Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Loser

Today I obviously woke up insane and decided to work out. Now, don't get all fired up - it's not like I went to a gym or anything. I just decided to finally peel the plastic off of my The Biggest Loser Workout Video that I've had for a year and a half, hermetically sealed and sitting on the shelf.

Sam's going to basketball camp this week, so I got up, fixed my coffee and then we headed to town to drop him off. When the girls and I got back home, I slipped off my Crocs and put on my sneakers, peeled the plastic cover off the video and put it in the DVD player. Bob Harper's sexy, smiling face greeted me and we began.

Okay, this isn't so bad....I can step, tap, step, tap.....yeah, this is good.....I got the beat and ooh, Bob you are so cute! Step, tap, step, tap......

Then my friend, Bob Harper the cute trainer, added an extra step to the step, tap rhythm. I was feelin' pretty good.

Step, step, tap....step, step, tap.....

We did some torso twisting and that was good, too. Felt good to move my torso like that. I have rhythm and can keep a beat, but I look very white when I try to move to that beat. I kept up, though, adding some punches to the mix and feeling powerful.

Punch, punch, punch, punch.......Bob, you're so cute when you punch.....Are you defending my honor?......What a sweetie you are, Bob.....I wish I looked cool like that chick.....Here, let me hold my fists like this.....Oh yeah, now I'm cool......Punch, punch, punch, punch......

Okay, back to step, tap, step, tap and I was feeling a little warm, but still good. My sweetie, Bob, told me to move one foot out front and step, tap, forward and back now. I still looked white, but managed.

Step, tap, step, tap.....Ooh, now we're going to lift our front leg instead of tapping......Oh wow, that's not something I'm used to.......Yes, Bob, I'm feeling my heart rate raise just a little, now hush, okay?........Lift, tap, lift, tap......Pant, pant.....Why you go so faaaaaast? Slow down and enjoy things......Now you want me to kick? Pant, pant..... Okay......Kick, tap, kick, tap.......WHAT? Kick back, too? You are pushing your luck, Bob dearest.......Kick, kick, kick, kick.......Shut up, muscles, this is what you were made to do! Kick, kick, kick......Bob, quit being so happy, m'kay? Just for a few minutes.......

That sweet, sexy Bob took us back to the first step, tap, step, tap rhythm for a minute or two to catch our breath, but mine had done outrun me. I never caught it. The next part of the routine was a combination of kicking and punching.

Kick, punch, punch, tap, kick, punch, punch, tap.......Oh dang, I'm off beat again.......Kick, punch, punch, tap, kick......DANGIT.....I'll just wait a few kicks to catch up.....That's okay.......Bob says if it doesn't feel right, to not do it........Nothing about this feels right......Nothing......Kick, punch, punch......The punching is easier if I picture your face, Bob, dear........Stop smiling, you cruel, happy man......Okay, I'm on beat now.....kicking, punching, gasping, sobbing.....Yeah, I think I've got it.......

That sadist, Bob Harper, then told us to lunge. Instead, I step, tapped for awhile. Because it's hard to lunge while you're crying.

Okay, I'll try the lungeing.....It can't be too bad, right?...........OH HOLY NIGHT, lungeing is not good!.......Ow.......Ow..........OW.......Lower? I don't think so, you sicko........I'll mini-lunge if it's all the same to you......"Abby, dear, go get Momma a water bottle, please".......And I no longer find you cute, Bob Harper......I no longer find you human, either.....Ahhhhh, water......Cool, clear, water.......

The last rhythm is completely a blur, but it involved squatting and holding. I didn't like it.

Squat, hold......You are so mean, Bob, and if I could get my hands on you right now, I'd KILL you or at the very least MAIM you......Be warned.......No, telling me I can do it will not work anymore because you are a LIAR.........A BIG FAT LIAR........"Kady, if you laugh one more time I will spank you so hard"........Holding, holding, burning, muscles screaming, tears falling.......Maybe a heart attack wouldn't be so bad right now.......

