Monday, April 24, 2006


Ahh...I feel so rested.

You know those anit-pot commercials? The one where the chick is all deflated on the couch from smoking pot? Well, I kind of felt like that all weekend. Not from smoking pot, but I was just so relaxed. It was quiet. It was calm. It was chock full of alone-y goodness.

Friday morning I got up at 5. That was hard. I knew it was way too early and I would have everything done way before time to leave, but just in case something went wrong I’d have a cushion. Sam woke up at about 5:02. That kid...if he hears any noise in the house he’s wide awake. He gets that from me, bless his heart. I heard him frantically rapping on the bathroom door and then whisper loudly, "MOM! I have to POOP!" I sent him on to the other bathroom because I didn’t want him to stink up the bathroom that I was showering in and bless his heart, that I-just-woke-up-and-I-have-to-poop thing he was doing should’ve been my cue to pack extra clothes for him.

I woke the girls up a little earlier than usual so that I could spend some time with them. Kady resisted and made me want to set my hair on fire, but she eventually warmed up when I threatened to take away her next three birthdays. I had obsessively checked my lists for Jennifer, checked the diaper supplies, made sure bottles were clean and ready to go, considered making up bottles for her, but decided not to, checked and re-checked my suitcase before I loaded it in the van then checked and re-checked the suitcase while it was in the van... I was stressing much. Babies started arriving and then Jennifer got here. Abby was clinging to me like a staticky sock, Kady was totally declaring to the world that Jennifer was going to spoil her all day and Sam was bouncing off the walls at the sheer magnitude of the cave trip.

Abby was hugging me for the 40 gazillionth time when she stopped, looked up at me and said, "Have you lost weight?" I said that yes, I had lost a little. She grinned, put her head back down and squeezed me again and said, "I thought you had. I can put my hands around you and do this." She pulled back and interlaced her fingers. I nearly cried.

I gave Jennifer some last-minute instructions and Abby, Sam and I headed out the door. I stopped at the Snak-Atak for a Diet Coke, which I later found out from a boy in Sam’s class that "that stuff will eat holes in your brain, Mrs. Sam’s mom." Then the chaos began. Kids everywhere, noise, smells, teachers, intercom voices, lunchbox comparisons - I needed a Xanax with a Ritalin chaser. I got to check every kid for a lunch and pack them all in boxes and then we loaded up. The note the teacher had sent said that all kids had to ride the bus up there, but could ride home with their parents. Well, since I was staying Sam couldn’t ride home with me and I assumed he couldn’t ride up with me. I guess I should’ve asked because I found out after we got to Springfield that one little boy rode with his parents. That kinda sucked.

But the ride by myself was kind of nice anyway. I plugged my MP3 player into one ear, you know, so I could leave the other ear open to talk on the cell phone. I’m all about road safety, after all.

We checked in at the cave, had all the kids go to the restroom and then had a picnic lunch. I let Sam pick where we sat and he immediately went to a table full of little girls. Nope, he didn’t pick the table full of little boys that were crawling all over each other, jumping off the table, throwing food, screaming, yelling and generally being little boys. Nope, we sat with 5 little girls and another mommy. He’s such a playa. His little "girlfriend" wasn’t at that table, but she did hover quite a bit after she finished eating. The kids ran off to play and the other mom and I sat and visited. She has a daughter in Abby’s class, too, so I’ve known her since they were in Kindergarten, but I wouldn’t call us friends or anything. She’s nice, but I’ve just never been a real big part of that "in" crowd. But we visited and had some interesting conversation, although I’m quite sure she thinks I’m a total nutjob because she kept talking about her chickens and I didn’t say much and she asked if we had any and Sam piped up with, "No, we don’t have chickens. Mom’s scared to death of them!" What is up with the world and chickens lately?
When it was nearly time for the tour to begin Sam and I walked up to the van to put up the lunchboxes. He said he needed to use the restroom, his tummy was kind of hurting. I said we’d go as soon as I locked up the van. Then suddenly he got this look of panic on his face and said, "Uh oh. Uhh...Mom? Uhh....I think I just pooped my pants." Poor fella. That’s when I had a flashback to that I-just-woke-up-and-have-to-poop thing he had done that morning. Oh no! No extra clothes. So I grabbed a handful of wet wipes and we ran to the restroom. I figured he’d be all upset, but not my Sammy. He’s so dang easy-going that he was like, "Come on, Mom! Let’s get me cleaned up so we can go into the cave!" Abby and Kady would’ve been in tears and we’d have had to have bought new clothes and had years of therapy.

Just as the trailer was headed into the cave my cell phone rang. It was Jennifer telling me that there was a snafu with a fax that Mom was sending to the GS Council about our trip. And I guess the chick from the council was freaking. Thankfully the guy parked our trailer for a minute and I had a chance to call Mom and fix the problem. Good thing it happened when it did because we weren’t 15 feet into the cave and there was no cell phone service. Duh, I guess, huh?

