Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Oh what a beautiful morning

5:30 - "Why don't you staaaaaaay with me...." Frickin' frackin' alarm.....where's the frickin' frackin' button? Stop singing you stupid country singer.....ah, peace.


5:37 - "Why don't you staaaaaaay with me..." Ah, ha, stopped you before you went further in your stupid mushy love song because I slept the last 7 minutes with my cell phone in my hand. HA! I beat you stupid country singer alarm.


5:39 - AGH! I dozed off! Must. Get. Up. Dude, it's hot in here.....and I need caffeine.....too hot for coffee.......sweet tea it is......


5:40 - Shhh, Kristin! Open the tea bag slowwwly.....open microwave quietly....it's too dang early for those kids to be up.....dangit! Why can't they make microwaves with quiet doors?


5:42 - Guess I'll unload the dishwasher while the tea brews......man, I gotta pee.....no, if I flush it will wake up the kids.....why does flushing wake up children? Raging thunderstorms don't wake them up, but a flushing toilet will.....weird kids..... Oh bless Abby's heart, she unloaded the dishwasher last night. I sure love that kid. Well, I should load it back up.....AGH! Stupid loud dinging bell on microwave! But...the tea's done....Where's that pitcher......ah, put up, how novel.....Man, even the sugar container is loud this morning.....one scoop.....two scoops......(yawn)......two scoops.....three scoops......oh heck, half of another won't hurt, might even help....stir, stir, stir.....seems like there's a lot of sugar in there..... Ice, I need ice.....ice, ice, baby (does Vanilla Ice impersonation in middle of kitchen) Shhh, giggling will wake up children.......Dude, ice is LOUD......drop ice softly.......killing me softly with his song.....what a stupid song......Okay, tea pouring.......wow, that's sweet......


5:50 - Where are my white panties? Gotta wear white panties with white pants......is it too late in the year for white pants? Screw it, I'm wearing white pants......black sandals, though.....is it too late in the year for sandals? Who cares, it's hot......No, those aren't white, those are purple....where's the flashlight? Great, flashlight, no batteries......Okay, if these aren't the white ones I'm wearing them anyway......


5:54 - Turn on shower......ha, that's the only thing I'm turning on these days....Poor Paul.....he's a saint, that man.......Oooh, gotta peeeeeee! Don't flush, don't flush, don't flush......


5:56 - Water cold, better leave it, probably the only time today I'll be cool.......I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair, hee hee, 'cept I don't use shampoo, so technically I'll condition that man right outta my hair.......dang, I'm out of shower gel.......Iew, that soap smells like butt! How does it smell good on Paul and smell that bad in here? Bleh. Okay, guess I'll use Baby Magic Baby Wash, I need to be babied today.......mmmmm, smells like babies.....hmh, wonder if Alyssa's gonna have that baby today? Storm front moving in, good chance......Oh crap, don't forget to shave, you're wearing capris......where's the razor? Ah, wayyyyy up there, how'd it get up there? Either someone's been using my razor or I put it up there to hide it and just forgot.....Hmh, no foreign hairs.......Think I'll use Abby's raspberry shave gel.......I hate raspberries.....I hate shaving......la, la, la, la......Okay, agh, better get movin', shaving takes a long time, no wonder I don't do it anymore.......


6:20 - Ten minutes till time to get the kids up......oh my gosh, it's freakin' HOT in here.......if I fan the door will it wake up the kids? Oh heck, who cares, I'm going to die if I don't get some cool air......whew......Man, I don't wanna go to work today...... So much algebra to do...... Hopefully someone will barf before 7am........Crap, only enough deodorant for one pit? Where's that thing of Secret......ah, one pit smells like Oriental somethingorother and one pit smells like baby powder, sweet.......Perfume.........moisturizer......... Good gosh, need. more. airrrrrrr......


6:27 - "Well, good morning, TotOne....whatcha need?" "Need to pee." "Alrighty then, have fun with that." "Aunt Kiki, when will my momma be here?" "Some time before the bus runs, she's brining you some clothes." "Okay. You smell good." "Thanks, angel. I always knew you were my favorite."

6:30 - "WAKE UUUUUP, CHILLLLLDRENNNNNNN!!" Heehee, it is wrong that I find humor in blinding children with their lights in the morning? Yeah, I think it is. But it's so much fun! "Boys! No you CANNOT pee at the same time and no, son, you can't just pee in the bathtub!" Boys are sooooo strange.....Paul would ask the same thing, though.....males in general are strange..... "Kady, honey, get dressed. You can play Polly Pockets tonight. Abby, are you moving? Good. BOYS STOP WRESTLING!!" My gosh, they've been up 5 minutes and they're wrestling already....

