Sunday, October 16, 2005

How many events can one family participate in in a single weekend?

Well, I'm not sure there's a world record or anything, but I think the Diva family tried really hard this weekend.

Of course, Friday was Sam's special day, complete with his own personal meltdown at 9pm. Saturday morning the three children in my care were up at 5am. I managed to stay on the couch in a semi-conscious state until 7ish. Then it was up and at 'em. Breakfast for the kids and myself and Paul, although he declined to eat with us because sleep seemed more important at the time. I threw Kady in the shower with me because we were running short on time. Ya know, I've had my ladybug tattoo since 2001 yet she still had to ask why it doesn't come off in the shower.

I loaded up the munchkins into my van and headed off to town to pick up the girls from Jen. They were at the soccer field, so I drove out there, found them and loaded up one moderately happy girl and one very, very angry girl. TotOne was SO not happy about having to leave! It was her first real life, non-family slumber party and she was having too good of a time! Then I drove Miss Pouty Pants and her brother to Mom's house (TaterCentral for the time being) and dropped them off. With 6 minutes to spare, I flew across town to the salon for a haircut. Normally the place is pretty quiet, sometimes I'm the only person there, but that day it was so crowded my kids had to sit in the floor. But I got my hairs cut and that was all I cared about.

After that, I drove over to Mr. Ed's Barbershop. He's an actual man, not a horse, btw. Larry's barbershop was closed and Sam was bordering on a Beatles' tribute 'do, so we had to get a haircut for him. Paul was threatening to break out the clippers and I have seen what that man does with those things. It's just not pretty. We sat for what seemed like an eternity and watched Disney shows on a very staticky TV until it was finally Sam's turn. It's not the best haircut Sam's ever had, but it'll do. He's not a junior mop-top anymore and that's what matters. Plus, the guy sprayed my son's head rather heavily with AquaNet hairspray. Oh, that did NOT make the child happy! He's used to his barber, Nick, putting gel and "glue" on his hair, not spray!

By the time we left there my hair had totally dried. It was rather embarrassing, but the barbershop closed at noon and I didn't have time to waste. Upon leaving the barbershop Ab asked where we were going next. I told her that we had to go to Gram's so I could fix my hair. She goes, "Whew. I'm glad you're going to do that. Your hair is some kinda funky right now." Gee thanks, sweetie.

I fixed my hair while Sis showered and got ready, then I stole some blue and gold ribbons from TotOne's ribbon box for Kady's hair. She had to have dogears to complement her cheerleader outfit, which she was stoked about wearing in NEO's Homecoming parade. I braided Sis' hair and then we all loaded up into the Astro and headed for Sonic for food. I love Sonic food. (No, Hillbilly Mom, I didn't get a Cherry Diet Coke, but the regular Coke I had was simply wonderful. So were the jumbo popcorn chicken. Yummmm.) Paul met up with us at the Sonic and I gave him my last $20 so he could get gas. Diesel, I mean. Then he sped off toward downtown to find a nice shady spot on Main Street to await the parade.

Did I find a nice shady spot on Main Street to await the parade?

Oh no I did not. Instead I drove my Astro amidst throngs of band members, cheerleaders, Homecoming queen candidates, and various other spectators to where I had to drop Kady off for her first ever ride on a parade float. When we got to the float I saw Jill and a very tearful Chandler. The child, who had been anticipating the parade for a week, was now balking and refusing to board the viking boat and don a pirate hat. Kady had her viking wings on and she wanted Chan in a pirate hat (NEO was playing the Buccaneers), but he would have none of it. She even told him he was handsome in his blue shirt. I tried extolling the virtues of float riding. Nope, he wasn't buying. YaYa tried bribing him. Grammy even made an appearance and pleaded. Talk about reallllllllllly not wanting to ride on a float! It ended up that Jill had to ride with him. I'm not sure how thrilled she was about that, but she did it anyway. The things we do for our children.

After depositing KD, we walked back to the van (one block) and drove probably eight blocks to a parking lot and then walked two blocks to Main. We were all sweating. For October 15th, it was a very warm and sunny 86. Yeesh. Fall ain't what it used to be. Then, after the float went by I said it was time to go get Kady, but funny, no one was ready to leave. The kids were too busy getting candy thrown at them and Paul had found a shady spot. I ended up walking the three blocks to pick her up by myself. She was sweaty and tired and we were both so hot, but we walked the three blocks back to Main and sat out the rest of the parade. Then it was a two block trek back to the van. Sam wanted to ride home with his daddy, so the girls and I took Sis and the tots back to TaterCentral and then we headed home where I made everyone lie down for naps.

Abby was not thrilled, to say the least. The whining I heard from the top bunk was, "But I'm a THIRD GRADER! Third graders DO NOT take naps! I. AM. NINE. YEARS. OLD." I said, "Hon, the fact that you are bawling hysterically over not wanting to take a nap just lets me know even more that you need one. Now, go to sleep." Then I took a nap myself.

At 6:30 we were invaded by April and Jen's Brownie troop, who were at our place for a hayride/weenie roast. Oh my gosh, that was fun! Their girls painted pumpkins and roasted weenies, then while they were munching away happily on hot dogs and chips I told them the story of the "Hudson Creek Howler".

(Funny sidenote about the Hudson Creek Howler: Jen, who is a research fanatic, decided to look online for the legend of the Howler. She called me and asked if she had the name right because she couldn't find anything online. I nearly fell in the floor laughing as I told her that we made up the Howler to scare the kids on hayrides. So please, don't go Googling the HHH - he ain't there. Actually, I think a Google search will bring you right back here, lol.)

