Monday, August 03, 2009

Extreme Home Makeover: Redneck Edition

Last Wednesday was the first day of Amish Window Installation '09. It's Monday of the following week and we're still in the midst of the saga. This is rivaling Lonesome Dove.

If you'll remember, when they first came to bid on the job, Kady asked why there was a leprechaun in our yard. Well, for the past week our yard has been brimming with the little guys. Wednesday it was just Raymond, Big Bad Leprechaun Daddy, and his 14 year old boy, Jedidiah, Thursday they were rained out, Friday they called in reinforcements and brought Toby to frame my bay window. Okay, so technically that's only three leprechauns, but when you're used to only rednecks, three seems like a lot.

They are not as hardcore Amish as I expected them to be, to be honest. I knew they had a phone and I knew they had power tools, but apparently they have a freezer somewhere, too, because Abby offered them all a popsicle and Raymond commented, "Yeah, these are good. My little girls love them. We keep them for them all the time." I know they can have the power tools and a phone in their workshops as long as they do not have them in their home, so evidently they have a freezer, too. If an Amish woman were smart, she'd put a washing machine in that workshop, too. I mean, heck, for that matter, I'd live in the workshop. But that's just me.

I also have come to the conclusion that hormones is hormones, be ye Amish, Baptist or even northwest Arkansas Duggar. Ab is on the cusp of teenagehood and at 5'4" she's long-legged and dang cute. I sincerely think young Jedidiah would risk a shunning in order to get a shot at my daughter. Bless his little heart, he watches her walk through the house, even though he thinks no one notices. He blushes when she brings him a drink. It is absolutely adorable. I asked her if she'd be interested in being Amish after watching him stare at her all day Friday. Her eyes got huge and she said, " I just got a Twitter account. I'm not giving it up."

They have a driver since they're all horse and buggy-fied and driving here from Chetopa, KS, in a buggy would take all day, they get around faster in a truck driven by someone else. Their driver is a royal pain in the rear, too. He is an obnoxious know-it-all and I say that as nicely as I possibly can. He began grating on my nerves the second he set foot on our property that first morning. The Amish themselves, however, are polite and gracious and appreciative and absolutely and utterly meticulous in their work. I don't know how they put up with him. Mom suggested that maybe he is their mission. They must be very devout in their mission. I'd have done lost it all over him by now.

We've been blessed with some cooler weather lately, but still, working outside in your hand-made denim drawers and suspenders has to be hot work, so I made some lemonade Wednesday morning. I made lemonade instead of sweet tea simply because I wasn't sure how they felt about caffeine - it's just so sinful, ya know. Just ask the Mormons. I was trying to accomodate, really I was. I mean, I was already offending them by wearing shorts and makeup, so I was trying to be nice by offering a nice, non-sinful beverage like homemade lemonade.

I stepped out onto the porch and asked if anyone would like some lemonade. Raymond and his boy nodded appreciatively, but old Driver Jim opened his big ol' mouth and loudly asked, "You got any Mountain Dew?" I blinked a few times at his brazen question. I mean, that whole gift horse and its mouth thing, ya know, but after I recovered I said through gritted teeth, "Well, actually yes, I do have some Mountain Dew. Would you like some?" He shook his head, hocked a big ol' loogie from the back of his throat, spit onto my porch and said, "Nope. But the Amish? They really like that stuff. Oh yes...the Amish love the Dew." The Amish love the Dew? Are you freakin' kiddin' me? That was a statement I never dreamed I'd hear in my life. I nearly fell in the floor laughing. But I brought those fellas some Dew and they were incredibly appreciative. Hey, anyone who can pull off suspenders in an ensemble can have my Dew any time. God love 'em. Driver Jim got lemonade. He is not Dew-worthy.

My bay window in the bedroom has given them serious fits and they have worked hours and hours and hours on it. It is GORGEOUS. I cannot wait to take pictures. I may carry one in my wallet to show off to people in Walmart or old classmates I haven't seen in a decade or so. "'s our youngest Kady. She's in 2nd grade. This is the kids last Christmas. Oh and here? Yes, that's my bay window. We're so proud. It's just gorgeous, isn't it? We never thought we'd be this lucky."

I have been a little grumpy since the whole process started. I've had a raging kidney infection (possibly a stone trying to make an appearance, perish the thought) on top of my peri-menopausal PMS that sucks my will to live once a month. Because of the perpetual nature of the kidney infection that has been ever-present for two weeks now, I also picked last week to drastically - DRASTICALLY, PEOPLE - reduce my caffeine intake. We've been without air conditioning since they create gigantic holes in my walls the entire time they're here and the electric bill is high enough as it is. And the flies. Oh. My. Gosh. The flies. They are kamikaze, ravenous, flesh-eating flies, too. And because my house is all open and stuff the crazy flies are all up in our business. Wednesday Tater decided to move a kidney stone of her own. AND? My 89 year old Nana was admitted to the ICU on the verge of The Big One. It was a week to forget.

I woke up this morning at 5 to get ready for their arrival at 6 and decided that kidneys be danged, I needed coffee. Paul and I spent a few precious, quiet moment visiting over coffee then it was off to grab a shower, move the washing machine and dining room table, wake up Ab since they were going to start in her room, say my morning prayers (Sis had her kidney stone busted up this morning) and mentally prepare myself for the arrival of Driver Jim and his merry band of leprechauns. They drove up, got out of the truck and ol' Toby sat his stainless steel insulated mug of coffee on the pickup bed and stretched.

The Amish not only love the Dew, but also apparently they're suckers for a good dark roast in the morning as well.


Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

I am really curious to know more about the Amish. Coffee? Mountain Dew? A freezer?? What's up with all this? It doesn't fit with what I thought Amish people were about, which was basically not having anything-- especially electricity. I want to know where they draw the line on the modern conveniences.

Kady's response to whether she'd become Amish for the boy was hilarious.

Oh, and I know how you feel having DRASTICALLY reduced your caffeine intake. I tried to cut it out completely when I got pregnant, and nearly died. The doctor told me not to be so extreme about it, so I started drinking 1 cup of coffee every morning and a little bit of Diet Coke in the afternoon. That was still a big reduction, but kept me from going into a coma. Good luck with that kidney thing.

Cedric said...

If it weren't for that whole "religion" thing. I'd have turned amish years ago. Sounds like a pretty sweet gig. Except for, you know, the church 5 times a week.

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