Monday, February 27, 2006

Keywords

Oh wow . . . Hillbilly Mom, you were right to be disturbed. There are some seriously jacked up ways to get to my blog!

"I'm going to Miami, I'm going to the fair, to see a senorita, with flowers in her hair." - this was one that Hillbilly Mom mentioned she'd seen. My Brownies play this game, but they're always going to the country, not Miami. I couldn't find this keyword search, but it's obviously already been replaced with this one:

"photograph of fat redneck woman hanging poster for lost puppy with dog stuck in her butt" - Now, I realize that the word "redneck" gets me a lot of search engine traffic, but honestly.

"receipt for homemade jungle juice" - This one has steered someone in the wrong direction completely, because when I sell my homemade jungle juice I always, always, always give a receipt when the sale takes place. There should be no one coming around later to get a receipt - they got one when they left the back end of my van, where I sell my homemade jungle juice. And I certainly don't give out the recipe. They're looking for some other homemade jungle juice distributor.

"jake and heath kiss photo" - Mention Brokeback Mountain one time and you get searches looking for the two hottest sheep herders of all time kissing. I personally would like to see that photo myself, but it's not on my blog.

"baby kick grownups butts" - There are days when I feel like they do just that. But other days my motto of: "I'm bigger, I'm meaner, I'm stronger and I WILL win" usually holds true.

I'd share more, but 74% of my search engine hits come from searches for "redneck". These are just the rare few that make everyone go WTF????

Sunday, February 26, 2006

In the middle of the night

We were out really late Thursday night, not winning my Cadillac. They kept mispronouncing my name and other people kept claiming the keys. Idiots. But Paul won a boatload full of money and even shared, so it wasn't a total loss. I mean, I'm disappointed that they couldn't get my name right and wouldn't let me claim the 2006 Cadillac that was rightfully mine, but hey, what can you do? I'm going to blame the Dang Liberal Democrats, like my dear friend Jim. He blames everything on the Dang Liberal Democrats. I honestly have no beef with democrats, being registered as one myself. It's just fun to blame everything on an political group. Because I'm quirky like that.


I hadn't won crap all night Thursday (and was royally mad about it) when TaterSis jackpotted a RedBall machine and screamed so loud when she won her $250 that security actually sent over a Slot Tech to take her information because usually the only people that make such a ruckus are the ones that win taxable amounts. Oh, but not my Tater. She whooped and hollered and screamed and squealed and squeezed, slapped and punched me in the right arm so many times that any other time I'd have decked her, but I was laughing too hard at the hoopla she was creating. Within 30 seconds of her first ear-splitting scream there was a crowd of at least 25 people around us all gawking to see the enormous jackpot she'd won. Then they all sniffed and scoffed when they saw $250 on her machine.


Later on in the night, I was down to my last $40 and sat down at the RedBall machine Tater had won on earlier. Paul had already blown his $100 allottment from his mega winnings (he gave me $100, too) and was pouting around, saying he was tired and had to work the next day, but I was having fun and I'm selfish and hey, to quote Hillbilly Mom, it's all about me. So play, I did. I started with $20 in the machine and had it up to $125 at one point. I played it up, down, up, down, just generally driving Tater insane with the threat of me leaving with less than $100, and finally cashed out with $100. I paid her back the $20 Paul had borrowed, paid Mom some money on the Silver Dollar City Season Passes she bought for me and pocketed the rest. I was a happy diva.

It was while sitting there winning and driving my sister insane, that she began physically abusing me again. I had given her my cell phone to hold because Bub was going to call when he left the other casino he was visiting while I continued winning at the Buffalo. I should know to never give her anything but cotton balls and maybe marshmallows when she's bored because she can turn anything into a weapon. I'm sitting there happily daubing my machine when YOWCH a searing pain hit my upper left arm and I yelled really loudly before I had a chance to realize how loudly I was yelling. A guy had sat down on the right side of me just before I yelled and had asked how we were, if we were winning, etc. When I yelled his companion goes, "Oh, did she win?" He replied, "No, I think her friend just burned her with a cigarette, though." From the way I was holding my arm and cursing, I can see how it would appear that my upper arm had been almost set on fire. Turns out, since well, Tater doesn't smoke, she didn't burn me with a cigarette, but she did flip me with the antenna of my cell phone. I am going to start carrying my cell phone in my hand when I walk down dark alleys, because if I am ever mugged I can just flip my assailant with my cell phone antenna and send him away screaming and wounded. That HURT. She said she was sorry and that she felt bad, but the way she was giggling hysterically, I'm not so sure I believe her.

