Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Get to know me! The answers....

So if you were planning on taking my test, don't read any further. Just calmly back away from the screen and no one will get hurt. You can still go take the test, just don't cheat here first. If anyone from this point on scores higher than Cousin Stacey, I know will know you cheated and Jesus doesn't like it when you cheat.

Without further ado.....the answers to the questions on the test that pretty much everyone sucked at. (Gasp, I ended a sentence with a preposition. Darn you, Hillbilly Mom and your influence over me!) Am I that closed of a book? Or do y'all just not pay attention?

Question #1
My middle name is __________.
a. Lynn

b. Dawn (My dad gave me my middle name and unlike Tater, it was not after a former girlfriend of his.)

c. Marie

d. Elizabeth
Question #2
I've been married to a redneck for how long?
a. 12 years

b. 13 1/2 years

c. 11 years

d. 14 years (We celebrated our 14th anniversary on New Year's Day this year. Okay, not so much celebrated as just kind of acknowledged it and went about our business.)
Question #3
Which club/organization was I NOT a member of in high school?
a. Band (Hello, I was Drum Majorette, queen of the glockenspiel and the shortest bass drum player ever. I was in Band from 5th grade on up. I originally played the flute, but really was just horribly bad and switched to percussion.)

b. Competitive Speech (I lived for Comp. Speech. It became more important to me than Band and that's saying a lot. My first semester of college, I was actually a Theatre major.)

c. Chorus (NO! I tried, but when the teacher asked me to sing a scale so he could figure out if I was Alto or Soprano, I got the giggles, ran out of the band room and hid in the bathroom. Really. No, I'm not kidding. Sadly, I could actually sing back then. And for the record, I'm actually closer to a Bass than an Alto. Got that from m'dad who also gave me hairy arms and gray hair. Thanks, Dad. I'm the son you always wanted - with boobs.)

d. Student Council (I ran for President, was humiliated in front of the entire student body by someone I thought was my friend and later the advisor made the class vote me in as a class representative as, I guess, a consolation prize.)
Question #4
I have gotten how many speeding tickets?
a. 1

b. 2

c. 3

d. 0 (I have gotten 3 warnings, but never a ticket. One warning should've been a ticket because I was seriously hauling ass, but the trooper that pulled me over had been my sponsor at Cadet Lawman Academy the previous summer and let me go with a warning.)
Question #5
I wanted to be a ____________when I grew up.
a. mommy
(Always. From the time I was little bitty.)

b. teacher (My mom wanted me to be a teacher and still does, but I really just don't have the desire. The only thing I would remotely consider teaching would be college, but that requires a Masters and to be honest, I think an Associates is going to kill me so I'm not chancing it by attempting a Masters. I know, "Way to aim high, Diva." I know.

c. doctor (Iew! And touch oogey body parts? I think not. Actually I have a love for medical knowledge, but the practical application makes me woozy.)

d. president (No, but Jay Parmley said he was going to make me his First Lady when he got into office. Jay, I got tired of waiting and married a redneck. Your loss.)
Question #6
(Hopefully) The first book I publish will be of what genre?
a. Horror (No, but somewhere down the road I might give it a whirl. I've written some pretty dark stuff.)

b. Romance (Egad! What kind of a woman do you think I am? Romance books are horrible and if there was ever a valid reason for public book burnings, romance novels would be it.)

c. Mystery (It was Colonel Mustard in the parlor with the candlestick, right?)

d. A compilation of short stories (Basically, my some of my longer, better blog posts with turnable pages.)
Question #7
My least favorite sport is __________?
a.Quidditch (If I only had a broom....)

b. Basketball (I love watching Sammy play and of all the sports, it's the least horrible, I guess.)

c. Gymnastics (I was in gymnastics when I was little and my kids are now budding gymnasts, so I kind of have to like it.)

d. Baseball (Baseball is from the debbil! In high school I dated a baseball player obsessed with the sport and he instilled in me a deep-seated, all-consuming, fervid loathing for it. Just one of the many things he did to mess me up.)
Question #8
Until I got married, I slept with a stuffed teddy bear. He still sits on my bed every day. What is his name?
a. Ross (Nope, that was my friend Stacie's stuffed dog.)

