Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Broccoli burps

Bleh. We ate Chinese again tonight, only this week we did it before karate instead of afterwards. So that left me lots more time to experience my body slowly dehydrating and my skin turning into the texture of a raisin. I love Chinese food, but my gosh it makes me thirsty.

And that broccoli whatever it was I ate was a big mistake.


I bought some new shirts at Old Navy over the weekend. When I went shopping with Cousin Stacey the weekend before I bought a Halloween shirt and even though it's a little snugger than I normally wear my shirts, it wasn't vulgar and I actually got felt up by my husband the entire day I wore it. He said it made my ta-tas look big. Yes, that's actually what he said.

So the two shirts I bought are the same size as the Halloween shirt, just long sleeved and v-neck. This morning I decided to wear the black one. Omg, I felt like I was wearing shrink wrap!!! Talk about snug. Oh my gosh, it was snug. I tried to pull it out away from me, ya know, stretch it a little, but oh no, the spandex in it kept it nice and tight. I decided that I'll more than likely wear them to sleep in unless I decide to ever get serious again about the the whole weight loss thing. But then, if I sleep in them and it creeps up and gets around my neck I'm liable to be choked.

Tonight while the boys were doing karate, Sis and Melissa and I were talking and the subject of clothes came up. I mentioned the horrible Old Navy shrink-wrap I'd bought and have already washed and am now the not-so-proud owner of. I said, "Oh it was just vulgar! I had curves here and here - curves I didn't know I had! I was just positively spilling out of that thing!" Melissa and Sis exchanged knowing looks and Melissa said, "Kristin, if you have curves in strange places, they are not really curves - they are fat rolls." Heather chimed in, "Yeah. Sorry to break that one to ya. While you might be curvy, what you were experiencing were not true curves." That's brutally honest friendship right there, people.


Tonight in Wal*Mart my children went bezerk. T-total, haywire, off the charts, wound for sound, beyond reason INSANE. Sis' kids did, too. While I was bra shopping they were all five holding bras up to their chests and going "Ooh looky at meeeeee - I have big booobieeeeeesssss!" and then would cackle hysterically. We considered just walking off and leaving them, but when we tried they followed us.

I have mentioned before to y'all about how I've broken the underwires in both of my white bras, leaving me wearing only dark-colored shirts until I find a new white bra. Well, the nearest Lane Bryants are in Tulsa and Springfield and the bras are also $32.50, so eh, not happening. I hit the bra aisle at W*M tonight and I must say, I am so spoiled to my fancy, schmancy, made for fat chicks bras. I wear a demi cup, which Sis says is obscene and perilous close to nipple exposure, but what can I say, I like my girls to breathe. Well, W*M doesn't carry a demi cup in the fat chick bra section. I ended up buying one that, while it isn't a demi cup, looks better than the turtle neck bras I was terrified of and will probably have nightmares about tonight. I'll keep you posted. I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seats until I do.


Driving by the Coleman Theatre tonight the marquee said MYSTERY TOURS. That means that every weekend from now until they stop doing them my sister and I will be forking over $5 at every opportunity to experience all that there is to the haunted theatre. We do it every year and every year it's freaking awesome. Dad said he'd like to go with us this year, but Sis will only let him if he keeps his mouth shut and doesn't try to analyze everything we see/hear/feel/experience. I'm not sure he can. We shall see. I am so stoked about going I can hardly stand it!! I've invited Hillbilly Mom before to come down and go through it with us, but she made up some excuse about living like, 5 hours away and blah blah blah, yada yada yada. Every party has a pooper, Hillbilly Mom. You know that, right?


Oh yeah, forgot to mention that yesterday morning Sam had the most gruesome nosebleed ever! It was horrific and his room looked like a crime scene when it was all said and done. So that means that since Wednesday of last week I've been peed on, pooped on, puked on and now bled on. If I could find a baby to deliver and maybe someone in need of CPR, I'm pretty sure I could get my medical license and open up a practice.


Hillbilly Mom said...

