Thursday, January 11, 2007

Cause and effect

In keeping with the homework theme that I seem to be eating, sleeping and breathing these days, I thought this post should be in the form of an analysis. (I really don't know what I'm talking about because I'm discovering that to be a college student you have to be fluent in the art of speaking nonsense.)

Cause: You quit your job and enroll in college when you're 30-something and a mother.

Effect: You cry every day.

Cause: You cry every day.

Effect: You discover that your incessant crying essentially frustrates your husband, bewilders your son, irritates your oldest daughter because you're so dorky, but that your youngest child is now the only person who gets anything when you die because when she sees that first tear fall she's running to her desk where she keeps an extensive cache of color sheets to cheer you up.

Cause: You have a very slow dial-up internet connection.

Effect: You are forced to drop out of your algebra class because the program continually locks up your computer.

Cause: You have a very slow dial-up internet connection (part 2.)

Effect: You have to strap on your backpack and go on campus to watch a video in the library's computer lab.

Cause: You have to watch a video in the library's computer lab.

Effect: You realize that you may very well have adult ADD because the two female basketball players behind you are having a conversation that contains phrases such as "Nuh uh, no she di'nt!" and "Oooh girl, I was hawt!" and suddenly they are much more interesting than a video over short stories and you wonder what she was wearing when she was "hawt" and ooh look, a chip in my fingernail....now where is my emery board?

Cause: You are told you have to write a story for the campus newspaper.

Effect: You wonder if it would be pushing it to ask if you can just post something from your blog archives.

Cause: You are fat.

Effect: You decide that after the fourth jaunt across campus with a 900 lb. backpack over one shoulder that maybe it really is time to start that diet.

Cause: You are fat (part 2.)

Effect: You suddenly realize that you no longer viewed as a being capable of any sexual response whatsoever by the males on campus (Like you have any sexual energy left in you anyway.) You realize that when you were 18 and taking college classes and had a 28" waist and blonde hair with no hint of gray whatsoever you were someone who could make guys turn around and take a second look. You realize that you have become a "ma'am".

Cause: You are fat (part 3.)

Effect: Your backpack won't stay stylishly slung over your shoulder anymore because your gigantic rear-end keeps moving it around to your hip.

Cause: You are a 34 year old college student.

Effect: Your are stunned to learn that your academic advisor is at least 10 years younger than you, probably more. You are incredibly relieved to learn that she doesn't expect you to call her Mrs. anything. That would be weird.

Cause: You are a 34 year old college student (part 2.)

Effect: You realize that the guys on campus who 15 years ago would've made you blush and stammer are nothing more than the jerks of the future who are going to gripe at their wife when their wife is up until midnight every night studying because she's trying to better herself but you can't see that and when she finally does come to bed has no inclincation whatsoever to play pattyfingers with you, you insensitive.......

.........wait...........I think I got sidetracked. (See above: Adult ADD)

7 comments:

Cap'n Neurotic said...

. . .because I'm discovering that to be a college student you have to be fluent in the art of speaking bullshit.

Diva, my friend, you have just discovered the A-#1 secret to the collegiate experience. I remember in my Intro to Lit class at OSU there were these incredibly annoying, vapid Education majors who one day accosted me about the fact that the professor (who was a notoriously tough grader) always gave me good grades. I told them "because I know what she wants to hear, and that's what I write." They acted appaled, and practically accused me of cheating, when all I was doing was playing the game.

And if the stuff you write for the paper is half as entertaining as this blog post, you'll be doing fine.

Kelly said...

LOL!!! This was awesome! I don't even know where to begin, so I'll just end where I started...LOL!!!

Carrie said...

To be honest, it sounds like you're off to a "normal" start! I feel for you having to find a parking spot on campus, though! That's a huge pain! You're going to be just fine!!!

Mrs. E said...

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
Quit putting so much pressure on yourself. Did you not listen when I told you that you don't have to be perfect and have all A'? The shooting the bull thing is what you must do in college. Find out what the teacher wants and lay it on thick.

LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!! I KNOW. I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR A LONG TIME. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE GOING FOR YOU. NOW, GET OUT THERE GIRL AND GRAB FOR ALL THE GUSTO. Oops I slipped into a beer commercial there for a minute.

I remember going back to take classes and being the old smart person. You know the ones you resented so much when you first started college. Wow, what a shocking experience!!!! Sure I was married, had a child and had been teaching for awhile but..... Oh well, I lived through it as have many OWL's. Don't get your panties in a wad. Settle down and do the best you can. After all all you can do is all you can do.

I would say to take some of your better blogs and use them. It's the kind of stuff most college teachers would love to be reading.
Trust me it sure beats the dickens out of a lot of stuff I get to read.

Enjoy your trip. I have never gotten to visit Disney Land or Disney World and here you are getting to go twice within a short period of time. Just think of all of the writing material you will have when you get back.

sally axhandle said...

Listen to my sister and my nephew. I never finished college. The only one of us kids who truly dropped out. They know what they are talking about. You go girl!

Stewed Hamm said...

Get a couple semesters under your belt, and you'll be complaining about how all the classes are "dumbed down" for the damn college kids. I know I did when I started back.

Hang in there Diva, you'll make it.

DeadpanAnn said...

I was about to say exactly what cap'n neurotic said. Bullshtting is an extremely valuable skill in college, especially in liberal arts/ humanities classes. Not sure how far it would get you in Chemistry or Algebra. Ehhh..algebra. [shudder]