Friday day was a really easy day here at home. CBG didn't come last week since she was hit a bit harder by THE FLU than Kady was and was home recovering with her Mimi. I didn't have CTB (Cute Tiny Baby) because he's so tiny medical professionals said he should stay far from my house for a week longer. So I stayed in my pajamas all day, took a nap in the afternoon with the kids and then lied through my teeth when Paul asked me if I'd taken a nap. No way I was 'fessing up to that one.

That night Paul went to bed at 8:45, a mere 15 minutes after the kids. I stayed on the couch to watch the premiere of Derek Acorah's Ghost Towns on The Travel Channel. I'm a fan of all things paranormal and ghostly, but I'm afraid this dude was a little over the top. I fell asleep. At 9. A mere 15 minutes after Paul. And I slept until 7 the next morning!


All of the Divas got up and around and started the day pretty early for a Saturday around here. Paul was going to Wal*Mart to distribute more Girl Scout cookies and Abby had a cheerleading workshop to go to. Tater and I were going to go buy the things for our Troop's community service project and maybe do a little gambling while the girls were busy cheering and chanting and working on their spirit. But Tater called in a fit, wanting to know if we knew where Addison's shoes were. The child had lost her shoes. So after all of that drama and then the fact that Tater's alarm didn't go off, I scrapped the whole community service shopping and told Tater to meet me at the gym after the workshop and we'd deliver some cookies then and shop some other time.

Because I had gotten a bit overly emotional that morning, Paul - in a rare moment of husbandly compassion - took Kady and Sam with him to distribute GS cookies. After the shock wore off at his gesture, I dropped Abby off, then took off in a dead run for the nearest casino for 3 hours of quality gambling time ALONE. Now, granted there were others in the casino - it wasn't like they cleared it just for me. I'm not that famous yet. But I was there amongst strangers and I didn't talk, didn't make eye contact and didn't even think half the time I was there. It was nice. Sometimes I get overloaded and need to run. Alone is good sometimes.

It took us an hour to sell 4 boxes of cookies, so we stopped that nonsense and went home. When selling to family you visit a lot, we found. And Papa's house was really hot and smelled like cabbage. Bleh.




Awhile back my uncle gave Paul some ostrich skin boots. He also gave Bub some of those old man short boots. You know what I'm talking about - the boots that look like normal cowboy boots but in all actuality they zip up and only go to just right above the ankle. Now, I love my uncle to pieces, but short boots? To a 32 year old man? Bub took them and then gave them to Paul later. Yesterday he tried to wear them. I told him that I could never sleep with him ever again if he wore the short boots out in public. Seriously. Short boots, people. Not happenin'. The mere thought does not make my mojo do anything but vomit. So what does he do but run into town to shop for new shoes an hour before everyone is due to arrive at our house. He was late, but at least now I can sleep with him again.

My DivaMaInLaw is on vacation and offered to watch the kids if we wanted to go to Tulsa to the Cherokee Casino. So we rallied the troops and made the plans. Except we started hearing that Cherokee just doesn't pay out all that well. Consistently not that well. So we then decided to go to Siloam Springs, AR. Then we heard they pay out better than Cherokee, but just about like the casinos around here. So in our minds we might as well stay local and save gas. We went to Grand Lake Casino. We left the Diva Ranch around 6pm. We left Grand Lake Casino somewhere in the neighborhood of 2:30am. From there we went to Bordertown Bingo in Seneca, MO, and stayed until 4 or so.



And then of course, we couldn't end an all-night casino run without visiting The Lucky Turtle.






It was at Grand Lake Casino that I called my sister a "butt monkey" and nearly made our mother blow an artery laughing so hard. On the ride from Grove to Seneca we made up mean names for The One Person We All Really Don't Like And Will Soon Have No Reason To Associate With. Her new name is Yzma Dermadouche. Don't ask why, just laugh like we did. I'm sure the people at the Turtle thought we were all staggering drunks because when we walked into the place we were all laughing so hard we were crying and couldn't walk straight. I also called my sister a HoBag when she kept daubing my machine. You just don't mess with my machine and not expect to get called something nasty.

When we left the Turtle it was just after 5:30am. There was light in the east and Tater said, "Oh look! The sun's coming up!" Mom corrected her by saying, "No, the sun isn't up yet, it's breaking light." Of course, I giggled because I'm immature and infantile when I've been awake for nearly 24 hours. On the ride home we had laughed until we couldn't laugh any more. The truck got quiet and we were all just kind of riding along in a sleep-deprived stupor. I looked out my window and said, "Look, Mom! The sun is breaking wind!" And even though it wasn't all that funny, we laughed hysterically until we stopped.