The cave, although named Fantastic Caverns, was not really what I’d call fantastic. The tour was interesting, yes. Informative, yes. Fantastic, eh not really. But the kids loved it and that’s all that matters. I sat by one of the moms that I’ve known since the boys were in PreK. Her husband is hot. I didn’t sit by him, though. And she kind of made fun of me for not looking down the sinkhole because in addition to my fear of chickens, spiders, clowns and water, heights is pretty far up there on the list of phobias for me. It was really deep and scary looking, in my defense. Btw, Hillbilly Mom, I had no idea that "sinkhole" is an official word! I thought that was just some hillbilly colloquialism you coined. I was laughing even while I was panicking at the rim of the ginormous sinkhole.

The tour got done late, the kids all had to pee of course and they loaded the bus late, and of course, Sam was whining that he wanted to stay in Springfield with me, but as much as I love him, I needed the break. So his teacher told him he could sit by her and suddenly I was replaced and he was fine. Although, he did wave and blow kisses at me until they turned toward home and I turned toward downtown Springfield.

I went directly to the mall because there is a homing beacon that calls to me when I’m close. I can’t ignore the call of the mall. And as I neared, the Lane Bryant coupon in my wallet was veritably glowing from the sheer power that $25 off a $75 purchase holds.

I am now the proud owner of three new bras. And I must say, the girls look pretty perky and defined in them. I feel so supported yet OH SO PRETTY all at the same time. I started to have a sports bra burning party, but with the burn ban and the high winds I decided to just bring them home, put them in the drawer in the off chance that someday I might work out. Or I’ll just use them as dust rags.

I had just purchased my new supportively pretty undergarments when my phone rang. It was Jennifer. There was no "hello" from her, just a panicked "OhmigoshKadyhasatickwhatDOIDO????" I felt like a 911 operator trying to talk the panic-stricken accident victim through the trauma as I calmly told her how to remove the tick and then what to put on the bite afterwards. She called me back 5 minutes later to tell me that the vile creature had been disposed of and Kady was fine. I was more worried about her. I told her I knew she could do it and that there was liquor in the pantry if she needed it. I think she did. She had spent the day with 5 small children and I always need liquor after that.

That night I watched Armageddon and bawled my freaking head off.

Saturday night I watched Powder and bawled my freaking head off.

And I slept. A lot. Just random napping. That was awesome.

I left Springfield fairly early yesterday morning and went directly to Buffalo Run. There’s a homing beacon there, too. I put in a $20 and promptly won $89. I called Paul to see if he wanted to come in and play and I’d share my vast winnings with him. But he was out riding with a friend and I couldn’t get hold of him, so I spent it all myself. From the casino I went to Wal*Mart where I bought a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread because Paul informed me that I could not come home if I didn’t. I think he missed me.


Queen Of Cheese said...

Glad you had a good time.
Keep the sports bra's in case you have to have a medical test and arent' allowed metal, that's pretty much all mine are good for.
Mr.C was glad I had the hysterectomy just b/c he could now have sex and not worry about've met Natalie!

Anonymous said...

We all know you were smoking pot. Lie to the newbie Diva fans - not those that know better. =) Hell, you sold me the best bag I ever procured.

The new site's up, and I'm making a promise to you, in writing, that I will post daily in some way shape or form, and it won't be sports. ;-)

Glad you're better, girl, and Mr. Diva will understand. Us 'Males' are slow, but loving creatures.

- Boggzie

Margaret said...

Not a bad review on the "Italk2much" slap-site. That's a rarity! =O)

I am hosting a contest on my Blogger site for "Mom's Who Blog" in honor of Mother's Day and I found your Blog to be very well written plus you're a Mom!

Winners of the Contest will be announced and recognized until May 14, 2006.

Winners who wish to do so - will be given a " Mix
Pix Award Button
" to display on their site or sidebar. This will help to direct traffic and readership to their wonderfully created

If you wish to be included in my list of nominations please email me at

Thank you for making the Blogger world a wonderful experience!

Margie Mix

Redneck Diva said...

Mrs.Coach, I rather liked the idea of a Bonfire of the Bras, but I guess I'll keep 'em around for medical emergencies.

There will never be a day we don't worry about procreating - he's too big of a weenie to get a vasectomy! I've tried to tell him that we could go back to those carefree, pre-prophylactic days, but he ain't buyin'.

Boggzie, you rawk. You remind me of a guy I hung out with in HS.

LOVE the new look and I am SO holding you to the vow to write daily. There will be much witholding of the pot if you quit writing again.

Margie, a rarity yes. I was spared.

Country Girl, I guess they have to call it "Fantastic Caverns" because "Meh These Ain't So Good Caverns" just wouldn't bring in the crowds.

Jennifer, you know I love you just the way you are! ((hugs))

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...