Saturday, June 02, 2007


For the most part, my three kids get along pretty well. There are days that I think they'd rather have their toenails ripped off than speak nice to their brother/sister, but there are more days that they don't scream at each other the entire day. And to a parent - especially one that is home with them every. single. day - those days are gold.

Mom took Abby with her last night to sleep over and then "work" at an auction today. Mom cashiers auctions for a local auction company. The owners just happen to be Paul's aunt and uncle. Abby has worked for them before, running tickets back and forth between Aunt Sharon and her Grammy. Sometimes she gets paid, sometimes she doesn't, but regardless, she loves doing the job. So Ab's been gone since about 5 yesterday evening, leaving Sam and Kady here to entertain each other.

Sam is an 8 year old boy and is therefore one of the most annoying, crude organisms on the planet.

Kady is a 5 year old princess who I fear has dreams of being a pole dancer when she grows up.

For the most part they have gotten along. In fact, I've had to get onto them for getting too rowdy when they play so well together. I guess because Abby isn't here to boss them into submission before they get into trouble, they don't realize they are crossing a line. The line that causes the veins to pop out in my neck and me to talk with my jaws clenched.

Here are some of the phrases/exclamations I've heard in the past 22 hours:

"Mommmmmm!!!! Sam called his .... his.....thing a WEINER SCHNITZEL! Isn't that wrong?"
"Dude. I smell like sweat. Here. Smell."
"Hey, let's see how loud we can scream! (Screaming ensues) Cool. The dog howled! Let's do it again!"
"Ooh gross, don't call it a "cooter." There has to be a better name than that."
"But, Bubby, that's what I've always called it! I don't know what else to call it!"
" could call it the dirty name...."
(At that point I stepped around the corner to ask him just exactly what was the dirty word for a cooter."
His reply: "A vagina."
"Okay, now it's YOUR turn to get inside the sleeping bag and let me see which body part I can hit with my pirate sword."
"I call my penis my 'hot dog' and my sack 'my buns.'"
"Son, I so did not care to hear that. And what is the preoccupation with your 'nads anyway?"
"Uhhhh....they're cool?"
"Kady if you don't quit dancing like that, people are going to call you a hoochie. In fact, Mom already does."
"Mom, what's a hoochie? Bubby keeps calling me that. Can you spank him?"

I honestly don't understand the obsessive need to talk about penises and other parts of our "private body", but I guess it's normal. I can remember giggling when my boy cousins talked about their "weiners" and "peepers" when we were kids. I didn't understand it then, I don't understand it now.

I also don't understand my 5 year old's obsessive need to dance like someone with the stage name "Princess Kitty" who has singles crammed into her very non-sensible underpants every night by horny businessmen.

I used to get onto Abby for being so bossy, but it seems that my 10 year old keeps the younger kids in line better than me. I never noticed my filthy mouthed son and pole dancing daughter being so obnoxious until she was gone.


Going Like Sixty said...

Very very funny. You have a new fan!
Our daughter used to hang from the swing set and draw up her legs and say she was doing "crotch ticklers." It wasn't until we saw her very red face that we realized she had discovered a new pleasure from her swing set!

Anonymous said...

Oh enjoy these crazy wonderful years, they go by in a blink of an eye! Thanks for the good laugh, keep up the wonderful work bloggin'

Carrie said...

Oh my! I love the "names" they come up with. When I was a kid, it was a hoo-hoo or hoo-ha for a girl and a "doobie" for a boy. Wow!

Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

Weiner schnitzel? I can see that your children are very... cultured!

We used to call them everything from weiners to dingalings. A friend of mine called them "wang dang doodles" until she became a nurse, referred to a patient's "wang dang doodle" while inserting a catheter, and was reprimanded.

I think it's normal for kids to be obsessed with weiner schnitzels and wang dang doodles. I also think it's a sign he's not gay.

Cazzie!!! said...

I hear ya. My 10 year old keps the other three in check for sure! Also, have you got like a camera or a microphone bug here in my house? I swear I have heard these very phrases come out of the mouths of my children!
Some mother's do have them..and we certainly I am off to play with my 4yr old :)

Queen Of Cheese said...

Now you see why we have so many older cousins over to entertain our children! Except they learn new words for the private areas, it's a win/lose situation.

Marshamarshamarsha said...

Hilarious! My girl is 8 and my boy is not quite 4. The boy seems a little obsessed about his thing too. He told me the other day that he had two nuts with his weewee. I dang near peed myself.

WHIP's said...

Girls have hoo-hoos or tweeters. My yorkie never leaves my lap and is referred to as the 'tweeter heater'. Boys have danglers.

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...