Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like had I made different choices. What if things in my life had happened differently? I think we all wonder that from time to time, but for some reason tonight I'm thinking about it hard.

What if I had been more athletic and active as a child? Would I be a coach now? Would I be an Olympic athlete? A model? Thin, at least?

What if my parents hadn't spanked me when I needed it?

What if that car accident when I was 3 had been worse?

What if my dad had been killed in Viet Nam? Or hadn't gone at all?

What if my mom had gone on to college instead of deciding to get married and be a homemaker?

What if I had been an only child?

What if Tater had been a brother not a sister?

What if I hadn't had my first date at 15 and had waited till I was 16? Would I have made better choices later on? Worse ones?

What if I had said no that night on the dirt road?

What if that pregnancy test I took at 18 had been positive?

What if my parents hadn't gotten a divorce when I was 18? What if they had stayed together longer? Or gotten divorced sooner?

What if I had let that guy hit me instead of getting angry and threatening to leave and refusing to cower? Would I have started something I couldn't have stopped, either with him or any other man in my life?

What if the thought of going on a date with a skinny guy called Boog hadn't sounded absolutely terrific that night?

What if the pregnancy test I took at 21 had been negative?

What if we had never been given the opportunity to discover that we actually wanted three kids?

What if after the loss of our first child we had been too scared to try again? What if the fear of losing another child had been too much for us and we'd have given up?

What if I had tried pot? And liked it?

What if Mr. Diva's motorcycle accident hadn't been more than four staples and some road rash?

What if?

What if?

It's hard to not wonder, isn't it? And even on the nights I get melancholy and introspective and start the game of What If's . . .

I know that those three kids sleeping back there in their beds are the most perfect things to ever happen to me. I know that the man snoring in the recliner was put in my life for a reason. Some days I wonder if that reason wasn't just to teach me patience and other days I wonder how I managed to earn such favor with God. When I roll over in the night and feel him there next to me I can't explain the feeling of peace and comfort that comes over me. Even when we've been fighting, just knowing he's there makes me feel better. And even though my kids are well past the baby years, I still find myself waking up at 3am to check their breathing. I look around at what I've accomplished and know that every choice I made - even the bad ones - made me who I am today and got me to this very point.

It's overwhelming at times just to think that one different answer, one action in a different direction, one more moment of thought or hesitation ... it would all be different.


Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

Awww! That is so sweet. I often think about how even the bad things made me Me. It's nice to see someone talking about how happy they are instead of how bad things are.

I often wonder how things might be different if I had NOT tried pot, or had tried pot but not liked it so darn much. Would I be smarter with those extra neurons?? Would I have developed a taste for beer and rock music and gone to the concert that night where I met my now soon-to-be-husband? Would I have had the sense of humor to wear the SPAM t-shirt that made him decide to talk to me?

Just like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop, these things, too, the world may never know...

Queen Of Cheese said...

I had the same kind of night, only it was "what if I put something in his drink", "what if I don't hold the pillow down long enough", "what if I asked for some kind of pill to help these hormones".........

Crystie said...

I love this post. I have actually had some of those same what if thoughts. Found you from italk2much, and I'm going to bookmark you.

Anonymous said...

What if I didn't set that dog on fire?

I would have never met my wife at the county jail check-in and I'd probably be doing time for murder.

I think you always run over the "what-if" trail when something makes you hate, or appreciate what you've got.

I didn't meet my wife at the county jail check-in, and the dog's fine. Geez.

- Boggzie

MamaKBear said...

The posts that make you go "Hmmmmm"!!

I think we've all been there at some time or another.

Anonymous said...

What if all this is a dream? If I knew it was, would I do anything different?


Carmel said...

I like the better what ifs...

What if I won the lottery?

What if wake my husband up with a kiss rather than let the alarm go off?

All the other what ifs are too mind boggling. And, I like my life. I don't want to know what if...

Redneck Diva said...

Ann, brought together by pot and a SPAM t-shirt...that's one to tell the kids. Kind of like how Mr. Diva proposed to me in bed. No way we can tell the kids that story since we're not allowing them to date, have sex or leave the house. Ever.

Mrs. Coach, I've found that the pillow is rather ineffective. I still have mine, see?

Cristie, you found me through it2m and you still came over? Dang. Thanks!

Boggzie, your poor, poor puppy....but ya know, the life of a dog is a small price to pay when it brings you to True Love.

(JUST KIDDING - I love dogs. Sort of.)

MamaKBear, yes. I find myself getting all melancholy from time to time and counting my blessings helps.

Jenny, wow.

Cissy, in the immortal words of Garth Brooks, "I could've missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." He's wise, that cowboy from Oklahoma.

ccap said...

Thank you for this.

We....the people

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