Monday, September 19, 2005

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams

After the REC Day debacle on Saturday, we hung out here. Yeah, I mentioned that. Sis can't wait to get her satellite TV back. Yeah, yeah, this is old news.

Well, the guys had been working on the farm-ette all day Saturday and Mom's auction was running late, so I told Sis to leave the kids with me and I'd just take them to Mom's when she got home. FINALLY she got done and we headed in to drop everyone off at her house. By the time we got into the derby it was 7:38. It had started at 7:00. 38 whole minutes of derby lost forever. And then, upon entering the gates I saw the Mustang. THE car I was supposed to drive. I slapped Mr. Diva really hard in the chest with both hands and said (very loudly), "THERE'S MY CAR!! THE CAR YOU WOULDN'T FIX FOR ME!!" It's a good thing that I'm prone to outbursts like that and people know I'm teasing because I hit him pretty hard. The deputy sheriff that was standing there laughed his head off. As we were walking toward the stands, after my outburst was over, I just out of the blue punched him really hard in the arm. And the sumbitch punched me BACK! He never punches back! Yowch.

We saw a guy he works with as we were walking up and he said there were seats by him and his wife so we ended up on the second row. Not pit-quality, but still good seats. The derby was awesome. The finals heat was cut-throat, mean, dirty, full of team driving and about 4 cars looked like nothing more than crumpled up wads of aluminum foil when it was all said and done. There were no rollovers and only one fire, but still a good derby nonetheless. The Powder Puff heat was even good.

The ZZ Top concert that Sis and Bub were at was supposed to start at 7:30 and we figured that both festivities would be over with around the same time. Sis called me at 8:45 and ZZ Top still hadn't come out. I voiced my concern that someone had maybe had a heart attack. But turns out they're just jerks. The band that opened for them said, "Y'all better just enjoy us for awhile because until ZZ Top is darn good and ready to come out they won't come out." I don't think they showed up until after 9. I think they're getting a mite cantankerous in their old age. Sis said that she really doesn't think that the two hairiest guys are even the original ZZ Top guys. Like who'd know anyway? They're covered in all that hair and dark sunglasses - why, it would be anyone up there. That's how they've maintained success all these years. We know now. The truth is out, you big hairy mysterious guys.

Some other friends of ours were at the derby and we mentioned that we were going to Shooters afterwards. They said they'd see us there. So we invited Billy, the guy Mr. Diva works with, and his wife, too. So it was looking to be a pretty promising time at the sports bar. I could envision me actually winning a game of darts, getting schnockered and just generally having a good time not feeling old. I was psyched.

We left the derby around 10ish and as we were walking out my phone rang. It was Sis' number and I figured it was her telling me they were done. But instead I heard a cacophony of what I think was "Sharp Dressed Man". I guess Melissa got a similar call with "Legs" blaring into her ear. Oooookay, so the concert was still in full swing so Mr. Diva and I went to the Ku-Ku. I mooched some of his onion rings and watched him eat a mayonnaise-laden burger and only gagged a couple of times. Mayonnaise is one of those things that I can handle only if I don't see it. I know it's weird, but I just can't look at the stuff. My cousin and her little girl came in not long after we did and she said, " do realize you have no children with you, right?" We laughed and I said, "Yeah. We're not quite sure what to do with ourselves." She said, "I carry a deck of cards with me. When Mike and I find ourselves out without kids and have nothing to say to each other, we play cards." I fear that our days of that aren't too far away.

We headed over to Shooters and most of the gang was there. Melissa and her husband Terry were at the bar and she was playing some computer trivia game-y thing. Her friend Mike was at the bar and he was just being his usual (gay) self. (Not that there's anything wrong with that. He's just gay and we're not and he's flaming and we're rednecks. Sometimes he just doesn't fit in too well, bless his heart.) Mel's brother, Jeff, and his girlfriend came in right after us. Jeff was supposed to drive in the derby, but as he was getting ready to load the car it wouldn't start. The starter went out mysteriously. So he was pissed and ready to drink. Mel and Jeff's dad, Jim, was also there. Jim has been like a second dad to me for 9 years now. I love that guy to pieces, although there are times I'd like to strangle him.

So Mr. Diva, Jim and Jeff sat at a table and started talking cars and trying to figure out if they had enough junk cars in the field to get all of us in the derby next year. I watched Melissa play her weird computer game thing and talked to Mike a little bit, trying to jog his memory as to where he met me because he totally could not remember me. Finally I got tired of standing so I sat with the guys. I always end up doing that. I hang out with the guys. The more I drank the sleepier I got, so I kept drinking thinking that I'd get past that sleepy stage. Nope. I just kept getting sleepier. FINALLY Sis and Bub got there and she started drinking, too. We were waiting patiently for a dart board to open up and when it finally did I was borderline shitfaced. Drunks darts is fun. And I kept inadvertently cheating which made it even more fun. And my sister throws like a girl - a fact that I kept yelling pretty loudly.

After a few games of darts, Mr. Diva and I were a) tired, b) horny and c) he knew that he'd better get me home and take advantage of the horny before the tired took over. So we stopped at the bar to tell everyone bye and they were all like, "Why are you leaving so early?" And Sis, who was feelin' pretty good herself, said, "BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO GO HOME AND HAVE SEX!! LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX!" Now at that moment Mr. Diva wanted to just die a thousand deaths and if I were a good wife I'd have just slunkered out the door with him, red-faced and quiet. But noooooooooo, what did I do but shout back, "YES. WE ARE LEAVING HERE TO HAVE A LOT OF REALLY. LOUD. SEX. VERY VERY LOUDLY." Melissa was so sorry she asked. And Mr. Diva had been tolerant till I said I'd demonstrate a few of the positions for them. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me out the door doing his "I am going to murder this woman" chuckle that he probably does more than he should.

And the sex was neither loud, nor was there a lot of it. We were just too stinkin' tired. We should've just played cards, that's how old we felt.

Yesterday when I went in to pick up the kids I ended up staying until nearly 5pm. Mom had flea market stuff to price and Sis is fighting a sinus infection so I just sat with them while Mom priced and Sis sniffed and we visited and laughed and I so needed that. Mr. Diva and Bub were finishing a closet in Addison's new room at the farmette so when the kids and I got back home here I sent them off to clean the toyroom and straighten up the living room. I cleaned the kitchen and started a load of laundry. By the time Mr. Diva got home we had already eaten dinner, so he ate and then we all went out to ride the 4-wheelers.

I think I could've pollenated a national forest with the pollen that was in my eyes after that ride. Pollen, dust, seeds, bugs - you name it, it was stuck in my eyes. We drove down around the neighbors fields which is our usual route, then we went around his other fields, then we went up the road to find our neighbor burning his ditch. So we shut the 4-wheelers down and sat out there and visited with him until it got dark. Then it was back to the house to throw three very dirty, dusty kids into the shower. We were both so tired that he was crashed in the recliner and I was sprawled on the couch and we didn't even have the energy to break out the deck of cards.

I have a GS meeting thing tonight (I think. Right Jennifer?) a GS meeting thing tomorrow night, Wednesday Sis and the kids and I are going through winter clothes then watching the season premiere of Lost, then there's Brownies and Parent/Teacher Conferences Thursday night and we're toying with going out of town to the races this weekend or to Worlds of Fun. And we wonder why we're always so tired . . .


Robert van de Walle said...

When we were boys, my brother developed an aversion to mayonnaise. He said it's because it looks like it comes out of pimples from the backs of fat people's legs.

Redneck Diva said...


But I can kind of see where he was coming from . . .


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