blinds open to the big picture window on the front of the house. He was sitting in the truck listening to a song on the radio and just happened to glance up and he saw a shadow walk through the living room and down the hall. He said it looked like a man, but he could only see a shadowy form. So he got out of the truck, unlocked the front door and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary. He was kind of talking to himself, which he actually really does, and went to the secret hidey-hole and grabbed the pistol. He then proceded to walk down the hall to run out my stalker, aka Fitty. He just knew someone was in the house; he knew he saw someone walk down the hall. After checking the entire house and closets he came up with nothing, but when I mentioned the strange noises yesterday, you could tell he was really kind of spooked. So am I now.

First thing this morning the lid from a Mason jar went flying off the jar and under the dining room table.

Tell me that ain't some freaky shit.


Yesterday I told Kady to go put on her brown sandals. She said she wanted to wear her white sandals. I told her that the brown ones would look better and to please put them on. She put her hands on her hips and said, "Momma. If I were the momma in this house I would SO stuff your feet into those ucky bwown sandals and I bet you wouldn't wike it either!"

She told me.


I really probably could think up more to write but I just realized that the SpongeBob episode playing right now is "The Hash-Slinging Slasher" and it's one of my FAVORITES!!!! I am so outta here.


Hillbilly Mom said...

You are scaring the freaks! (Remember that from Madagascar?)

Seriously, you are scaring me! I only saw my headless man once. My most recent thing was hearing a bunch of kids talking in #2 son's room at 11:30 pm. I convinced myself that it was a game or tape playing somewhere, even though everything in the house was turned off. It made me wish I hadn't gone in to check on him. I'm a big scaredy cat.

I haven't seen shadows, or had things fly around. That is too much. What's going on there? How did YOU get a new poltergeist? Have the kids noticed anything? Did you get any "new" old furniture when this started? I think that's where my odd happenings came from.

Now I will be afraid to read you at night, down in my dark basement office, with everyone else asleep. Oooooo! I am scaring myself!

Anonymous said...

I am so jealous! I wanna ghost too. Will you share yours with me? Can we have another white noise party? Can we, can we?


Margaret said...

Kady is too damn cute!!! omg...and yes...freaky shit about the mason jar...damn...


~ A P R I L ~ said...

We should have a seance at your house!! So cool!

Maybe you should offer the ghost some free cheese?

~ A P R I L ~ said...

We should have a seance at your house!! So cool!

Maybe you should offer the ghost some free cheese?

Redneck Diva said...

Hillbilly Mom-You know, not once have I actually felt scared! Spooked, yeah, but never fear or anything like that. Now, if I actually saw a shadowy form or something I might pee my pants, but we're going to hope that doesn't happen. I'm kind of okay with the lids flying across the room thing, but don't materialize for me, ghosties.

That's cool about the kids talking in son's room!! Freaky cool. Your house is a hotbed of paranormality. We should introduce our ghosts sometime, lol.

Last weekend I got a new dining room table and cabinet thing and a couple of end tables, but nothing particularly old or anything. Hmmm...we played with White Noise a few times here, but that was last winter. Why would it take them so long to get here?

Starlit-Heck yes!! I say let's go for it!

Monkey-Kady is a mess, lemme tell ya. She rules the roost.

Yeah, lids flying off jars, things falling off of's exciting and unnerving all at the same time!

April-No seances and no ouija boards. I am so drawing the line there. We can play with the white noise thing until something weird happens and then I'll draw the line there! lol

It's a ghost of my indian ancestors wanting their free cheese -that's gotta be it!

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...