Friday, July 14, 2006

The Elephant Days of Summer

It's frickin' HOT out there! It's 10 till 10 as I type this and still so miserable outside that it's nearly unbearable. It was 96 when we drove out of town at 8:30. And the humidity was hangin' somewhere around the 95% mark. I keep thinking back to what Tater said a guy told her in Vegas: "We're in our monsoon season right now and it's got us all a little flustered. Right now we're at 7% humidity". Ha! We Okies scoff at your low humidity, Vegasans. Vegans. Vegasanites. Vegassers. Dammit. You people from Las Vegas. I'd kill for 7% humidity and a good hair day right now.

Speaking of hair.....I actually have an appointment for a haircut in the morning at 10, but I'm seroiusly thinking about cancelling it. For one thing, I only had $75 to my name tonight when the kids and I went to town. I spent $49 on groceries and $5 bought the kids frozen custard, so that leaves me with $20 and I need to put gas in the van. Methinks I just don't have the ability to pull money out of my ass for that haircut tomorrow. But then I keep thinking about how I must look to other people and think that maybe I should borrow the money from Mom and get the haircut as a public service to those that have to look at me.

Anyone remember Reba McEntire's hair back in the 90's? That big poufy curly red job she sported? Yeah, when my hair gets this long that's what it looks like when it's freshly coiffed. I have to keep a few layers in my hair because if I don't I honestly look like I spent 4 hours at the beauty shop getting a spiral perm while listening to Wham! Seriously. And because I am a child of the 90's I also know how to use a teasing comb and hairspray and when I first fix my hair in the morning it's a little poufy. "My works tends to be a little poufy when I'm nervous." (Copying off of Hillbilly Mom, if you can tell me what movie that line's from, I'll post a picture of me uhhh.....a picture of me dressed up as Dolly Parton at Halloween one year.) So poufy that Mr. Diva has actually put his hands on both sides of my head in an attempt to squish it into submission a bit. And to allow me through the bathroom door.

But because the layers are so long and heavy that the 90's Reba look leaves me after a few hours and instead leaves me looking like Weird Al Yankovic.

So in a matter of hours I go from 90's country music diva to old polish dude with a warped sense of humor. It ain't pretty people.

I'm working the gate at the Oklahoma 8-Man Football game tomorrow night. When I say "working it" I don't mean working it in my mini-skirt, fishnets and a purse full of condoms and mace. I mean working it in the respect that I'm selling the programs. My mom and one of her friends are taking tickets and I'm the program gal. I worked two 8-man games last year and had a blast and they pay well, so I'll suffer through the heat.

So if y'all are football fans and feel like coming out to Miami for the evening, look for the old polish dude making people laugh at the gate and make sure you say hi.


Cazzie!!! said...

Send somma that hot weather here will is a great day for ducks over here right now, pissin' down with rain!!!

Carmel said...

Yep. It had to get hotter than hades here for it to finally rain. Now it's hot and humid. My friend, E in Minnesota mentioned that it had gotten warm enough the other day to turn on the a.c. What!!?
I have a confession -- I get my hair cut at Cost Cutters. I had this wonderful hair guy and the salon (very high-end trendy ...expensive) he was at closed. So, I tracked him down. He was working at cost-cutters. Now I get the same haircut, cheap. His color techniques still cost me a fortune, but he's really gotta move. I'm always worried someone's going to find out I get my hair cut at cost-cutters. Yes, it's a vanity, shallow, act better than we are thing.

Shannon said...

I thought your hair looked cute when I saw you at the Casino last week, last Sunday night!
I hate this humidity though.
I will have to post some poufy pics of my eighty-early nineties hair--one comes to mind right now if I can locate it! haha

Bluejinx said...

Darryl Hannah's character in Steel Magnolias is the quote. Good luck on that haircut!!

MamaKBear said...

OMG no wonder I felt like I sweated like a stuck pig the minute I walked out the door last night! Yeah, our friends were over visiting and we went outside with them to smoke.

95% humidity!!! Yeesh! Don't feel as hot today without so much humidity.

You know what they's not the heat that'll kill ya, it's the humidity!

Queen Of Cheese said...

I asked MR.Coach if we were going to the 8-Man All-Star game. He just looked at me and told me when he had an All-Star we would go, until there's no need to go watch a football game in July.

Redneck Diva said...

Cazzie!!!, man we could sure use some rain. Right now there's tons of humidity but it's sure not cooling us off!

Cissy, I used to get my hair cut at Great Clips and when it closed I followed the stylist to her new salon. (She's the one that made fun of my moustache and funky eyebrow.) I have nothing against chain salons as long as their stylists aren't insulting! I say, go where they cut good! But I know what you mean about not wanting to admit you go to a discount chain salon...been there, done that.

Shannon, were you drinking when you saw me at the casino? LOL

Oh yes, you MUST post some poufy hair pics! I love those!

Bluejinx, YOU WIN!! Annelle (Daryl Hannah) was styling Truvy's (Dolly Parton) hair and Truvy said it didn't matter if it was poufy because at night she wraps her entire head in toilet paper. I LOVE that movie! And I have already alerted Mom that I need the Dolly pic so keep checking back to see me all "wigged" out!

MamaKBear, when my mom was getting ready to go to Vegas a few years ago everyone said, "It's not as bad out there because it's a dry heat." Mom's reply: "Yeah, well so is my oven."

Mrs. Coach, AMEN, brother! Your husband is a wise man. We had people buying programs just to sit on because the seats were so hot! They really need to put that game in another month. Geesh.

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...