Thursday, April 20, 2006

Running Amuck

Okay, okay....just to let all of my concerned fans out there know:

I am emotionally okay. I have not committed suicide. Or homicide. I am still married to my darling husband. I see no divorce in the immediate future, but that is always subject to change at my whim.

Thank you to all of you who inquired, asked and generally voiced your concern. I love y'all. It was just one of those days. Two days.


I have been running amuck for two solid days now and the end is in sight. Tomorrow morning I will leave the house (Yes! You read that right. I'll actually leave the house!) at 7:45 and will not return to the Ranch here until Sunday afternoon. I am running away from home. But unlike when I was 13 and had plans to work in diners and rent crappy one-lightbulb-lit, sparsely furnished apartments with my best friend who was also running away with me, I will actually return home.

I'm taking a Selfish Vacation. Not a "Vacay" because well, I'm not 17 and it just sounds pitiful coming from a 33 year old stressed out mother.

And along with leaving my house attended only by my husband for two days comes masses of laundry and dishes and other not-normally-done chores because he will do nothing but fish, sleep, watch COPS and porn and eat sandwiches while I'm gone. Nothing else will be done. Plus I'm leaving the daycare in the able hands of Jen. The Lord be with her. I have written out a three page detailed list of our routines, little tips and hints and an hour by hour schedule and a vast list of emergency phone numbers. It's not that I don't think she's going to be fine, it just makes me feel better to write it out so she'll have it if she needs it. I used to do the same thing with my mother when Abby was a baby. She'd just nod her head and then promptly toss it when I left. Jen will probably do the same. And I'm okay with that. I just have to obsess a little before I go.

Sam's class is going on a field trip tomorrow and I'm going with them. I love going on field trips with his class. More than with Abby's class. Not that I love him more, but because the little girls in his class think I am The Shit. Even Hillbilly Mom confirmed that yes, I am The Shit, so it must be true. But these little girls just want to be with me constantly, want to sit by me, hold my hand, eat lunch with me and best of all - they tell me I'm pretty!! Not OH SO PRETTY, like Hillbilly Mom, but still pretty. The little girls in Abby's class are well, frankly, pretty much standoffish. I hope that the girls in Sam's class don't turn out that way by the time they hit 3rd grade because 1) that will just crush my ego and 2) my son could very well end up dating one (or two or three) of them eventually. I don't think they will - the girls in Ab's class have always been that way. Kindergarten and up, aloof, standoffish and they don't tell me I'm pretty. That simply will not do. I have always been closer to the boys in Abby's class because see, when I spend time in her class she is attached to my hip and along with Abby comes a herd of little boys. They really like her. Up until this year it's been because she just plays better with boys, she likes what they like (most of the time) and she can play their games. This year things have changed. Boys are not just for playing with, but for giggling over as well. She still only has eyes for *Chance*, though. (Insert little hearts here) So Mr. Diva is going with Abby's class to the aquarium next week. That way he can hang out with all the little boys that are hanging out with his daughter. Oh my gosh, those poor boys.

Sam's class is going to a cave. Whoo hoo, a cave. I can hardly wait. I will double up on my Xanax, Prozac and carry a flask of whiskey in my pocket along with my cell phone which will be rendered useless underground but just in case I need it to throw at a herd of wild bats which might decide my hair looks like a playground I'll have it. Whew. That was quite a runon sentence. Mrs. Coach admonished in an email this morning that I should not wear my Daisy Dukes because the cave is somewhere around 69 degrees. Dang, I already had them laid out and everything. And a tube top, too. No, even the bats aren't ready for that. But now I at least know to take a jacket. Thanks, Mrs!

Then after the field trip is over and the kids are headed back to school, I am going into Springfield to buy bras!!!! (Yes, four exclamation points really were necessary there.)

I can't handle the Uniboob anymore. The speedbump on my chest that should be two rather roundish, attractive uhhh......humps.....yeah.......well, I just can't handle it anymore. Be damned, ye Uniboob!


Irish Divinity said...

Ok, I just had a mini panic attack, I thought today was Wednesday and you wrote you were leaving in the morning.....ok I can breathe now that I've realized it is Thursday! Quit. Laughing.
And I totally trust jen to keep him, but I have to admit a tinge of freak out - you are the only one besides tamara that has ever kept him. I hope he behaves for her. Again. Quit. Laughing.

MrsCoach2U said...

Have a good time. Wish I could go too but that would screw up the "self" part of self-ish trip if you had company......

Shannon said...

Brady's field trip is to OKC to the OKC bombing site and Omniplex on the 28th. I don't know if I am going or not yet. 6hrs on a bus with a bunch of kids, I don't know.
We will leave at 7am and get back at 7:30pm. That is a looooooong day! I went to Tulsa last year to Bells and thats no big deal. But OKC?? OHMY!

Have fun on your field trip! I wish we were going to a cave! I missed that field trip because I was working during that time. :(

MrsCoach2U said...

Diva pardon me while I comment to Shannon----6 hours on a bus is the same as going to a football game for Bluejacket! Good luck!!!!

CISSY said...

Diva: Hope you are having a world of fun on the field trip and in Springfield. I went on a cave field trip one time with a class in Okinawa. It was not fun. Rain seeps into caves. There were bones and ruins still there from WWII. There were bats. Still, it was memorable. Just not something I would ever want to do again.

Hillbilly Mom said...

Hope you have a good time. Maybe after you get rid of the uniboob, a woman in Save-A-Lot will tell you that you're OH SO PRETTY. Although I'm not sure we have such a useful talent, what with attracting mentally unbalanced women and 7-year-old girls.

Stacie said...

Oh, I'm so jealous of the bra shopping. I refuse to ever buy another sports bra because of the very reason you describe. Uniboob. Not a pretty sight for me. Uniboob with cleavage all the way up to my double chin. I, too, am down to ONE bra. And though it's not as colorful as your leopard print one, it is bright teal. I wear it under my white Dora scrubs anyway, hoping that it doesn't show through too bad. I need a trip to Lane Bryant some time SOON. And next time I want Mike to be along with me so he can pay for the dang things. I can't be wasting my precious pay checks on clothing for myself! They go for groceries, what was I thinking?

Shannon said...

Diva--excuse me while I comment back to MrsCoach! LOL!
Don't tell me that, I really won't want to go now......imagining screaming kids on the hot bus sweating. I wanted to drive but my son wants to ride the bus.
I have to decide by tomorrow. AAAHHH!

MrsCoach2U said...

Diva- 'scuse me again....
Shannon have you seen the price of gas? Ride the bus! Steal Diva's MP3 player, take some Benadryl and you'll never notice anything!

Shannon said...

MrsCoach-I found out one of my friends(that works in the office) is driving and I think I am riding with her and another one of our friends. Yay! Yes, the gas prices suck!:(

Christie said...

have fun with the bra shopping!