Monday, March 07, 2005

Anyone wanna be an heir to my vast fortunes?

Okay, this is the kind of sadistic household I live in. There is no loyalty here, people. I gave birth to those children, yet they TURNED on me in a heartbeat. I am so going to remember this one when they come begging for something like a NEW CAR. And MONEY. Geesh.

This morning, Paul woke me up by pinning me down and TICKLING me! Tickling! Me! He tickled me ruthlessly! Well, the muffled cries and screams that were coming from our bedroom sent the kids in of course. More witnesses of me being tortured. I was calling him names, I was not laughing, I. WAS. MAD. He was cackling like a maniac. Kady flipped OUT and not unlike a 2 1/2 foot tall Ninja warrior, jumped onto the bed and started pummelling her father screaming "YOU WET GO OF MY MOMMA YOU POOPOO PSYCHO BUTTHOG!! YOU ARE A DOODER HEAD AND YOU ARE MEAN AND YOU QUIT TICKWING MY MOMMA!" Yeah, that's my baby. She was doing her best to save her helpless mother. The sound of my youngest offspring's voice gave me power and I managed to flip that sadistic husband of mine off of me. Before I could fully get away though, he had me pinned again and the tickling began anew. He told Abby and Sam to tickle me, too. They refused. They stood there next to the bed, wide-eyed, bewildered and not sure if they should run and hide, call 911 or attack their father. I was saying, between screams, squeals and pants, that THEY loved me and THEY were loyal and THEY weren't torturing me brutally and THEY knew who the BEST parent was.

This is where it gets ugly: Paul said, "If you jump up here and tickle Momma you can have your Gameboys back."

(They got the Gameboys taken away 4 weeks ago when they lied, conspired with each other to perpetuate the lie and neither would give the other one up. Gotta give 'em credit for the sibling loyalty, but it really made us mad. Paul said they would not get them back EVER until they 'fessed up.)

Those kids jumped on that bed and commenced to tickling faster than you can say Mario versus Donkey Kong. The little turds. Kady never did join in. She sat at the foot of the bed, arms crossed, pouting and yelling at them all, telling them they were dooder heads. I love that kid so much. The other two...well, I still love 'em, but they are outta the will. Out I tell ya.

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Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...