Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Tears of exhaustion

Sometimes I just cry. Ever get like that? You are too tired to express yourself by any other means than tears. I have been an emotional bawl-bag all day today and tomorrow I will have the puffy eyes as a result. Damn my emotions.

Today I was overly sensitive to comments made by my mother and sister. I think they were intended as the usual benign, teasing banter that we normally trade back and forth, but for some reason today their comments hurt. I knew it was silly the way I was reacting, but I couldn't help it. My mother apologized when she realized that my feelings were hurt. Sis didn't. She's brutally honest and how dare she not read my mind and know I was having a hormonal kind of day? Everyone should tap into their psychic abilities to cater to my emotional needs, right? I'm kidding. Well, only partially. Anyway, she didn't feel an apology was necessary, but it still would've been a nice gesture. I actually have a blog post half written in my head - not about what they said in particular, but about comments such as this that I have been getting a lot lately. But I'm too tired to write it tonight. I already feel the tears prickling behind my eyes again and I don't want to cry again this close to bedtime. It'll wash out all the Visine that I poured into my eyes in a futile attempt to ward off post-bawling puffiness.

I worried myself nearly into a fit thinking my husband was really, really mad at me. For nearly 24 hours I fretted and stewed and thought I'd really done something wrong. Turns out he just missed me. Gosh, sometimes he reminds me why I married him. And when I finally got the courage to ask him, "Are we okay?" and he assured me that we were, saying "Well, honey, it's hard to talk to you when you're not at home to talk to" it hit me that I'd been acting very silly over something that was my own fault. I'd been running errands, helping Sis with her new house, flying from one location to the other and when he said that I saw how absent I'd really been. I blew things out of proportion, which seems to be a trend for me today. I knew things were really okay when, as I was walking away from him, he hollered "I love you!" at me out the garage window at Wal*Mart. Showing emotions in private is very hard for him, so for him to holler out that he loves me in front of his co-workers and customers really meant a lot to me. The rest of the afternoon, and especially as the day wore on and I got more tired, all I could think about was just snuggling in with him on the couch and falling asleep. Yet the first chance he got tonight after I got home, he slapped my ass and said "WHOO HOO!" and I knew that snuggling was out of the question unless I wanted to be grossly assaulted. But he loves me and now everyone that was at Wal*Mart this afternoon knows it as well. Pretty damn cool.

I told him, as he sat in his recliner across the room from me staring at me with this helpless, bewildered expression on his face - the one he wears when I have an emotional outburst and he has no idea what to do with me - that the outburst was a good sign, believe it or not. He cocked his head a bit and said, "Well, that's good to know. I think." I said, still sobbing, "Well, every time I have a meltdown, crying, uncontrollable fit like this I start my period the next day." He sighed. Then I added: "Or else I'm pregnant." He didn't sigh that time. He stopped breathing altogether.


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