Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Absolutely enormous panties

Sunday afternoon, Tater and I took off for Joplin to do some shopping. We went to the mall first because I'm switching Bath and Body Works fragrances and had two bags full of stuff to exchange. Then, the swimsuit I bought Abby was just a little too big in the boobage area and her "little buds" (as Tater calls them) were positively lost in a sea of pineapple printed ruffley spandex so I had to return it to Old Navy because that is the ONLY place I will buy my girls' swimsuits because the ones from Wal*Mart or Penney's just don't last. So after taking care of those tasks we then gave the children Dip'n Dots and cookies, which no sane parent should ever do just before taking four exhausted children to Lane Bryant. Ever.

Tater was having bra issues and I cannot speak highly enough about bras at Lane Bryant. For a fat chick, bras are serious business. Lane Bryant bras and panties are the only underwear I will wear. No ifs, ands or butts. (Get it? Butts?) I will give up ladies' night at the casino forever if that's what it takes to keep myself in comfy, reasonably pretty undergarments.

That being said, we proceded to hit the mother lode in that store. I got a pair of white capris with the new Tummy Tamer panel because, let's face it, my tummy is downright wild and the only way to tame it previously was with a bullwhip and a chair. Ohhhh but the taming of the tummy by way of spandex panel in front of pants? MARVELOUS!! And much less traumatic than the bullwhip and chair.

That day, all drawers in the store were buy one get one FREE so I put together another entire outfit, complete with kicky new headband. I did pass on the sandals because I need another pair of sandals like I need a bullwhip and a chair. But the new outfit? I'm rockin' it. Tater picked out a new outfit as well, trying on and successfully making work for her, a top that I had tried on mere weeks ago. The blouse is one of the new tunic-y looking things that so far I've never had any luck with wearing successfully. Plus, this one had smocking around the boob area and on the back side of me, opposite my "lovely lady lumps," I have some not-so-lovely lumps called "backfat." Smocking and backfat are mortal enemies. But Tater was workin' that outfit.

She came out of the dressing room and myself and two other women, complete strangers, all gasped in complete delight at the outfit. "Buy it!" exclaimed one. "Oh yes, honey, buy it," agreed the other. I just nodded and said, "Oh yeah, sister." But she wasn't sure, claiming that she had a "shelf" around the middle. I personally didn't see the shelf, but I knew what she was talking about, seeing as how I have not only a shelf, but a fully-stocked pantry of my own.

And that is when the Angel of Lane Bryant appeared seemingly out of nowhere and said, "Honey, if you are worried about a shelf, then you need our shapewear!" and then she raised her shirt to show us her spandex-clad belly - a belly so effectively encased in spandex that actual rays of light shone down from the heavens upon her belly and I'm telling you, I heard music.

All of us in the dressing area at the time drew in a collective breath of admiration and perplexity at the spandex she was showing us, then took Tater and I both by the arm and led us into a dressing room to show us her spandex in all its glory.

And to quote Daniel from Bridget Jones' Diary, those things "are absolutely enormous panties." They go from boobs to knees, and although I have no personal experience with them, I've heard they're like the bottom 3/4 of Mormon underwear. These puppies are body armor. They are impenetrable by man nor beast. They are truly enormous and all-encompassing. These are the mack daddy of all underwear.

Never in my life did I dream I would ever purchase a pair of such gigantic underwear. I wore a freakin' thong in my college days. The first college days. The "18-years-old-28-inch-waist" college days. Not these college days. I'd lose a thong now. Zap, that puppy'd be gone, never to be found again. But I asked the salesgirl, "Okay, so where does all the fat GO when you stuff it into spandex of this magnitude?" She said, "Well, it kind of pushes it all down here, so it's really not all that pretty to look at without clothes over it-" and I interrupted her with, "Sweetie, me naked is not at all pretty to look at anyway. I can handle squished fat. Hand me those absolutely enormous panties," and took them from her hands.

Tater turned white as the gal handed her a pair, too. Tater tried hers on and then decided not to purchase her own under-armor/chastity belt, saying that she just wasn't sure she could look at herself in the mirror with them on. Plus she said it was kind of hard to breathe.

I put mine up on the counter, whipped out my checkbook and said, "Ring me up, sister, before I lose my nerve." Tater looked at me incredulously and said, "You're buying them? What will Paul say? Are you going to wear them in front of him? How could you possibly get busy in underwear that big?" I gave her the driest look I could muster and replied, "We have been married for 14 years. It doesn't matter to him what kind of underwear I have on as long as at some point I can get them off. Because that's just the kind of relationship we have. In his mind, panties are not made to be looked at. They are a mere obstacle." Then I turned to the lady behind the counter and said, "Is there technical support for these bad boys?"


Queen Of Cheese said...

Ahhh....yes the secret society of Lane Bryant underwear wearers meets at my house! I LOVE those things!!!!!! I can only buy bra's there because the "secret" at Victorias is that although the models are bustey, the bras are not! I can only find my precious 38DDD at LB. I didn't know they carried bras there until a salesperson at Victoria's Secret told me to go there and check out the bras. OH MY GOSH! I heart Lane Bryant.......The SPANX are amazing too!

Melessa Gregg said...

You are right, they are just like my underwear only mine don't have the magical fat-squishing abilities that those do. I would buy myself a pair because I sure do have some fat to squish, but one pair of enormous underwear is more than enough to wear everyday. ;>)

Cazzie!!! said...

3 words for you, "Bridgett Jones' Diary"

River Rat said...

You absolutely kill me! I love me some Lane Bryant!

Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

actual rays of light shone down from the heavens upon her belly and I'm telling you, I heard music.

I have never been sure of how to capture that experience in words. Congratulations.

Lane Bryant bras do rock. And those panties too. Not the absolutely gigantic ones, but the reasonably attractive yet adequately large ones in the bins up in front of the counter that cost $18 freakin' dollars each.

WHIP's said...

I swear to you I'm dying from laughing so hard...tech support....ZAP! I love your take on life...and I'm a diehard Lane Bryant shopper. It's either wiggle into too small clothes in the minus size shops or buy granny clothes at walmart. LB wins every time

Carrie said...

When Spanx first appeared in LB, Jenn & I each bought a pair of these so-called "Power Panties" The only power they had was the power of falling off when I couldn't stand to wear them anymore. I think my husband thought they were "magic" panties, because I wouldn't keep them on. I haven't bought another pair, but I'm sure they have improved since then. I've heard wonderful things about them recently. I will buy another pair on my next visit! Their bras do rock!

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