Monday, April 18, 2005

Little lessons

1. Babies should not eat wood chips. This makes babies cry. Not the actual eating of the wood chip - it's the taking away of the wood chip that makes them holler.

2. Babies do not like blogging. The screams emitting from the child's wide open maw right now are proof postive of that.

3. Babies are snot factories. Plain and simple. The big smear of green boogersnot on my left shoulder is testimony.

4. Babies like to eat Twister boxes. Two corners are oogey and wet now and the spinner board will never be the same.

5. Wood chips, glitter and dust bunnies stick to boogersnot smeared all over a baby's face. This just makes me realize what a horrible housekeeper I am. But you know, 3, 6 and 8 year olds don't rub their snotty faces in the carpet, therefore I didn't realize we had a wood chip, glitter and dust bunny problem.

6. Babies that cannot crawl still have an uncanny ability to scoot around until they get to where they want to be - ie, the Twister box, the fireplace and the video cabinet.

7. Formula burps smell really, really bad.

8. Babies find the movement of your fingers on the keyboard utterly fascinating. He's giggling like a loon now and blowing raspberries at me. I would blog all day if it would make him happy, but refer to #2 above - they do not blogging. He has just temporarily forgotten.

9. Even if they don't have teeth, when a baby grinds his little gums on the second knuckle of your thumb, it hurts like motherfucking hell.

10. I now remember why I got my hair cut off short when my children were about 6 months old. His chubby little slobber-laden fingers entwined in my tresses is pain, people. Pain, I say. It ceased to be fun before it got started.

11. My left boob has been pinched repeatedly for over an hour now and my shirt covering my left boob is covered in slobber. In another scenario, place and time, and with someone legal and over the age of 18, I would welcome this activity. Right now it's just damn annoying.

When your child outgrows baby-hood, you seemingly forget these lessons. Print out this list and post it in a conspicuous place. Feel free to add your own as necessary. I must go now - he has just remembered his loathing for all things blog.

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Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...