We walked in our front door this morning at 6:10am. Just pretty much 12 hours after we'd left. We were smokey, tired and plumb goofy, but we'd had fun. Mom starts her new job this Wednesday and Tater has applied for a job as well and we're pretty sure she'll get it. This was just our way of saying, "Hey, butt monkeys! Congratulations!"

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Yoda ain't got nothin' on my mom

My mom doesn't read my blog, but occasionally when I write something that is particularly humorous or has to do with the kids, I'll send it on to her. I sent her my previous post this morning. And my mother, who is the wisest of sages, replied with this:

Kristin:

I hope Rich Optometrist doesn’t read “blogs”. If he does I will have to start going to Lens Crafters. (ha)

I know just how you feel. It never fails that when you feel you look your worst, your run into people who “appear” to look their best. Most likely this morning neither person could even tell you what you had on last night.

You may wear New Balance shoes (do those come from Wal-Mart? My kids will NEVER wear that brand) (again ha) and not have on make-up, but YOU WERE THERE…………..that is what counts. Do you think Sam cares if you have on make-up? NO, because you are beautiful to him anywhere and at anytime because you are his mother and he loves you unconditionally.

Chances are even if you had been dressed to the hilt and had on your tiara, you would have probably still felt inferior. You know why? Because you allow people to make you feel that way. We are all equal in God’s eyes and are all basically the same inside. It is just that we all have different “shells” on the outside. My shell now comes with gray/white hair, but the old gal is still 18 on the inside. She may not be dressed for the prom today, but she still likes to dance.

Daughter of mine, never, I repeat, NEVER let other people make you feel inferior. You are a wonderful person and an absolutely terrific Mom and I know for a fact that Abby, Sam and Kady would not trade you for any beauty queen in this universe.


Because after all, you know how to make Goop out of cornstarch.

I love you.

Mom



When I grow up I wanna be just like her.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Things aren't always what they seem

Tonight was karate night and I took Sam by myself. Lately I have been dropping him off and picking him up in an hour, but tonight he didn't really want to go and then when we got there he wanted me to stay. So I did. Even though I was in track pants and was wearing no makeup.

It never fails that when I look my skeeviest, the pretty people show up. Tonight I sat smack in the middle of the row of chairs, rather than along the wall on the benches. I thought this would eeffectively keep me out of the general population of other parents. Instead, it placed me between the rich optometrist that I've known since high school because he played baseball with my boyfriend back then and some other well-dressed prepster who had a rather tall stack of legal pads in his lap.

Now, I don't ogle people, but I try to be a quiet observer of my surroundings. Rich Optometrist was reading a magazine - this I gathered from my peripheral vision (which is something he checks on me every couple of years, ironically). I assumed that he was reading some important Optometry Today journal or something medically/optometrically related. Stack of Legal Pads on the other side of me was scribbling furiously and from my well-checked peripherals I gleaned rather quickly that he wasn't writing about an upcoming trial (assuming at this point that he was a lawyer because of the legal pads). He instead was scribbling figures, lines, geometrical shapes and other nonsense. He was obviously a rocket scientist. (Even though I'm pretty sure there aren't any rockets around here.) Being sandwiched between two rather good-looking men in rather nice, expensive clothes and shoes - shoes that my husband would not be caught dead in - doing rather important-looking things made me slink lower in my seat as the class time wore on.

I have a pretty good sense of self and I know that even though I have only a high school education, I am a smart person (although the brain isn't as used as it once was and sometimes I revert to babytalk on the weekends completely unprovoked). I provide a loving home to other people's children and I'm good at what I do. I am a good mother and I love my kids desperately. I am a mediocre wife, but that's okay, he likes me that way. There are 7 little Brownies that think I am the shit because I know how to make Goop out of cornstarch and water and I can wrangle nearly 1300 boxes of Girl Scout cookies with what appears to be little effort. We're rednecks, but we're happy rednecks. My kids aren't perfect - my son is a bit of an Eddie Haskell and is hyperactive. My oldest child wears a headgear and an attitude. My youngest child is bossy and whiney. But I love them and they're mine. All in all, I have a good life and I'm satisfied. But sitting there with no makeup on in my New Balance sneaks with the little worn spots on the sides, my husband's tube socks and my track pants that the lining is ripping out, I started to feel pretty inferior.

But then I managed to get a better glimpse both directions and saw that Rich Optometrist was reading Woman's Day and Stack of Legal Pads was drawing basketball plays on his stack of legal pads.