6:45 - "Pauuuuullllll, wake uuuuuup! Ooh, how can you be covered up to your ears in that blanket, honey? It's hot! No, no one's barfing and if anyone does, I get dibs on staying home with 'em. Get up." Back to put on makeup........concealer.....LOTS of concealer......when did those circles under my eyes get so dark? Okay, maybe blush will take away from the circles.....woah, too much blush, now I look like a prostitute......de-blush! de-blush! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! "BOYS! IF YOU TOUCH EACH OTHER AGAIN I WILL BEAT YOU UNTIL YOU CRY!" Eyeliner.....eyeshadow......mascara will have to wait, it's too hot in here....."Paul, don't tell me you need in here to shower!" "Uh, yeah." "WHY didn't you do that last night after the kids went to bed? You can't shower in here, sorry. Go to Ab's bathroom. You'll smell like raspberries all day." "Aunt Kiki? Why did Uncle Pa-Paul kick that pile of laundry in the hall?" "Oh, because maybe it just looked like it needed to be kicked." Or maybe it looked like me and oooh yeah, he's mad. He really should've showered last night....doofus....


6:55 - "YAYA!!" "TotOne, TotTwo! Get up here and get dressed!" "Good morning, sister." (unintelligible grunt) "Kady! Hair! Now! Abby I'm plugging in the straightening iron, put on your earrings somewhere ELSE, child! KADY! HAIR! NOWWW! Paul, just because I don't have a shirt on does not mean I'm advertising anything. I means I'm hot. Get!"

7:05 - "ABBY!! HAIR! Did you wash your hair last night? It doesn't look too clean. *sigh*"

7:10 - "KIDS! Get your backpacks! SHOES, Kady! You have to wear shoes and yes, they have to match. Sam, you do NOT need a jacket, boy! TotTwo, quit touching your cousin!! Tater, go on, I have things completely under control here."

7:15 - "Mawwwwwm! Can we go now?" "NO! It's 20 minutes until the bus comes. Go play. TotOne, don't kiss the dog. Go wash your hands........ with soap! BOYS STOP KICKING EACH OTHER!"

7:20 - I need a drink, sweet tea ain't cuttin' it this morning....

7:25 - "Kids, go on down the driveway. And stay out of the road, k? HUGS! You can't leave without hugging me! I love you!" "WE LOVE YOU!"

7:30 - Well, no one barfed. Guess I have to go to work.....Okay, bus, where are you? I'll put some lotion on my horribly dry, but freshly shaved, raspberry-smelling legs while I wait.....oh yeah, I see razor burn in my future......ooh, good, the bus.....okay, don't forget mascara.....ooh wow, my hair dried.....I look like Phyllis Diller.......where's that spray bottle......product, product and more product.....I'm the poster child for hair product......WHY IS IT SO HOT IN HERE? I think I'm going through the change.....maybe I should go back to bed......


7:50 - I love hairspray. My life would be so incomplete without hairspray. I bet the pilgrims had bad hair.


8:00 - Earrings.....where's my watch.....forget the watch......perfume......still too much blush, might as well go stand on a street corner as much blush as I have on......oh yeah, mascara......more hairspray......ooh, gotta go clean my glasses now, that last spray was kinda wild.....

8:05 - Man, I wish someone had barfed this morning..... guess I'll do algebra until time to go......now I think I'm gonna barf......if I skip the algebra I'll have time to get a coffee before work.......no, better do the algebra, tonight's the premiere of Cavemen and heaven forbid I miss that......why did I ever admit I was going to watch Cavemen on my blog?

5 comments:

Queen Of Cheese said...

If that is what mornings are like BEFORE 6:57 a.m. I want no part of it. The weird thing....I have to be at work at 8:00 and I still get all of that accomplished just at a much faster speed and if someone should take a step out of place the whole system is screwed. I admire you for your humor in it, I rarely see humor until noon, if then.

Stewed Hamm said...

There's a joke in there about doing more by 9:00 AM than most people do all day, but with your luck, it's probably about de-blushing or praying for barf.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

Wore me out.

Jennifer McKenzie said...

OMG!!!!! THAT IS HILARIOUS! Thank you. I thought I was the only one. This is exactly what my mornings sound like.
Except I pee anyway and I don't flush.
I've been known to wake up at 5am to have a few minutes of peace and quiet. And I'm NOT a morning person.
Great post. Thank you.

jusdealem said...

Girl, you make me LOL :)