Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Wait'll she learns to spell

I was at the stove fixing dinner tonight and Kady was on the floor in the utility room in the doorway of the pantry. I figured she was arranging the potatoes into size order or turning all of the labels on the apple juice cans to the outside (As any obsessive/compulsive mother would expect). But I honestly wasn't paying that much attention. I could hear her babbling and jabbering to herself, but I didn't really hear what she was saying.

Then I was jerked back to reality by her repeated, "Momma? Momma! MOMMA!" I said, "What, honey?"

"Momma, what does S-C-H-M-I-R-N-O-F-F spell?"


"Because that's the name of my castle!"

I looked into my pantry and sure enough she had taken both bottles of vodka and the bottle of whiskey and had fashioned a pretty good castle-front. I guess Prince Jim Beam lived there.


Hillbilly Mom said...

I must know what has happened at the Diva home, because now your young 'un lies ON the floor! Any good redneck knows that we lie IN the floor. Has there been a warp in the space-time continuum? Has that spirit been acting up? Or has young Kady been acting up with the 'spirits'? What catastrophe has befallen the Diva clan to make y'all lie ON the floor like commoners, not like the blueblood rednecks that you are?

Cazzie!!! said...

And what about Sir Johnny Walker..the knight of all knights? LOL, Honestly...the kids have such an imagination.....now to go try get my 3yr old's tongue UNSTUCK from licking the ice in the freezer!!

Queen Of Cheese said...

Nati told her cousin the other day to not touch the Vodka bottle (right next to the Rice Krispies) because it was "Big People Juice" and if he drank it he would turn purple with orange spots and die". Now......where did she hear that?????

At least now I know one of my kids listens to me!

Irish Divinity said...

my sweet kady!!! Well at least you know you don't really need to buy that one toys, just keep your liquor shelf full!!! lol

Stewed Hamm said...

There's an image.

"I need a bottle of Schmirnoff... no a bigger one. It's for my three year-old."

Carmel said...

Hands down. She could win that spelling bee. Wait until she goes into your bedroom and says, what is T-R-O-J-...ah, the joys of being an adult and a parent.

Hillbilly Mom said...

You're back in the Cyberhouse, by cracky! Now get crackin', you've got an assignment! Check it out, Big Blogger cracked and let you back in. Get to typin' like a ferret on crack. Heh, heh.
I said 'crack'. A lot.

Anna said...

One word:


Stacie said...

I bet Diva Mom was so proud! LOL

Redneck Diva said...

Hillbilly Mom, usually all good rednecks lie IN the floor, but I guess that night, because of the liquor she was ON it.

Cazzie!!, Sir Johnny was our battling the evil dragon, Vermouth. Lady Schnapps' life was in peril!

Mrs. Coach, we usually call it "Mommy's pop".

Divinity, and we break out the crack pipe for her to play with on special occasions!

Stewed Hamm, yeah, you might've reached a new level of white trash behavior when you start thinkin' of the children when you enter the liquor store.

Cissy, once Abby found a condom wrapper on the floor beside the bed and asked what it was. Mr. Diva was red-faced and stammering. I just took it from her and said, "It's medicine. Grownup medicine." She shrugged and walked off. Of course, Mr. Diva took that opportunity to say in a sleazy voice, "Yeah, baby...and I'm the Pharmacist." IEW!

Anna, I knew if anyone would appreciate a story involving bottles of Schmirnoff fashioned into a castle of dreams, it'd be you. If you ever decide to have kids (and decide not to eat them) I am SO sending you a bottle of vodka as a shower gift.

Stacie, she nearly peed her pants laughing. Then she scolded me. She always has to play parent, doesn't she?

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...