Sunday, April 09, 2006

Git 'r done with interior design

Last night we finally got to see Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. And I've decided that he and Mr. Diva were twins separated at birth.

Okay, actually my husband is not as bad as Larry the Cable Guy, but ONLY because he's married to me. I'm not just tootin' my own horn here, either. I seriously mean that if it weren't for him marrying a diva 13 years ago, the poor man could've very well been Larry the Cable Guy.

Case in point:

When I started dating Mr. Diva he was living alone in a little red house down in a holler. He and his buddy called it "the little red stabbin' cabin." Not because they were homicidal maniacs and took their victims there or anything, but because they thought they were the epitomes of manly charm and that they were sex gods and "stabbin'" was their word for what they wished they were doing on the weekends. Not to say that they weren't just sweepin' the ladies off their feet with the wearing of their starched Brush Popper shirts and Stetson hats or anything, but for the most part the Little Red Stabbin' Cabin was the "get drunk and watch movies till we pass out" cabin.

The first time I entered the cabin, I was about four and a half sheets to the wind. I was 19 and I was horny and well, let's just say the cabin served us well that drunken night and I paid no attention whatsoever to anything but the good-lookin' cowboy and his bed. But it was the next time I visited - completely sober - that I realized that my new boyfriend had some seriously retarded views on decor and taste in general. The signs that he had lived alone too long were everywhere - from the stolen stop sign leaned up against the living room wall and the 1960's era TV with folded up paper wedged in the dial to keep it from slipping off the station to the cassette holders stacked about chest high just chock full of Hank Williams Jr and Waylon and the $6000 stereo system proudly displayed in a second-hand Wal*Mart fiberboard entertainment center

But the piece de resistance was the couch and the chair. Now, I'm sure that in the late 60's, early 70's when the furniture was obviously manufactured and sold, it was some expensive stuff. Good quality craftmanship woven together with the metallic rust brown and tan that matched some of my mom's old Tupperware and then add in wooden armrests and back . . . oh yes - my husband had a couch with velveteen cushions and a wooden frame. (The armrests were fairly handy for beer can stability, though, now that I think about it.) Oh and lest we forget the pattern on the cushions - a house/cabin/barnish structure of some sort, a water wheel mill thing, babbling brook, trees, foliage, Lord deliver us from the forest type thing. It was at my insistence (and threat of witholding certain boyfriend/girlfriend activities) that he sold both pieces to his brother. Glory halleluiah.

Last night we were sitting in the theatre, watching the movie and getting our crass humor fill for the month when the realization of what I had saved him from never became more evident. I was sitting with my Diet Pepsi in my lap, Tater was leaned over toward Bub who was slumped down in his seat. Mr. Diva, too, was slumped down low in his seat, chuckling and out and out laughing from time to time. All in all we were pretty relaxed and entertained. The scene switched to Larry drunk on his couch. When Larry stood up and the couch was shown in its entirety, Mr. Diva sat straight up in his seat and said, "I used to have that couch!!"

Mr. Diva's brother sold his old couch to Larry the Cable Guy. It had to be the his old couch - there surely wasn't more than one made.


Erudite Redneck said...

But did Mr. Diva have a *spool*?

Anonymous said...

I so beg to differ!! Not only did my mom have that couch when I was a child, so did the man who became our neighbor many years later in a totally different town!

Hillbilly Mom said...

I had a construction sawhorse with a flashing yellow light that I could have given him a good deal on. They might have come from the same street, if he picked up his stop sign in Springfield.

Stabbin' Cabin...Roxenboxen...y'all are so lyrical over there in Okie land!

Redneck Diva said...

Erudite Redneck, I just asked and yes, Mr. Diva had a spool at one time. He also just told me that he had a bull skull on the wall and a hornet's nest still attached to the limb, propped up in the corner. It's a good thing he married me when he did.

Anonymous, NUH UH!! I'm stunned, shocked and amazed. heehee

Jennifer, the only reason Mr. Diva had that one is because I guess he ran into one one night and the cop made him pay for it. So one night he and his buddies got drunk and he declared that since he paid for it, he should own it. Again, I must say, it's a good thing he married me when he did.

Hillbilly Mom, oooooh doggies! You were fannncy!! I bet the flashing light lent a certain ambience to the room.

They didn't come from the same street- his was from Wyandotte. He stole one of the 5 stop signs in Wyandotte.

We aren't really lyrical - the rhyming is just really easy and we can't tax our little brains, now can we?

Kelli said...

OMG - when I saw that movie I recognized that couch too! My uncle had it in his batchelor pad after my aunt kicked him out.

That is so funny! It was the same freakin couch!

Mr. Diva have any brothers? I have to admit that I have a little cowgirl crush on Larry the Cable Guy..they say we look for men like our dads... :)

Stacie said...

My in-laws had that couch up until about a year ago. They bought it at Westco when Mike and I were dating. So, as of 1993, they were still making that crap! Yes, velveteen, water wheel, farmy looking, with the wood arms and all that good pretty stuff. There towards the end of it's life, it was propped up with concrete blocks because the legs broke off. You'd sit down and your butt would practically be on the floor. Not a place for this fat girl to sit, that's for sure!
Oh, and a little side story here about my brother in law. He was living with a friend at the time this happened. He had his girlfriend over and they did it on his futon and when they finished, all four legs were bent out and the futon was flat on the floor. He said it looked like a squashed bug. Note to self: never have sex on a futon.

Redneck Diva said...

Anne, I'm just shocked and amazed that so many of those fugly things were made!

Mr. Diva has two older brothers and their taste is worse. Oldest brother STILL has a bull skull on the wall. And the middle one...well, we just won't go there.

I have an itsy bitsy crush on Larry, too. He is nothing like my father, though - but entirely too much like my husband.

Stacie, why does it not surprise me that your in-laws had that couch? Ooh and I bet those concrete blocks were something to behold.

Sex on a futon!!! ROFL Duly noted my friend. Duly noted.

Queen Of Cheese said...

My mother in law still has that couch in her living room, she bought it second hand. I couldn't sit on it this weekend because I kept thinking of Mr. Diva and his cabin and I was VERY afraid of it!!!!

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