Monday, March 14, 2005

I'm cooler than Shrek

I can make the little popping sounds with my mouth like Donkey (Or as my kids say "Donkay!") from Shrek. I'm pretty good at it, too. I can do it softly and annoying-like or I can be really really loud and obnoxious with it. This drives Kady up the wall because instead of cool popping sounds, she can only make kissy sounds. So I pop, she says "Donkay!", then she kisses and I say, "Kay-day!" and then I pop again....and so it goes. I don't know why this amuses the two of us so much.


Last night I picked Sis up at midnight and we headed to the Lucky Turtle Casino/Convenience Store/Gas Station/Car Wash/Cafe/PowWow Grounds/Hunter Check-in Station for some free gambling. I wore my favorite PJ pants even though they are really too big and I step on them constantly. In fact, I should know better than to wear them out in public because last week while wearing them here at home, I stepped on the hem of one leg and managed to actually pull my pants down. This would not be cool in the casino, man. Fortunately last night, my pants stayed on.

We got our $10 and then got our free pop. The key to free gambling at the casinos is the free pop. Even if you don't win a shitload of money courtesy of the kind Native American casino, you can at least drink your weight in free soda. The Big Fancy Casino has Coke products. They rock. The Turtle, however, only has those horrid Pepsi products. But at least they have Mountain Dew.

Something that really cracks me up is this: The Casino is attached to the convenience store. If you walk through the door that attaches the two you walk directly into the soda fountain in the store where you have to pay for the soda. Yet, you can step back into the casino and get free soda. So if one were particularly brave and savvy and all, they could technically pay for their gas inside the store, sereptitiously walk into the casino and get a free pop, walk out the other door from the casino and voila' - one never pays for convenience store soda again. But that's just a theory, now. Don't go tellin' the Turtle people that you read on a blog somewhere that there is free soda out there for the takin'. Don't get me in trouble, friends.

While we were in line waiting to fill out our vouchers for the free play, we were directly beside a man playing a $5 machine. One spin = $5. This makes my stomach hurt. FIVE DOLLARS down the hole every time you hit the little button. Ack. Okay, but here's where I start getting violently ill - he was betting 3 at a time. $15 down the hole. Oy vey. He had the machine up to $1160 when we got in line. That machine was making so much noise it was comical. This guy was quite aware he was a spectacle and was doing a fair impersonation of Tom Cruise in Cocktail, making sure the moves to hit the expensive button were flamboyant and full of flair. We weren't impressed, to be quite honest. A guy in line told us he'd already cashed out three times and started over again. While we waited in line he went from $1160 up to $1250, down to $940 and then we got tired of watching him throw good money down the tubes when we could use that money to aid in our debt elimination. But we're not selfish.

So we proceded to begin our gambling expedition. Yahtzee was good to me last week, giving me $15, so I decided to see if the gods of Yahtzee were smiling my way this week. Yeppers. They were. I won 50 nickles, 72 nickles and then 50 nickles. I got up to $18.50, then played down to $15 and cashed out. Poor Sis faired not so well yet again. She then played a different Yahtzee machine after I "woogied" it for her, giving the gods of Yahtzee reason to believe I was asking for their benevolence for my sibling. They must've been popping up some microwave popcorn when I woogied because she didn't win crap. I plugged in $5 of my winnings and then decided when it ate my money in 2 minutes flat, that the machine is undoubtedly cursed. It wasn't negligence on the part of the gods of Yahtzee, it was bad juju in the machine. Plain and simple.

When we were leaving the insane gambling man had it down to $600-something. When the guys got there 30 minutes later he had it up over $2000. Geesh.


My back was hurting really bad last night after our casino run. So after Paul left for his turn, I curled up in the recliner, stuck pillows all around me and settled in for some late night TV. I was half-asleep when Paul got home at 2:45, handed him the remote and dozed back off. He fell asleep on the couch. Well, by 5am, my back was screaming in protest from my position in the recliner that had previously been so comfy. I stumbled back to the bed, didn't even pull down the comforter, just laid down on top and pulled a blanket over me.

Heehee...Paul was asleep on the couch. He was the one that got woke up by the kids this morning. HA!

I wasn't about to move from my really snug haven in the bedroom. He was yelling at the kids, yeah, but hey, I was warm and comfy and my back was finally not hurting. I dozed back off. Sam came in at one point to tell me in a stage whisper, "Hey Mom! We're letting you sleep in this morning!"

I was having a dream about an old boyfriend when suddenly I heard metal banging. Loudly. I heard little feet running down the hall and then miraculously the banging was muffled. My precious darling children had shut the door. I love those little boogers. I ignored the banging, ignored the repeated nudgings from my bladder that I, indeed, needed to pee. And badly. I dozed off again, bladder ignored. I heard a muted "SON OF A BITCH!", but chose to not investigate. Ah, once again, dozing back to old boyfriend land when I smelled hickory smoke. Awww, how precious, my family is smoking meat for me and they're going to surprise me with a nice lunch (No matter that we don't own a smoker) because it's probably close to noon now and I am SO enjoying this sleeping in thing. Mmm...the hickory smoke was enticing. Stomach was growling. Then the bedroom door was flung open, bounced off the wall and Sam yells, "MOM!!! Dad just ripped off the fireplace door!" Aw shit. How does one rip off a fireplace door? I didn't even open my eyes, I just said, "Well, honey, best thing to do is just stay out of Daddy's way now, m'kay?" And covered up my head. "Got it! KADY!! ABBY!! Mom says stay out of Dad's way now!" And off he ran. Five minutes later, Mr. Diva comes into the bedroom and says, "You gonna sleep all day? Burned my arm. Broke the far-place."

Paradise lost.

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Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...