Then finally the torture was over and it was time to cool down and relax. My idea of cooling down and relaxing is a Bud Light and a nap, but I was so emotionally vulnerable that I played by Bob's rules.

Ahhhh.....That's a nice stretch......Yeah, that feels good.......Other leg? Oh yeah, I have two, my bad.........See, I lost feeling in my lower extremities about 20 minutes ago........Arms out.......Yeah, that one feels good, too.......No, I'm sorry, I can't balance right now because the gasping for breath is making me fall, maybe next time, we'll see...........Not feeling so good......Deep breaths, Kristin.......Slow......Deep.......I think I'm going to throw up........Breathe.......Barfing isn't fun, remember?...........Ow, sweat in eyes..........Gag...........Gag..........Oh crap, I'm going to throw up!

And that was it. My workout was over. My shaky legs took me down the hall to the bathroom as quick as they could and I stood over the toilet for a few minutes, wishing I could throw up, but hoping I wouldn't. Right then I felt pretty bad for making fun of the people that threw up after working out on The Biggest Loser's first season (the only season I've watched.) I really felt like an idiot. And the sweat! I had no idea I had that much sweat producing capability. Wow. I called Tater to tell her that it wasn't just theatrics for the sake of the show, that working out can really make you puke and she laughed and then she said she was proud of me and that I'd get up and work out tomorrow and it would hurt, but it would be worth it. I replied with something snarky about becoming anorexic because I felt pretty sure this wasn't my only trip to empty the contents of my stomach after working out. Then I had to hang up because I needed to throw up again.

After the second hurl, I called Queen Tammy. She was so sympathetic and told me to take a cool shower. I nearly cried on the phone to her. I am such a baby. But I got in the shower and after that and felt somewhat better. Not 100%, but better than before.

I've pretty much stayed moving all day. In fact, I'm typing this while standing up and doing a variation of step, tap with a stretch thrown in for good measure. I won't sleep tonight, either - if I stop moving, I will start hurting.

And I will attempt to repeat this process tomorrow, but hopefully with not so much puking.

9 comments:

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

And you are doing this why?
I went to a real gym with weights and all those gizmos. For over a year. Then they closed for remodeling. I hever went back.
So now I can only carry one 40 lb bag of dog food.
Who cares? I may take up smoking next year.

Lori - Queen of Dirty Laundry said...

Oh honey, I am laughing my ass off, but with you, not at you. Keep up the good work, and I might just be inspired to join you.

Betty said...

Oh, my. After I read your blog, I had to lie down and take a nap. It wore me out, just reading it. I'm glad I gave up exercising when I did.

Mrs. E said...

I promised myself that I would not go to bed until I had walked 30 minutes on the air walker. I did it. I will regret it tomorrow.

Never, ever, ever try one of those exercise videos all the way through even if they say beginner.
There are beginners then there are those of us who were beginners long ago but quit and began again and again. We know to only do the warm up part of the video for the first few months. Only after that should you add more. My suggestion
is to only add one new one a day after getting the warm up down pat. What's the rush? You will eventually get into shape or not, and the important thing to take into consideration is that you haven't killed yourself while succeeding or failing.

I'll keep trying if you will. Deal? Deal!!!

Sam said...

You are my idol.

Kelly said...

You rock...I think I'd not be doing that again tomorrow...

Cazzie!!! said...

Yes, I have the same dvd, love it muchly, Bob sets my heart rate high instantly!!!

http://idontdomornings.blogspot.com/2006/09/and-beat-goes-on_05.html

Mean Teacher said...

Good luck with that. It does get easier, but I've been working out for a while and have GAINED two pounds.

mamabeck said...

I hear you, RedneckDiva! Bob kicks my hiney!

Found you today through blogOklahoma...I'm a displaced Okie...far, far from home...But I CAN attest to the fact that there ARE Redneck Germans, now! ;)

Snickering,
b