Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ooh looky, it's Wednesday

My gosh, where has the day gone? It's already 4:19 and I have accomplished very little. I did manage a nap, though, so the day isn't a total wash. What is up with me and the naps lately? I thought spring was supposed to give us all energy! Oh yeah, now I remember why - MY ALLERGIES ARE KILLING ME. I feel like I've sucked chlorine water up my nose all the time, my eyes itch so badly that even gouging them out with unsharpened pencils wouldn't fix them and oh the snot. The copious amount of snot. I went outside today to pet my wonderful, faithful, protective wonder dog, Jake, who is completely black and discovered my dog to be green-tinted. You know how your car will get that yellowygreen haze on it in the spring? Well, my dog has that haze on him, bless his heart.

Speaking of my wonderful dog - gotta share this one. We got our income tax return last week and it's just sitting there in checkbook waiting to be spent. Was going to completely pay off that Discover card, but husband has a huge plan for the playhouse to beat all playhouses so the money has continued to sit awhile till he tells me the final damages. But I digress. Okay, so since the money was just sitting there and I already know that the Discover card isn't getting paid off, I decided to call the septic tank people and have them work their magic. I've only been having this problem since the day before Christmas Eve, so I figure it's about time. I am forever Pavlovian conditioned to jump up from whatever I am doing when I hear the washing machine begin to drain and make a mad sprint to the utility room where I skid in and smash the button in to turn it off before it sprays water everywhere. I really am trained to do this. I did it at Mom's last week. She thought I had lost my ever-lovin' mind. Anyway, boy I'm just jumping all over the place today. (Stacey, think it might be ADD?) Okay, so I called the septic place and she said she could have someone there at 11. Whoohoo! I'm thinking. What service. I quick put on a bra, because well, I wasn't wearing one and didn't want to offend. Turns out, offending was the last thing I needed to worry about.

At 5 minutes till 11 the dog starts barking his "Hey, owner people! Someone is coming up your driveway!" bark. I went to the front door to call him back because he really does try to get his bluff in on strangers. The letter carrier is scared to death of him. The guy hollered out the window and asked if my dog bit. I said, "Well, he shouldn't. At least, he never has before!" and we all had a merry little laugh. Then the guy got out of the truck. Oh my gosh, he had just time-warped in from Woodstock, I swear. He was filthy, unshaven, greasy hair in his face and hanging down past his shoulders, NO TEETH and when I say "no teeth" I mean HE HAD NOT ONE TOOTH IN HIS HEAD, I'm pretty sure. He really did look like a hippie. But he was polite and hey, that carries weight with me.

I then walked around the side of the house to show him where the cleanout is. He started looking for the septic tank and I struck up a conversation. I told him what we were having trouble with and how the washing machine backs up constantly. He stopped what he was doing and started walking toward me in order to explain the inner working of the wonderful world of septic systems. As he got to me, he took off his glove. OBviously, he moved too quickly and Jake, completely out of the blue, jumped at him, teeth bared and we actually heard his jaws snap shut! The guy jumped, I jumped and yelled "JAKE!!!!" He immediately cowered down and slunked back away from the guy. I told him in my meanest voice to go lay down, which will usually make him do a wounded soldier crawl as far away as possible, but he would not go. He sat right beside me, his hackles up and growling softly. The guy goes, "Ma'am, I thought you said your dog didn't bite." I replied, "Yeah. Well, he's never done that before." I was mortified that my dog was showing such horrible behavior around company, just like when your kid says "Look at that fat lady, Mommy!" in the middle of Wal*Mart, within earshot of said fat lady. But at the same time I was thinking "Dude, my normally calm, yet protective, dog just about took this guy's arm off and now I am borderline scared." I offered to chain him up and the guy was more than grateful to have himself and his helper guy out of harm's way.

Now, at this point, part of me is thinking that by chaining up the dog we are saving ourselves from a lawsuit. But part of me is thinking that as soon as I chain up the dog the guy could possibly attack me and then I'd be up the creek. But really the guy seemed pretty harmless, he just smelled funny. I went in the house while he worked his septic magic and didn't see him again until he was done. Poor Jake sat there pouting but would I could hear him growl when the guy came to the front door. When the guy was safely down the road, I unchained Jake and proceded to pet and scratch and tell him what a wonderful puppy he was and thanked him for protecting me. He seemed proud and even tinkled a little. I think I'm forgiven.

But the washing machine still backs up. I'm screwed.

No comments:

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...