b. Brad (Nope, that was the boyfriend that messed me up in the head.)

c. Einstein (Yep. I was a nerd back then. Wait, I still am.)

d. Gummi (Nope, but that's a pretty cute name and I think I'll name one of the new kittens that.)
Question #9
I'm a bit of a daredevil sometimes. What stupid redneck sport have I participated in?
a. Mud run (But I can dream.)

b. Greased pig (Iew! Pigs are so....piggy!)

c. Demolition derby (Read all about it and see the pictures here, here, here, here and here on my old blog.)

d. Jello wrestling (Methinks that jello in certain umm.....areas is a bad, bad thing.)
Question #10
I can do a pretty decent impersonation of a former TV personality. Who is it?
a. Cindy Brady from The Brady Bunch (Kady used to have the cutest little Cindy Brady lisp....but not me.)

b. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street (Hey there, Bird...wrong answer.)

c. Mork from Mork and Mindy (Nanoo, nanoo, nope.)

d. Geri from The Facts of Life (Yep. It's true. And Mom says I'm going to hell for it.)
Question #11
According to my husband and my sister, what is my most repulsive physical feature?
a. my toes
(Personally, I see nothing wrong with my toes, but Paul and Tater ride me about them constantly. They're little and chubby and cute. At least they're not a yard long like theirs.)

b. my tongue (No, I've got a pretty average-looking tongue, actually.)

c. my elbows (Normal elbows, too.)

d. my crooked pinky fingers (Crooked pinky fingers aren't repulsive. Weird maybe, but not repulsive.)
Question #12
I ran away from home when I was a teenager.
a. True

b. False (Oh, but hell no. My dad would've hunted me down and beat me to death. No, not really. But I'd probably still be grounded.)

Question #13
I used to have a mullet.
a. True
(Sadly, yes. I had a mulletish looking 'do in the 6th and 7th grade. It was back when everyone had "feathers" in the front and a curly perm in the back, so really I was just keeping up with current trends! Nothing is more attractive than short layered wings in the front and long, chemically produced curls in the back. Seriously, why did we think that was a good look? Hair parted right down the middle, cemented with AquaNet into wall-like layers that would stand straight up in the wind, and then oh, the curly perm that we all would use a pick on between classes. Oh hells yeah, we were stylin'. I'll have to find a picture because the mental picture I just left with you isn't enough, is it?)

b. False
Question #14
Which of these do I NOT suffer from?
a. Arachnophobia (fear of spiders) (The movie Arachnophobia just about did me in. I was a wreck when I left the theatre. Just another one of the moments where "the boyfriend" convinced me that something detrimental to my psyche was going to work out just fine and dandy. I still check under the sheets before I get in bed.)

b. Coulrophobia (fear of clowns) (Stephen King's It. Need I say more?)

c. Claustrophobia (fear of confined spaces) (Stick me in a 55-gallon drum and I'm perfectly alright. Well, not literally. But you know what I mean.)

d. Hydrophobia (fear of water) (Good golly, indeed I do suffer from this one. I am more scared of water than I am of clowns and spiders put together. It might help if I knew how to swim, but I seriously doubt it. I can't watch Poseidon, parts of Titanic make me hyperventilate and the season opener of ER a few seasons back had me in the fetal position.)
Question #15
What was the first job I held after I got married?
a. Cocktail waitress (Nope, that came after I got pregnant. Man, I loved that job.)

b. Pharmacy technician (Yep. The job just kind of fell into my lap, thanks to my mother-in-law who worked at the hospital. I really enjoyed that job because I got to be around the medical stuff, but didn't have to touch oogey things. I considered pharmacy school, but didn't want to leave this area to get educated. At the time, the closest pharmacy school was in Weatherford. It may still be. Doesn't matter, I'm gonna be a writer now!)

c. Daycare teacher (That was in my pre-married woman days.)

d. Secretary/Receptionist (I secretaried in the summer for an attorney in junior high and high school.)
Question #16
I am pursuing a degree in what?
a. Journalism
('Cuz I'ma gunna be a fansy writer sum day!)

b. English (No, but that's a second choice.)

c. Secondary education (Iew! Snot-nosed, hateful teenagers? I think NOT.)

