Monday, October 10, 2005

Moon over Miami

As I mentioned in the last post, Mr. Diva had gone a'cuttin' wood yesterday morning. The plan had been from the beginning that he would fell the tree and me and the young'ns would come out and load it onto the trailer, then help stack it up here by the house.

So after the drama of the flaming laundry, I was eager to get out across the field and enjoy the sunshine and coolish weather. So Kady and I hopped on one four-wheeler, the other two kids got on the other and off we went, once Mr. Diva radioed in that he was ready for us.

That 3 year old of mine is a worker! She looked so cute in her lace-up ropers, Wranglers (hand me downs from Bubby, but she loves them so much!) and Disney Princess turtleneck, complete with belt and bead necklaces and bracelets declaring her Princess-hood, hair all up in a bow. That kid knows how to do manual labor - with style. Abby is stout, even if she is built like Olive Oyl. Both girls jumped right to work, really working up a sweat. Sam, however, stood over by the tractor and whined that he was hot, he was tired, he was thirsty, he was hungry. (His daddy does not tolerate laziness and I kept trying to give the kid the skunk-eye to keep him out of trouble, but to no avail. Oh the lecture he got! 7 year olds don't understand words like "work ethic", but I think he got the idea that his daddy was not real happy with him.) I went to work throwing the big logs out into the clearing so the kids (girls) could get to them easier.

Once the trailer was full, we rode back up here to the house and stacked the wood against the wall under the carport. Again, Sam whined and Mr. Diva lectured. Again, us girls worked our tails off. What was left in the clearing by then were ginormous trunk pieces that had to be split, so Mr. Diva said I could drive the tractor and trailer back while he pulled the splitter with the four-wheeler.

I hate driving that stupid tractor. I like speed and speed the tractor does not have. Even opened up all the way I feel like I'm crawling. I prefer the wind in my hair, bugs in my teeth kind of driving, not so slow that butterflies will light on you. (It has happened.) So I drove the tractor to the clearing with the kids on the trailer and Mr. Diva caught up with us pretty quick.

He had just gotten going with the splitting and the kids and I were caught up. So I was watching Kady climb on the tractor and Sam whine when suddenly I felt something crawling up my leg. Something scratchy with lots of legs and more than likely long, poisonous fangs. So I kind of squealed and batted at the poisonous critter through my pant leg. This stopped the crawling. I shook my leg, hoping that a now dead poisonous creature would fall out my pants cuff and all would be well once more. Nothing fell out, but nothing was climbing again so I was okay.

Then I felt the crawling and climbing up higher. Like behind my knee. This time it was no little squeal, but a full-fledged scream - "AYYYYIIIIIIII THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY PANTS!!!!!!!!!!" Complete with the furious smacking of my leg, jumping around in circles and much cursing. All three kids were stock still, staring at their mother who had obviously gone quite mad. Mr. Diva even stopped splitting wood and stared. The climbing would not stop and I was in a state of utter panic, so I did what any normal person with a poisonous critter in their pants would do

I dropped my laundry.

I couldn't get them unbuttoned and unzipped fast enough. Granted, we were out in the corner of the 40, but still anyone driving by would've seen my blue and white flowered panties if they had just looked to the north. The kids were cackling by this point and Mr. Diva didn't say a word, just nodded back behind me. A quick look behind me and I discovered the neighbor's grain truck just across the fence line. "Screw him. If he sees, he sees. THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY PANTS!"

I never found the pant intruder. He either flew out when my pants hit my ankles or a particularly well-executed jump sent him out the cuff. I inspected my leg for fang marks, but so far have found none. I keep checking. One can never be too careful.

I saw our neighbor drive by today. He waved a little bigger than usual. Maybe it was just my imagination. Or maybe he just liked the way I danced.


Hillbilly Mom said...

Good gracious! The excuses SOME people come up with for exposing themselves!!!
This is when I tell my students, "I could have gotten through the day without THAT image in my mind!" It falls into the TMI (Too Much Information) category.

On the other hand, it makes for good blog reading. At least YOU can drive the tractor. I won't even get on ours.

I asked HH what might happen if someone reached into an electrical socket and the breaker for the dryer wasn't off. "They could get electrocuted." Then he looked at me funny, like I was making plans. Hey, I'm not the one who watches those 'How to Murder Your Wife' shows on CourtTV.

Redneck Diva said...

HillbillyMom-The way Dad explained it to me is that being electrocuted by 220 is actually better than 110 because its more likely to knock you off, whereas 110 takes hold and keeps you there. Pleasant thought, eh? It's a wonder someone wasn't really hurt yesterday. Yeesh.

I don't drive that tractor unless I absolutely have to. It's just not fun.

Queen Of Cheese said...

I hate to drive the tractor too, good thing my father-in-law only let me ONCE! I'm now banned from the tractor, probably not from bad driving but because I actually hit the damned thing with my car!

Carmel said...

I'll bet your neighbor would have dropped his pants in a heart beat if some poisonous mult-legged creature was crawling up his leg.

I'm envious. I've never driven a tractor, and don't know anyone who owns one so that I could try. Does a riding lawnmower count? I think hubby has convinced me we need one now that we have this corner lot.

Irish Divinity said...

Is there ever a dull moment at your house? You crack me up!!! My first inclination was to drop those drawers!I wouldn't have waited on the thing to crawl a second time!!!

Shannon said...

I would have dropped them too! FAST! I would like to drive one of those big airconditioned tractors! With a cd player. Reminds me of Pauly Shore singing "Thank God I'm a Country boy"
I guess thats kinda like I like to go camping with an airconditioner and bathroom. :)

Redneck Diva said...

Mrs.Coach-You hit a tractor with your car? Now, I realize not all tractors are the same, but I know ours goes pretty slow - could you not avoid a slow-moving vehicle?

Cissy-I'm not sure the neighbor would've dropped his drawers - he's a pretty tough ol' coot.

Girl, you come up here any ol' time and I will turn you loose on Mr. Diva's tractor in the 40. Then when you get your fill of that, we'll break out the four-wheelers and I'll show you how it's done!

Divinity-No. There is NEVER a dull moment at my house. I'd be scared if there was! Besides, what would I blog about?

Onyx-Thanks!! I'm glad I crack you up and make you smile! That's my total intention. Please don't be a stranger!

Andi-Aww, thanks! I'd love to be a professional, paid, living high on the hog kind of writer someday! Maybe when I grow up, lol.

So what kind of book? Lots of mystery, intrigue and steamy sex scenes where I can write things like "turgid member"? Because if that's the case I am SO in!

Queen Of Cheese said...

The damned tractor wasn't even moving, it was sitting still with no one on it. FIL parked it in my usuall back-up turn-around space and I didn't look, just backed up and WHAM hit the tractor!!!!!

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...