Then, when they were finished eating and wondering if there was some crazed man roaming the woods in which they were about to enter, my two oldest children and I excused ourselves to "go to bed." Kady wanted to stay with Miss Jennifer, so I told her that the hayride was going to be scary and she was okay because she has grown rather fond of Miss Jennifer as of late. Abby and Sam donned their black shirts and camouflage and we rounded up a sack of rocks and some flashlights and waited for the tractor to take off.

April's husband and Jen's husband were on one four-wheeler, the kids and I were on the other. Headlights off, we headed out across the field and beat the tractor to the road. We raced back into the woods and hid the four-wheelers. The guys and I discussed our plans and I felt like we were ya know, like buddies in the whole "scare the poo out of the girls" endeavor. The kids and I found a spot to hide and the men said they were going off directly across from us. We crawled back into our spot and waited for the tractor. Then we heard noises NOT directly across from us where they were supposed to be. My kids basically crawled up my legs!! I screamed, hollered an expletive and then yelled "GUYS! We are out here TOGETHER to work TOGETHER as a unified front. We have a COMMON CAUSE here! Quit trying to scare the crap out of us!" I'm sure they thought they were cute.

Then we heard the tractor and the girls squealing and giggling. We crawled back deeper into our hidey hole and readied our rocks to throw into the woods. As planned, Paul got the tractor into the clearing and then the tractor "died". Oh my GOSH, the screaming!! We broke limbs, stomped our feet, the men were using distressed animal calls and generally crashing about. But I think it was when Sam and I started howling that they got really scared. It was all I could do not to bust out laughing at their terror (I'm sick, I know), but when I heard my little Kady, my darling little not-quite-four-year-old, holler "I (hic) just (hic) MISS. MY. MOMMMMMMMAAAAAA!" that I had to really keep from going into momma bear mode and not run into the clearing to assure my baby that there really was no bad man out there.

I don't think there was a child on that trailer that wasn't crying. It was awesome. After Paul finally got the tractor running again and the trailer of sobbing girls pulled away, Sam was holding his belly and rolling around on the ground laughing hysterically. "Oh wow, what babies! Did you hear them all crying?" I said, "Yeah, and I guarantee you that if you had been on that trailer, little man, you'd have shed your fair share of tears yourself, so hush." Abby was holding onto the back of my shirt, nearly choking me. She had had her fill of being in the dark woods at night and I'm not sure she wasn't wondering if there really was a Howler.

We managed to beat the tractor back to the house and tried to be all innocent, but it didn't take the girls long to figure out it was us, especially after they realized the four-wheelers were hot.

After the girls left, I put the kids to bed (Actually Kady insisted in Miss Jennifer tucking her in) and Paul, April, Jen and I watched the new Amityville movie. Scary indeed. Jen says she's never watching a scary movie with me again EVER because I freaked her out with my facial expressions and mutterings. Hey, I like my scary movies, okay? She even made me get up to shut and lock the front door!! Then, of course, after the movie, we sat around and talked about our own personal haunted experiences, etc. After they left, Paul said that if he had know them better he'd have thrown something at them at a really tense part of the movie just to see how loud they'd scream. Heehee. We really are sadistic, aren't we?

All in all, it was a great weekend, just very, very busy. The kids all laid down again this afternoon to rest for awhile. Abby still protested, but not as long. I did relent and let her just read this time, though. She was more okay with that than an actual nap.

I'm not sure how much posting will be done this week by me. Thursday starts Fall Break and The Moving Of The Taters. When my daycare kids leave tomorrow, we're all heading down there to help - Paul will be sheetrocking and me painting. Then I'll send the kids home at 7 with him for bed and I'll stay as long as it takes to get ready for the texture to be blown on on Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday will just be painting (providing the texture is dry enough) and by Friday we'll be moving them in (providing the paint is dry enough). They hope to stay there by weekend's end.

It's sure to be a Fall Break we never forget. If I don't make it on here to post this week, y'all just have fun without me, but for the love of Pete, don't run with scissors or play with matches. I'm going to trust y'all to behave while I'm out running amuck.


~ A P R I L ~ said...

I'm telling you Saturday night was probably one of the funnest nights I've had in my life that didn't involve sex, alcohol or wd-40. You (and Mr. Diva) totally rock!!!

Queen Of Cheese said...

Hayrides are great. Our church does one every year and we have our own "ghosts". The men all go out to "spook" and play commando's on the dirt roads near the church. Our preachers kid almost got ran over last year when he laid down in the road thinking the truck coming was us, we were coming from the other way and were screaming our heads off for him to get up. He finally figured it out in time to roll into the ditch! Gotta love church!

jules said...

My mom used to take us to scary movies and then she'd make us young'uns go into the dark house to turn all the lights on before she would come in! You'll only warp them A LITTLE BIT. I mean...look how good I turned out!

Nancy Pants said...

LMAO!! First time for me to visit your blog... still laughin!! LOVE IT!! I will be back often...for sure

Redneck Diva said...

April-It was a hoot and a half! I'm afraid we went overboard on the scaring, though . . . poor kids.

Mrs.Coach-I think grownups like spooky hayrides more than kids! I know I had a blast scaring those poor kids!

Jules-I have been a scary movie FREAK since I was little. Abby's going to be just like me - the scarier and more frightening the better!! I agree with you - I don't think we warped 'em too much because, yeah, we turned out juuuuuust fine. *wink wink*

Nancy-I LOVE it when I get a LMAO from a first time reader! It lets me know I'm doing a good job. Thanks for stopping in and stop by often - there's always something going on.

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Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...