d. Library science (Mmm...books...)
Question #17
Of the following music artists/groups, which one have not I seen in concert?
a. Rascal Flatts (Saw them in October, 2001. I was mui grande pregnant with Kady and the ride to Branson made my ankles swell to the size of small farm animals. I got Gary's and Joe Don's autograph, but Jay overlooked me in all my pregnant girth somehow. My camera died and I have no pictures of me with the guys, though. *sob*)

b. Trace Adkins (I still get all tingly when I think of him gyrating mere feet from me....good gracious how did God make him so HOT?)

c. Garth Brooks (Saw him in Joplin in May 1991, my Senior year. I was incredibly hungover from my very first ever drunk. Mom let me go to the concert because she was afraid I'd never get to see him again, but after that I was grounded for like, ever. In fact, I may still be...And I never did get to see him again, so thanks, Mom.)

d. Lynyrd Skynyrd (I missed out on Skynyrd when they were at Buffalo Run last fall. Queen Tammy and I had planned to go for a long time, but for some reason I can't remember why we didn't get to go....)
Question #18
I have ______ tattoos.
a. 3

b. 4 (A ladybug over my left breast, a yellow rose on the top of my left foot, Tinker Bell on the right side of my back and three forget-me-nots on the back of my left shoulder. Number four comes when we get our income tax return in a few weeks. Yes. Seriously. Screw investing or paying bills - Paul is getting a massive celtic half-sleeve and I'm getting Sam-I-Am from Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham.)

c. 6

d. 5
Question #19
Paul and I went to ____________ on our honeymoon.
a. Eureka Springs, AR (We've never been there together. We're hoping to go with the Tater and Bub this spring and stay in one of the haunted hotels.)

b. Cancun (Iew. That would require swimsuits and water and stuff.)

c. Branson, MO (That was the plan, but a massive ice storm that rolled in the afternoon of the wedding kept us from leaving town.)

d. The Super 8 in Miami (We literally slid into the Super 8's parking lot, slipped and slid from the truck to the building, got a room, ordered pizza [that poor delivery guy], watched WWF and fell asleep. Yep, we've always been romantic.)
Question #20
My dream job is to be a __________.
a. Syndicated columnist
(In my dreams, my column is read by bazillions all over the world.)

b. Playwright (No, too much thinking and planning and stuff.)

c. Novelist (That's obviously what I'm planning on doing because there we go again with that "aiming high" thing and I figure that while novelist isn't going to be easy, it's more attainable than syndicated columnist.)

d. The person who writes the scripts for porn movies (Well, while I'm not the highest aimer around, I can aim higher than that.)


And now you know.


Cap'n Neurotic said...

Man, I would have done better if I had just trusted my instincts; talked myself out of at least three of the right answers.

Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

The location doesn't make romance.

On my wedding night, we went to the Peabody in Memphis. Tim fell asleep within 5 minutes of walking through the door, so I walked down to see the ducks march in the lobby. When I got back, I sat on the couch and ate wedding cake with my fingers and watched him sleep and grew more and more angry at him for letting our wedding night go like this. Then he woke up and we were hungry, because we didnt' eat any of the food at the reception. We walked down to Beale St., and walked the length of it about 4 times before I finally insisted that we pick something, anything, and just freakin' eat already. So we ate burgers and fries at this 50's themed shit hole. After that we returned to the hotel and participated in the same naked activities we'd been doing for the previous 4 years.

You got a deal at the Super 8.

Cazzie!!! said...

3 warnings and no fine for speeding..does that mean you flashed your bits at the copper so they wouldn't fine ya? Or are you just a great talker to get out of it, lol, just kidding :)

Carrie said...

Our wedding night was equally romantic! We had our little 5-minute ceremony in a log cabin church that cost $150 and Steve had to pay for at the Calico Cow & Udder Stuff store in Branson (that stupid store painted white with black spots). I guess your wedding fee is considered "udder stuff." After the exchange of rings, etc, all of the wedding attendees (8, including us) went to Big Cedar Lodge for dinner. When Steve and I got home that evening, we watched A Bug's Life, because it had just come out on tape. We fell asleep in the middle (him in the recliner and me on the couch). That night really set the standard for us, because we have had many more evenings just like that (minus the yummy dinner, of course)

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...