Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Headlines

A Rash to End All Rashes - Thursday morning Abby Diva broke out in a mysterious rash from head to belly-button. Her mother, Redneck Diva, gave her Benadryl and told her to quit scratching. However, by Sunday, the child's face was swollen and her mother says, "She looked like she'd been drug across the carpet for an hour or two." The decision was made to take her to the doctor the next morning. Redneck Diva stated, "I normally don't get too upset over a rash, but she's supposed to go to church camp tomorrow." The blessed doctor, known to the Diva children as "Dr. David" examined the child and diagnosed her with "Pityriasis rosea," a viral rash that will clear on its own, without treatment, in 4-6 weeks. He also sent the child to church camp with a statement declaring her to be okay to camp and not contagious.

WWIII Commences in Diva Household - What do you get when you mix one overly tired husband and one hormonally challenged wife who have no air conditioning in their house? You get a big fight and that's just what occured last Friday evening. Tears, loud talking, callous remarks about "your momma" and other nasty remarks were made. The youngest Diva child, the one called "The Colorer," was working overtime coloring pictures en masse for her mother who was very near hysterics and spousal homicide. The liaison, DivaMom, however showed up to make a generous offer of one window air conditioning unit and the End Of The World was avoided.

Air Conditioning Placed on Endangered Species List - Saturday morning, Redneck Diva and her generous mother, made plans to go air conditioner shopping. Before DivaMom's arrival, RD and her children, removed the middle seat from the Astro in preparation of loading one gigantic air conditioner into it. All seemed to be going well until everyone boarded the van, preparing to embark on their journey. It was then that Redneck Diva discovered that the air conditioner in her van did not work. She was seen banging her head on the steering wheel and holding back sobs. Once again, though, DivaMom made the moment better by immediately rolling down the windows and saying, "Look kids! Let's mess up Mommy's hair by driving with the windows down!" Giggles and a windy shopping excursion followed.

Knocked Up Even Better the Second Time - Redneck Diva and her husband, Paul, saw the movie Knocked Up on Saturday night. After the movie, they took advantage of McDonald's 24-hour drive-thru and shook their gray heads at the cars full of squealing, screaming teenage girls and vowed to never let their daughters out of their sight ever.

25,000 BTUs Make For a Happy Family - Paul Diva spent the better part of his Father's Day installing the new air conditioner in the dining room window of the Diva Ranch's main house. Within 2 hours of pressing the "On" button, the family was quite happily covered up in blankets while watching a movie while the thermometer in the house read a chilly 73'.

Job Hunting Begins Soon - Monday evening, around 5pm, Redneck Diva found herself unexpectedly unemployed when the final charge in the once thriving "Diva Daycare" exited for the last time. "I wasn't planning to be living the unemployed life until mid-July," she said. When asked what she plans to do with the rest of her summer, she replied, "Find a job. And take lots of naps. And spend a lot of time removing every baby toy from my house."

GARAGE SALE - FOR SALE - CHEAP! Lots of baby toys, one high chair, one booster seat with dried spaghetti-o's on the side, miscellaneous bibs and baby spoons. 7-3. NO EARLY SALES

Kitten Goes Clunk - Redneck Diva, owner of a very pitiful Astro Van, should've learned her lesson the first two times it happened. She learned the hard way that when there are small kittens residing on your property you should always thump on the hood of the vehicle before starting the engine. If you don't, you hear a sound that almost always induces nausea in adults and sometimes tears from small children. During the winter, the engine of a vehicle provides warmth for outdoor pets, but in the summer, the engine also provides a cool place to escape from harsh Oklahoma temps. This knowledge should be remembered because upon starting the engine, if a kitten is taking a cat nap in the fan housing, they will exit Dreamland and go straight on to Cat Heaven.

Baptists Dancing? - "Church camp isn't what it used to be," was the comment made by Redneck Diva after visiting her eldest child at camp this evening. "Back when I was a kid, Southern Baptists feared immediate entrance to Hell if they were caught clapping during a church service. Tonight, those kids danced during the service!" Redneck Diva was also heard saying that there might be hope for Baptists yet.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank God Your Back!
Feared the worst. (floods washing away the house, that sorta thing) have really missed ya!
Hubby fights suck
The heat suck!
Vehicles suck!
You rock!
Dana

Elizabeth said...

This morning (noon) I awoke to the screeching-changing-clunking sound of...my A/C. I phoned the trusty A/C dude to request the usual service call and freeon top off, but instead was told I have bad coils. I was momentarily insulted until he pointed to the, admittedly, pathetic looking coils and announced the whole generations was bad. Gee, it warms my heart and takes a bit of the sting from the $1200 bill to know that not only did I have bad coils, but everyone who bought coils between 90'-96 got hosed. There's a name for that, right? RECALL. Recall the generation of bad coils and replace them for free, I don't wanna spend $1200...but then I don't wanna die a horribly smelly death in Oklahoma heat either. Got room for three extra people two dogs and a cat?

MrsCoach2U said...

Mr.Coach is currently in Arkansas putting heat & air in peoples homes, his licenese is still good and the pay is great so I packed his bags and he's working away...

Bryce has a rash too, except our Dr. said it was hives from burning trees and leaves at the lake. It's probably the same thing.

Grace said...

Ugh - As a fellow Okie who has lived through both car and house without air conditioner at the same time - you have my deepest sympathies!!

Lori - Queen of Dirty Laundry said...

I love it when you do the Headlines! Great post!

Hope WWIII was ended with a truce?

Hillbilly Mom said...

A rash for 4-6 weeks? I don't know about you, but around here, we would rename her 'Rashy' and declare her to be the non-celebrity cousin of Itchy and Scratchy.