And when I saw Rich Optometrist's kid picking his nose with more fervor and passion than I've seen a 5 year old pick a booger with in a long time . . . well, I smiled and sat up straighter.

Picker

Go here and be a picker.

Please?

I got this from Sam and well, she's the shit so I had to be a lemming and get one, too. If I'm not copying off of Hillbilly Mom I'm copying off of someone else. Yeah, so make sure when you pick the words that describe me best that "unimaginative" and "boring" are the first ones you grab. For me, k?

Mending

Kady's doing much better today. Sunday she went virtually fever-free all evening, but then Monday morning her temp crept back in again. She played more, but wore out easily.

I had already called my babysitting moms Sunday night to tell them I would not be allowing their children into my germ-laden home, so then after finding out there was no school Monday either, all five Divas stayed home. That was fun actually. I did laundry and dishes, took a nap with Kady and the others played outside while the Queen and her Princess slept. Didn't accomplish a whole lot, but we read a lot of books and sorted GS cookies, so it was a marginally productive day.

It's just KD and I here today. Since she still had a fever yesterday evening I felt like it would be prudent to keep her isolated again today, just for good measure. No fever today! I nearly did a cartwheel when I felt her little head this morning, but then I remember that I'm fat and really can't do cartwheels and figured I'd better just hug her and say, "Yay! No fever!" Better to err on the side of caution, ya know.

I left the casino ahead last night and bought all three kids some funky toy thing and me a new sports bra because I guess I am destined to have a uni-boob for the rest of my life or until I can afford to go to Lane Bryant for real boob-defining bras. And I bought Mr. Diva a box of condoms, so he definitely came out the winner because he got like, twelve toys. Anyway, this toy thing I bought the kids, Tater has been buying them for her kids so I figured I'd get on the bandwagon. It looks like a packet of JellO when you open it, but you drop the packet into warm water and it fizzes like crazy and turns color and then when the fizzing is done you fish around in the skanky pink frothy water to find your toys. There are 2 or 3 in each package. Kady got an Aurora, Jasmine and Snow White. I got Ab a Princess one as well and Sam Marvel Comics. It was actually pretty cool and Kady has played with this teeninsy princesses all dang morning. They even helped her put together puzzles this morning, so they're helpful princesses as well. I'm not sure Ab's gonna be all that excited, but I have a feeling that Sam will think the fizzing colored water is worthy of mess-making, God love that boy. I nearly gave him to a band of gypsies yesterday.

I've got a killer headache today. Not a migraine, just a rotten-ass headache. My neck is achey as well. I called DivaMom and asked her to pray THE FLU away for me. She prayed away her nose polyps a year or so ago and figured she's pretty good at the praying thing. Plus, she reminded me that she also prayed a lot and God gave her a NEW JOB, so yeah, I asked her to get right on that praying thing. I really don't think I'm getting THE FLU, even though my germy child coughed on me, barfed on me and basically laid on me nonstop for 24 hours, I think I just sat next to a dude last night that was smoking cigarettes made out of prairie grass laden with asbestos. Those were some seriously stinky cigarettes. And I've been known to smoke a cigarette or two in my life, but seriously, he offended me. But the praying thing can't hurt. Just in case it is THE FLU.

I really have nothing else to report. There are 24 minutes left in my soap opera so I'm going to watch that, then the Princess and I will be retiring to our quarters to take our royal naps.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

When a stranger calls

The people of Divatown were scared. There was a stranger in their midst and they were scared and full of dread. They'd heard of this stranger and they knew he could be horrible, ruthless and vicious and now he was in their town. The citizens lined up on the sides of the dusty street that ran through town, knowing that the stranger would make his appearance right in the middle of where the people gathered. The women stood with their hands over their mouths, recalling what they'd heard from others - stories of the moaning and groaning he induced. The children hid in their mothers' skirts. Fathers stood with bewildered looks on their faces, wanting to protect their family from this horror, but knowing they were virtually helpless. The town grew quiet. A tumbleweed skipped down the middle of the street. (Cue the shootout music - "oo-ee-oo-ee-ooooo wah wah wah")

There he stood, tall and menacing - Influenza had come to town.

---------------------

When Tammy stood on my porch yesterday to drop off the acetaminophen suppositories and declared that CBG had tested positive for THE FLU, my guts just fell out into a steaming pile on my snowy front stoop. Okay, okay, so that might be a slight exaggeration, but dadgummit it's THE FLU!

