Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Inquiring minds want to know

Or maybe they don't. But I'm sharing anyway.

As usual, I'm stealing from Hillbilly Mom, because I like her and she's always got cool stuff on her blog and well, dadgummit I wanna be cool like her, is that so wrong?

So here are the last month's worth of keywords that got people to my webpage. Some are interesting and one is just gross. The gross one I'm leaving off because even my blog won't go that far.

28% got here from the word "redneck". Well duh.

8% found me from "redneck sayings". That's because of this post, I'm sure.

Another 8% came here by way of "redneck names." In my experience, redneck names are usually ones that include the middle name. Take for instance, a few of my relatives - Dana Jo, Cora Faye, Connie Mack (A guy actually. The ambulance driver in Westville, OK, years ago. He had some mighty nifty gold chains entertwined in his visible chest hair at the reunion where I met him.), Verna Lea and Julie Ruth. Then there are the stereotypical ones - Billy Bob, J Dub and Junior Lee. I don't recall writing about any redneck names recently.

4% came for "ugly women nekkid". I'm pretty, dammit! And I'm only half-nekkid once a week, anyway.

4% visited me by way of "kids colored plastic dresser". Strangely that one stemmed from the squishy thing that was lurking in my kitchen cabinet. Yeah, I'm confuzzled on that one, too.

4% wanted to know "diva define". Naturally they would come to me. I am the definition of diva. Sort of. I mean, I did stack wood day before yesterday in my bunny slippers. That's why they call me Redneck Diva.

All of the rest are 4% as well. Because I haven't had the stat counter very long, 4% is one visitor. I'm hoping that someday 4% is really closer to about a hundred or so. Wouldn't that be nice. Okay, where was I . . .

"rugrats all grown up porn" How that brought anyone to my site I'm still trying to figure out.

"diva" Again, this is only natural that I'd be in the results.

"weight loss - pills" Obviously from a rant about how the mean indian doctor won't give me any until I lose ten pounds all by myself. I still think that sucks. There's a doctor in town (of the non-indian variety) who will give them to anyone who walks through the door and asks. If only I had money, I'd ask.

"adult tinkerbell black sweaters" This is a combination of the post about winning an auction of a Little Black Sambo book, my TinkerBell bathroom and buying my kids winter clothes. Some of these searches are jacked up.

"fat lump on the back of the neck" My first thought was that maybe I'd posted about Sis telling me to "mind my hump, Granny" after we'd spent the day with Papa's former classmates, all of who had humps on the backs of their necks. We both have bad posture and we now tell each other to "mind our humps" when we catch the other one slouching. Granny Glenn had a hump to beat the band, God love her. But I didn't post anything about minding humps. Again, a twisted combination of gobbledygook.

"redneck cabin" We have an estate, not just simply a cabin. We are the Diva family, after all.

"80's redneck" Okay, so maybe the 80's called and want their redneck back, I dunno . . what do you think, Tiff?

"left leg giving" I have no comment. It's even too off the wall for me.

"definition hairy girl videos" At first this distressed me until I realized it's a combination of The Country Bears, Veggie Tales and ZZ Top. Combine, mix for 2 minutes on medium speed, pour into greased 9x13 pan.

"plans for hillbilly golf" Now, those are some plans even I'd like to see. Hillbilly Mom, you ever played?

"redneck big johnson shirts" Nope, none here. We limit ourselves to Eskimo Joe's t-shirts (I have 7 of them, you know, and Mr. Diva has 4. We like us some cheese fries, yes we do.) and Orange County Choppers around the Diva place. Nope, no Big Johnsons here. Just cheese fries.


Hillbilly Mom said...

Hmmm...I find the most disturbing to be the "adult tinkerbell black sweater" and the "fat lump on the back of the neck." I don't think I've played hillbilly golf, unless the Branson Pirates Cove Mini-Golf counts.

I'm surprised I haven't seen one of our students wearing a "big johnson" T-shirt.
The "I have a big package for you" Santa shirt was bad enough.

Oh, and I used to get called by my first and middle names all through childhood. My aunt who works with me still does it, echoing down the hall:
"Hey, Hillbilly Mom Sue!" She just does it to get my goat. No, I don't really have a goat that she wants, it's just an expression. And the "Sue" part is just plain wrong. I am an adult now, gosh darn it!

Redneck Diva said...

HillbillyMom-Okay, so you found the TinkerBell sweater one disturbing, too! Whew!! Thought it was just me.

It really sucks that the ol' hump on the neck thing appears to be hereditary. Darn you, Granny Glenn! God rest your humpy little Mormon soul.

Mr. Diva would SO wear the "big package" shirt at Christmas time. Let's just keep the existence of such a shirt our little secret.

My mother is Verna Lea to the real hillbilly side of the family. And even though Tater's' middle name is Deniece, they all called her Heather D. But me, they always called me "Verna's other girl". Wha? What'd I do to make them think I didn't deserve a middle name greeting as well?? They'd all be so proud to know I've turned out pretty redneck. I guess I was more diva in my younger days.

KarbonKountyMoos said...

Hey "Verna's other girl" - it looks like you've lost all the snake seekers.

Thank goodness.

Sam said...

Uh... shouldn't Mr. Diva have a big johnson?

Redneck Diva said...

Moos-It's about time, huh.

Sam-"Should" and "does" are two different things, now aren't they?


Redneck Diva said...

Okay, now I feel like I should clarify -

Mr. Diva's johnson is just fine. I was being catty. I hereby declare, for purposes unbeknownst to me now but could very likely come back to bite me in the ass at a later time, Mr. Diva's johnson to be of ample and pleasing size, shape, form and function.

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