Wouldn't you like to be a pooper too? Sing that to the old Dr. Pepper song. Oh, you say you're not as incredibly old as I am and can't remember it? Pooper!

I would actually like to go on the Coleman mystery tour--if it was next door to me. My Hillbilly Husband is going to Germany next week, so a-haunting I won't go. Thanks for the invite, though. $5 huh? You can't beat that with a stick! Why, that's less than one-sixth of a bra!

We don't have anything scary up here, unless you count my screeching kids. We have an old lead mine, but it's not open for tours. It sure looks spooky, though. Maybe I'll post a picture of it if my personal photographer can fit it into his busy schedule.

Queen Of Cheese said...

I wanna go on the Coleman tour with you. Mr. Coach doesn't do spooky, seems to get enough creeps at school.

Don't even go there on the bra thing, I have to buy mine at VS and they bring them from the BACK so they don't scare little kids hanging on the walls.

Nosebleed huh? Bryce gets those and they are usually pretty bad. If he doesn't bleed all the way down to his underwear, he's not had a bad one. He still freaks out about them, he's had them for years!

Derek Knight said...

eating Chinese food BEFORE karate is certainly the way to go. That way, when you're in the middle of all of the "hi-yaa" and the "wax-on/wax-off" stuff, you'll be all puffed up with Chi and ready to kick some major ass, Chinese-style.

Also: you'll feel slightly bloated and way thristy, like you mentioned.

I had Chinese last night! I LOVE CHINESE FOOD!

I'm bloated today. More so than normal, even.

Anonymous said...

Hiya RedneckDiva!

Fellow Okie here, just got the internet again yesterday and was lookin' for interesting stuff on the web...came across your blog, and you and I have sooo much in common! I have just spent the better of the last two hours or so reading all the entries on the main page, and I've been thoroughly entertained! Loved, loved, LOVED the story of the mosquito-bitten penis! Poor lil thing!

Just wanted to let you know I bookmarked your blog so I can return to read more of your adventures. :) BTW I know exactly where "Miamuh" is, and Gretchen Wilson's "Redneck Woman" is somewhat of an anthem for me!

Redneck Diva said...

HillbillyMom-OF COURSE I remember the Dr. Pepper song!!

I hadn't thought of it in bra cost terms. That's a pretty good deal! Or I could just not go on the tour all month and buy myself a new bra . . . that would be the more responsible decision. I doubt I give up the tour. I love a good scare.

Lead mines are scary, but only from an environmental quality standpoint.

Andi-Girl, you have NEVER had those special curves! You've always had the good kind!

W*M bras SUCK ass. I rassled this one all day, took it off for the better part of the afternoon, but put it back on before parents started arriving, lol. My cousin from NC actually called me today to tell me she is going to Lane Bryant tomorrow and would gladly pick up a bra there and ship it to me. I'm seriously considering it after today.

Derek-It's my son and nephew that take karate, not me. And all they eat off the buffet is mac and cheese, french fries and shrimp. So I'm not sure how much Chi they got from that. And since I just sit and hen party with the other moms during class, being full of Chi and broccoli beef doesn't really do me much good. Plus they take Japanese karate anyway. But it was a good thought anyway - way to go, buddy!

Chinese food in and of itself rocks. I don't think I could eat it every day - my body couldn't handle that much MSG - but I could certainly eat it twice a week easy. Mr. Diva HATES Chinese, so I have to rely on the kindness of family members to escort me.

Kbear-Hey yourself!! Okies always welcome here at Ramblings! I'm so glad you bookmarked me and hope you become a downright regular!

I was never so glad as when they took the pronunciation off of the town at the city limits. It just looked awful -


Made us look like a city full of retards.

Anonymous said...

LOL @ that sign! I know what one you're talkin' about..hubby is a truck driver and used to drive long haul, now drives local. I rode with him and we must have passed that sign hundreds of times. Gotta admit, tho, until I saw that sign I had no idea Miami was pronounced that way!

I do plan on being a regular now, like I said...we have a LOT of stuff in common. Casinos being one of them! I'll send you an email soon and tell you more about myself. 'Til then, Happy Rambling!

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