The girls had gotten sick within about 12 hours of each other, were exhibiting the same symptoms almost in tandem and I'd say it's safe to assume Kady has THE FLU as well. I called the hospital and had them page the provider on call for her PA. I was disheartened when I heard who it was, but tried to speak slowly and use small words so as not to confuse his poor brain. Of course, he was at a basketball game and was a mite distracted anyway. I explained that KD had been exposed to someone who had tested positive and asked what I should do - should I take her to the ER to get tested herself? Or just wait? Or what? He asked if we wanted TamiFlu. HELL YES, we wanted TamiFlu! She was sick, almost as sick as she was the time she got Roseola and her temp got up to 105.1 and was limp as a dishrag, and I wanted her FIXED. He said he'd call her in the script, I thanked him and that was that.

That was around 5:30. After about 15 minutes it hit me to call the pharmacy to check their hours. They closed at 6! And we live 20 minutes out of town when the roads aren't slick. Who knew how long it'd take with the roads icy. So I pushed enough buttons that finally I got to talk to real live Pharmacist who listened to me frantically plead that someone just stay for 5 more minutes while my husband flew to town. When I had finished ranting he calmly said, "Mrs. Diva, I'd be happy to wait for you, except Dr. Doofus hasn't called anything in to me in over an hour." I was near tears. I had a sick baby who needed TamiFlu before her first 24 hours passed, I was sleep-deprived, worried and frustrated! He said if Dr. Doofus called by 6 that he could send the script to Joplin where they have a 24 hour store. It wasn't ideal, but I was desperate. About five minutes later the phone rang again and it was the adorable Pharmacist asking me to tell him again what was wrong with Kady. I told him THE FLU. He said, "Hmh. I wonder why Dr. Doofus called her in ear drops then." ARGH!! I said, "Mr. Adorable Pharmacist, I know it's not your fault in the least but I DON'T WANT EAR DROPS!! I WANT TAMIFLU!!" He laughed and asked, "How did you get hold of the doctor?" And when I told him that I'd paged him through the hospital he said, "I'll call him now." He sounded serious. Adorably serious.

Five minutes later, Adorable Pharmacist called back and said, "Uh, Mrs. Diva? Dr. Doofus just got a little confused, but it's taken care of now and I am holding in my hand some TamiFlu for Kady. How soon can you be here?" "Twenty minutes. THANK YOU!!" I gasped into the phone while I was frantically throwing a coat at Mr. Diva and pushing him out the door. Five minutes after that Adorable Pharmacist called back and said, "What is your husband driving? I'll meet him out front in the parking lot." I will be writing a letter to Walgreens over Adorable Pharmacist. He went above and beyond. They've done this for me twice now - stayed and waited for us when the doc called something in late. I *heart* Walgreens.

I'm just glad Mr. Diva couldn't get his truck started yesterday and didn't go to work. If he had been gone all day yesterday I'd have flipped. Even though he's fairly useless with sick kids, it keeps me centered to have him here for some reason. His boss suggested he drive my van and come on in, but he didn't want to leave me here with no vehicle and a very sick little girl, so he told her thanks but no thanks, he'd pass and stay home.

Kady has run a fever consistently since 8am Saturday. She woke up this morning acting like she felt better, but still running nearly a 102 temp. She'll get up and play awhile, then end up back on the couch exhausted like she's just run a marathon. Her fever's down right this moment, but it hasn't broke yet, as far as I know, so I figure she'll spike back up here after awhile.

CBG is on breathing treatments PLUS an antibiotic for her FLU, plus some other illness. I think they're worried about bronchitis/pneumonia for her. And with good reason. I started KD back on her breathing treatments this morning after 1) hearing her cough like a TB poster child and 2) my dad told me that a side-effect of TamiFlu is bronchitis. Plus, I've heard of tooooooo many people going straight from THE FLU into pneumonia this year (as Hillbilly Mom so wisely warned). It's too shittin' scary, if you ask me. I lamented to my dad this morning that CBG and Kady had both had THE FLU shot. Plus my Papa had one as well, but is battling pneumonia with his one lung and has for two weeks now. Dad said they make this year's FLU shot off of last year's strain. There's been a whole lot of mutatin' goin' on.

Then to make this snowy sick weekend oodles better, my durn washing machine drain froze. Yet, it didn't send me an email stating so or put up a billboard with flashing lights or just simply holler "Hello? I'm fuh-fuh-fuh-rozen!" So yesterday afternoon after Kady had barfed on her blanket I started a load of laundry. And all was well until it drained and shot water 5 feet into the air and alllll over my utility room. As Mr. Diva and I used virtually every towel in the house to mop up the mess, thus creating MORE frickin' laundry, he was grumbling at me for using the washer when I should've known it was obviously going to be frozen. I stopped, flicked a wet washcloth at him and said, "Hey. Shut up and get back to moppin' my floor. I'll make you do housework one way or 'nother, boy."

