Friday, October 12, 2007

DEFCON, dudes

According to Wikipedia:

"DEFCON 5:
This is the condition used to designate normal
peacetime military readiness. An upgrade in military preparedness is typically
made by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and announced by the United
States Secretary of Defense
."

In other words, hang out, smoke 'em if you got 'em, chillllll and maybe take a nap or something.

"DEFCON 1:
This refers to maximum readiness. It is not certain whether this has ever been used, but it is reserved for imminent or ongoing attack on US military forces or US territory by a foreign military power. Use of nuclear missiles is authorized. "

In other words, HOLY SHIT, DUDES, ARE ARE ABOUT TO BE F'ED UP BEYOND BELIEF!!!

Also notice, "Use of nuclear missiles is authorized."


Right now, the state of things here at Diva Central is DEFCON 1 - we are mere hours away from being invaded by 10 - count 'em, TEN - 9, 10 and 11 year old little girls. Did you read that? Are you comprehending what I wrote? TEN PRE-HORMONAL LITTLE GIRLS. IN MY HOUSE. I have prepared the nuclear missiles and napalm. You know, just in case.

I was totally smoking one of them mary jane cigarettes the day I agreed to this.

I sent out a letter to the parents in the invitations basically letting them know that Paul and I are normal people and not axe murderers, involved in organized crime, nor are we mimes. (Yes, I really put that in the letter. Abby said it was a huge hit with the moms, btw.) I let the parents know that if they wanted to meet us beforehand, all they had to do was call. Hey, I wouldn't let my kid go to a home where I don't know the parents and I don't expect them to either. Most of the girls, I know their moms, but a few I didn't. When I made phone calls the other night one mom took me up on the offer to meet me beforehand.

That is why I cleaned house in nice clothes and makeup this morning. Normally I clean house in my pajamas. Wait, I don't normally clean house.

Part of me is actually looking forward to tonight - the part of me that still remembers my first slumber party in the 5th grade and how we drank "suicides" of various sodas out of baby bottles (*sigh* yes....real baby bottles) and watched a slasher movie that was probably WAY too graphic for a bunch of 10 and 11 year olds. It's also the part of me that also remembers the slumber party I had when we were Sophomores in high school and we made a "commercial" for a workout video and the party our Junior year where we did a spoof on "Wayne's World" and yes, if I ever get them digitized you can bet I'm going to post it because they are totally that funny.

I guess it's the little girl in me that is looking forward to tonight.

But the mom in me, the responsible adult in me - the woman in me who has cleaned her house from top to bottom because what if the girls' moms quiz them over the state of cleanliness in my bathroom, then by cracky I better be reported about glowingly, dammit - is looking forward to this like I look forward to pap smears and dental appointments and most country music.




So it's a good thing the little girl is stronger today. I have slept in my rattiest pajamas all week so that my new pinky striped pj pants will be clean for tonight. Chances are, I will be banished out here to my office and will not be invited to partake of the giggling and make up'ing and only God knows what else, but I'll be ready. Just in case.

4 comments:

Debb said...

Did that not too long ago when my Okie Girl turned 12. Soon she'll be 13 & i am terrified. I know my house will soon be invaded by hormonal teenagers. (shudder)
Pray for me will ya?

Sam said...

You are a strong woman. I bow down to you. I momentarily thought about a slumber party for the Chicken, and then I chickened out. We're going to an amusement park instead, and he is bringing ONE friend. Because I'm weak.

GoingLikeSixty.com said...

This could keep you in posts for a couple weeks!
Enjoy!
Remember: YOU ARE THE MOM!

Anonymous said...

LOL I have 5 granddaughters 5 and under, I can't wait!!!!!!!