Censorship

I am a pretty liberal parent. I love my kids with everything in me and I want them to be good people, but at the same time I try not to be a total nazi. I love my parents dearly, but growing up, Dad ran a pretty tight ship. Okay, so "tight ship" might be likened to "Turkish prison" in this case. Alright, alright, maybe it wasn't that bad. But still, he was pretty strict.

And the first chance I got to rebel I ran with it, not unlike a 5-year-old whose mommy has left her unattended and she's decided to take the opportunity to untie her shoes and grab the scissors, running with them so she can talk to strangers who have an unfriendly looking pit bull and they give her matches to play with.

Seriously. That's pretty much what I did.

So, as a former hell-child who is now a parent of my own little darlings and who remembers in quite vivid detail just how sneaky and rebellious she was and having heard terrifying stories of how wild Mr. Diva was, we are trying to nix some of that stuff way ahead of time. We let our kids say "fart", "crap", and they can even declare that something sucks. They know that these words are to be said only here at home and if they say them at Grammy's house they are subject to a mouthful of LifeBuoy. And if they say them at YaYa's house it could even be Lava soap. They also know that at school these words aren't allowed and if they say them, they will more than likely end up in trouble and it will only be their fault. We are giving them some leeway, but we're also giving them the responsibly that comes with a potty mouth. Some of y'all may not agree with that and you don't have to. It's a decision that we, their very rebellious and used-to-be-irresponsible parents, have made.

My mother and Tater know of this policy and despise it. They think that saying the word crap at age 7 is just going to lead to a life of sex, drugs, tattoos and *gasp* not voting in the primaries. So last night when Kady said the word "fart" at the frozen custard shop, Tater immediately reprimanded her. And I immediately came to Kady's defense. Which of course, led my mother to get this pinched look on her face, like she'd been sucking on pickles covered in extra alum. And Tater told me that it reflected badly on me.

Well, if my 4 1/2 year old is saying the word "fart" in public I guess I should resign myself to the fact that she's going to become a serial murderer - or at best a prostitute - and my only claim to fame will be the countless talk shows I'm booked on to talk about where it all went wrong. I will sit there stoicly and plead seriously with future parents to just start the day with a good sound lashing and lots of push-ups and withold sunlight for at least 6 hours a day. And for the love of God, people, don't let them say "crap".

That being said, I am going to start censoring their television viewing a bit more after the conversation Abby and I had last night on the way into Wal*Mart.

We had seen a highway patrol car that had pulled over a speeder or other traffic offender (who I bet his parents let declare that something sucked at some point in his early childhood) and she asked why police officers have to write everything down when they stop someone. I explained that if a person is repeatedly breaking the law then the records would show that and they would find a better way to punish them. She thought about this a minute and said, "Well, the cops of the TV shows have the best way of catching the bad guys." I had no idea what was going to come from her mouth when I asked her how they did it on TV. She said, "Well, they have a girl cop dress up like really sexy and hot and they have her stand behind a church or a convenience store and then she says something about 'five bucks' and then the cops come running and they catch the bad guys." She stated it very matter-of-factly and seemed rather proud of herself for having solved all of the world's crime problems with a mere prostitution sting.

And I found myself with a look on my face that was somewhat like I had been sucking on pickles coated with extra alum.