I have lost so many IQ points these last two days. We watched so many cartoons yesterday that between the two Disney Channels and the two Nicks we watched everything twice and sometimes three times. Then we watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory last night because my mother in law hadn't seen it. She wasn't impressed. I told her if we'd watched the original one with Gene Wilder she'd have liked it more. As it was, she found Johnny Depp disturbing, but then again, so did I.

So today, because of the still-frozen drain and the fact that Mr. Diva got his truck started this morning and had to go to work, I totally had a free day! I couldn't do laundry because of the frozen drain, I couldn't do dishes because the dishwasher drain might have been frozen as well and who'd want to take that chance? So you know what I did? I laid on the couch and listened to my MP3 player all dang day. Well, I did watch some SpongeBob, too.

When Mr. Diva walked in tonight to find the four of us laid out around the living room like the residents of Jonestown, he said, "Gimme your sister's phone number. I gotta get that drain thawed." I guess he didn't like the fact that I hadn't done a flippin' thing all day while he'd been out there freezin' his fanny off. He went down to the Farmette to get a space heater then drove up to the church to meet DivaMom to get a heat lamp and 20 minutes later he took me by the shoulders and gently directed me to the utility room and re-introduced me to my laundry. I hadn't missed it really.

I can tell Kady's feeling better tonight. She's talking incessantly again. Right now she's rambling on enough to make my ears bleed. Here's an excerpt: "So Momma? If Daddy don't wowk and don't get paid and don't pay bills wiw dey frow him in jaiw? 'Cuz dat would be bad. I wouldn't wike jaiw. I bet it stinks. Hey, wook I made a Wah*Mawt wif my Wegos. Wook at the doors. And der's de sign that says 'WaaMawt' because wemembew when the wite was out in the 'ehw' (read: L) and it wasn't Wah*Mawt but WaaMawt? Wemembew dat, Momma? Ooh wook, der's a ponytaiw holdew so if de one in my haiw faws out we can use dis one. Do we have any pickews? (read: pickles)" Oh my gosh, she's back to normal.

Mr. Diva just hollered out here that the kids don't have school tomorrow. There was much jubilation. By them. Not me. Plus, Mr. Diva's off tomorrow as well. I may volunteer to work for the county and help clear the roads.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

104.1 and snowy

No, that's not some crazy Weather Channel meteorologist's kooky forecast - it was my youngest child's temperature an hour ago and the current conditions in my front yard.

--------------------

I had a PhPhPh post all in the works yesterday and then CBG started acting funny. Fussing and just generally not acting herself. Well, no wonder - she had a 102 temp. Poor baby was miserable! So I called her Momma and poked some Motrin in her, kept her happy and cool. I also ended up calling Chan's momma at work because he was not feeling well again yesterday. He'd gone home early the day before with a 101.7 temp. She said he was better and brought him back yesterday. But he still wasn't up to par and I sent him back.

My MaInLaw offered to come out and watch the kids this evening so we could go out. The original plan was to go see Brokeback Mountain with the Taters. But Bub refused. I can't believe that I got Paul talked into it and then Bub balked. Oh well. Anyway, after seeing the weather forecasts all day repeatedly mentioning the significant snow and ice we'd be receiving today we all opted to go out last night. We called Mom and she offered to take all five kids if we could have them picked up by 8am. Sure, no biggie. So we loaded everyone up and dropped off the kids and went - where else - to the Buffalo.

We ate dinner and played for about an hour and a half in the new casino - Joe's Outback. "Take the short walk down the long hall" and something about a taste of the Old West, blah blah, but I'm fairly certain that Matt Dillon never played RedBall while Miss Kitty cheered him on back in the Old West. Anyway, after we'd lost all we cared to lose back there we went back up front and figured we'd go talk to security and see if the forecast had changed. We took one look out the front door and all gasped. Snow!! LOTS of snow!! Blowing snow everywhere!! Paul whistled and said, "Holy sh*t", Tater said, "Oh my gosh, we are so stupid. We just HAD to come out here tonight, didn't we?"

Eh, Paul, like any good redneck, has 4WD so we weren't too worried and convinced the Taters to stay and play another couple of hours. When we left the casino, the first 4-way stop we came to turned out to be more of a "Slide Through and Pray the Other Guy is Paying Attention" because that's exactly what happened. Even in 4WD. As the other truck got closer to MY side of the pickup I had visions of turning the Ram into a demolition derby truck and was wishing I was wearing my helmet. Fortunately, the other guy managed to stop and we slid on through unharmed.

We took the Taters back to Mom's to get their car and there was actual discussion about just taking the kids home with us then, but the Taters - even without 4WD - had a hankering to stop at another casino and well, you know our penchant for RLTKAOOTHS, so we left 'em sleeping warmly at their Grammy's.

The snow had stopped by 3, when we went to bed and at 6:30 when we got up, it hadn't snowed any more. But HOLY NIGHT it was COLD!!! Our fireplace usually runs us out, stripping off clothes and opening windows, but today that meager 10 degrees and the windchill of relatively TWENTY DEGREES COLDER THAN ANTARCTICA is making the fireplace seem like a kitchen match.

We got to Mom's around 8:10 and she opened the door, greeting us with, "Go feel your youngest daughter." She was burning up. When we got her home I took her temp - 103.7. I put her on her daddy's lap and fixed her up a double shot of Motrin. I had no sooner gotten back to the kitchen with the syringe than I heard, "DADDY!! TELL MOMMA I'M GONNA FROW UP!!" I ran back in with the trashcan and well, that was a wasted dose of Motrin. God love her, she was miserable. I called Dad and he said to cool her down with cool cloths on the forehead, neck, groin and underarms while we waited for the Phenergan to work enough that she could keep some more Motrin down. After about 30 minutes I got more Motrin down her and she fell asleep. When she woke up she was cooler and asked for some Gatorade and crackers. I obliged and she watched a few cartoons then fell back to sleep. When she woke up again she was on fire. That's when the thermometer read 104.1. It was really too early for more Motrin, but I'm out of children's Tylenol so I gave her more Motrin. She's cooled off again, but it hasn't broke, so I know in a few hours it'll shoot back up again.

We called MaInLaw to tell her not to come tonight, but she had her heart set on seeing the kids and bringing them ungodly amounts of junk food and pizzas, so she's coming over anyway. She's braving ice and snow to bring my kids sugar and crap. Now, that's love. Hopefully she'll bring children's Tylenol, too.

When we got back from picking up the kids there was a message from CBG's momma telling me that she was taking her to UrgentCare. I called her back and asked if we could hitch a ride. I was joking, of course - we have to stick with Oklahoma hospitals. CBG's big brother just got over a bout of the actual, real live flu which went into pneumonia, so she's naturally concerned. CBG wouldn't drink anything and she's only a whole whopping 16 pounds anyway, plus running a 103+ temp . . . not a good combination.

I called to check on Chan this morning, too. He's fine as frog hair.
At least someone is.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

This strange quiet is unsettling

I only have two children in my house today. And they're both taking naps right now, so it's eerie in here. Chan is sick, CBB is with his Mimi while his parents are out of town, Kady spent the night with Mom last night, so it's only me, CBG and CLB. Weird, huh? I laid them down for their morning naps and then wandered around aimlessly for awhile. I really should clean the bathroom, but that is just no dang fun. So I didn't. I'm blogging instead.

-----------------

It's flippin' HOT in here! Paul got chilly last night and built a dang fire even though it was like, 60 outside. So now this morning it's 62 and the fireplace blowers are still running. I've got the front and back doors open in an attempt to let the heat out. The high today is supposed to be 69 and then BOOM the bottom is supposed to fall out this afternoon and plummet the temps down to the 40's. Frickin' Oklahoma weather. THEN we've got a chance of snow Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Of course, my jonquils are trying to come up in the sideyard.

-----------------

Abby brought home a paper last night for a cheer exhibition/workshop thing this weekend. They go to a day camp thing, learn some cheers and a routine and then perform at the college's halftime games next Monday. The deadline was yesterday, yet they passed out the papers 15 minutes before school was out yesterday. So I hope to hell they don't charge extra for late registration since it was their fault. She really wants to do it and I will gladly shell out the $25 for it. That child is so shy and introverted that any time she wants to do any public performing I let her. But before I agreed I said, "You do realize you will be performing at halftime at NEO's basketball game, right?" She quietly said, "Uh, no......I did not know that.....but you know what, I want to do it anyway." Here's hoping she'll follow through.

----------------

Tonight is Brownies, but I'm dreading it. The weather is so kooky and the wind is supposed to switch from out of the south to the north this afternoon. Do you KNOW what that does to children? It makes them freakin' wolverines, that's what it does. I'm thinking a little Benadryl in their juice might help.....

----------------

Last night was LOST. I wish just once they'd answer a question in the same episode it is introduced. I guess that's what keeps us lemmings coming back, though.

----------------

I got my Biggest Loser workout DVD yesterday. Haven't even cracked the plastic yet. I wonder when I'll get around to that . . . Probably when all of the Valentine's candy and cupcakes are gone.

----------------

Yesterday was so nice that when the kids got home I sent them outside to play. They have created a little "village" of sorts out in the woods next to the house. They call it Roxenboxen after a book Mom has at her house about some kids who made a city out of boxes and things lying around. It's a cute, captivating book, so the kids decided they needed a Roxenboxen of their own. It was starting to get dark so I went out to holler them in. Kady was closest and came running. Just seeing her little ponytail with the red ribbon in it flying out behind her and her little pink jacket falling off her shoulder made me literally catch my breath at the wonder of being a parent. She was just so amazing in that moment. She came through the gate and ran toward me with her arms out. I scooped her up and smelled her neck - that little kid playing outside smell - and she giggled. My gosh, I was so in love with her. When Sam saw me kissing and swinging her around he hit the gate in a dead run right at me. I put Kady down and held my arms out for him. I did the same thing - scooped him up and buried my face in his neck. He giggled and kissed my cheek. Abby came sauntering through the gate and smiled at me, but didn't break into a run and come at me with arms open. She did, however, as she got closer, walk a little faster and when she reached me she threw her arms around me and squeezed for all she was worth. She's nearly as tall as I am and it makes me sad to think that my days of her running at me and being scooped up and swung around are probably over. I rested my chin on the top of her head and she giggled. We walked to the house, her arm around my waist, my arm around her shoulder, the other two running around us, whooping and hollering. So maybe I can't pick her up and spin her around anymore . . . but I think I might like the next phase just as much.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Top Ten Tuesday

I haven't done this in awhile, so it may not go well. In fact, I'm typing and have no clue as to what the list is actually going to be. Talk about flying by the seat of your pants.

The Top Ten Things That Made Me Tired Today

1. Staying out way too late last night. Not only did I leave the casino later than usual, but Mom, Tater and I went to Wal*Mart. I can get in and out of Wal*Mart without kids in 20 minutes if I'm just picking up a few things. If I go after Ladies' Night with Mom and Tater it's at least an hour and a half ordeal. But we had fun, so it wasn't painful.

2. Having pre-Valentine's Day sex that was actually on Valentine's Day, but I knew I'd be tired to night and I was already up last night (or actually this morning...) and figured I might as well.

3. Loading 1200 boxes of Girl Scout cookies into my van last night and then unloading them this morning before I could even think about taking Kady and Chandler to Lab School.

4. The first day of Lab School this semester. Complete with new parents who were just a little too Country Club for me with their fancy schmancy clothes and cars and perfect Stepford children.

5. Losing $13 at Quapaw Casino this morning. It was Free Play Day, but losing their free $10 wasn't enough for me so I donated $13 more. Yep, I'm pretty kind.

6. Not eating anything until noon except for one of CBG's momma's amazing Snickerdoodles that the woman has now made for me TWICE and I really want to marry her so maybe she'll make me cookies more often. Except we're both already married. And we're not gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

7. Attending not one, but two Valentine's Day parties at the kids' school today. I enjoyed it, since I haven't been to a school party all year, but they're exhausting. And Third Grade smells like BO. Oh, and First grade smells like farts, too. However, when I stopped into Starlit's room I discovered that Kindergarten smells GOOD!! I'm not sure what kind of air freshener she uses, but third grade could really use some.

8. The infernal wind that blew all freakin' day long. Omg, I feel like my hair has been put in a Cuisinart. Not to mention that layer of dust that's coating my entire body.

9. Counting and loading the majority of the 1200 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that were in my living room into parent's vehicles. Once Riley picked up hers we could sit on the couch again. Once Mattie got hers we could watch TV. I'm already sick of looking at cookies and am so tired that I haven't even opened a box of Thin Mints yet.

10. Breathing. Right now, at this moment, it is taking every ounce of energy I have to even exist. Today was long, exhausting and stressful, yet I can't seem to figure out where it actually went.


If I weren't so tired I'd go ahead and get a jumpstart on the whining for tomorrow. But instead I'm going to bed. Who the hell cares that it's 8:14.

'Pert Near Five Years

It's been nearly five years since my last post, and even that was a repost from my newspaper column. I think you can attribute it to wri...