Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Phone conversation between Sam and I while I was in Florida:

Me: So why did you want to call me, sweetie? Did you just miss me?

Sam: I watched Parent Trap last night, Mom!

Me: Oh yeah? I bet that was good.

Sam: Yeah, it was. Have you ever seen it?

Me: Well, I saw the old one, the one that starred Hayley Mills. It was a long time ago.

Sam: Well, this one stars Lindsey Lohan ....... and Lindsey Lohan. Mom? How'd they find two of her?

Me: Son.....I'm not entirely sure. I'd think one was enough.


Conversation after a very long day in Disney-MGM Studios:

Tater: Oh crap.

Me: What?

Tater: I accidentally brought my too-small pajama pants and left my too-big and comfortable pajama pants at home!

Me: Oh no! But tell me, why did you buy the too-small ones anyway?

Tater: They were only like, $2!!!

Me: Yeah, but you have like, a $4 butt, sweetie.


Conversation while waiting for the timeshare bus to pick us up:

Tater: Yeah, that salesman told me he's worked in the park since he was 15.

Me: Wow. I'm not sure I could handle that much happiness for so long.

Mom: Oh, I'd love to work here!

Tater: He also said that he was "really good friends with Prince Charming, if you know what I mean". (She did the finger quotation marks beside her head thing and nodded while she said it.)

Me: Oh yeah? Forget the princesses, eh?

Mom: You mean, he was Prince Charming?

Me: *snickering*

Tater: Mom. No. He means he was really good friends with Prince Charming.

Mom: His best friend was Prince Charming?

Me: Mom, he and Prince Charming liked to share that "special hug".

Tater: Mom, when two princes love each other very much.....

Mom: Ohhhhhhhhhh......I get it, I get it.

Tater: It's about time.


We were about to enter the line for Tower of Terror and Mom said to the Cast Member standing there, "This is my favorite ride!"

The guy cocked his head to one side and said, "Are you talking about me?"


You might be a redneck if you are on the bullet-shaped indoor train car of horror in the Atlanta airport and when the electronic voice says, "The next stop is Concourse B. B as in Bravo" you think it says, "B as in backhoe."


We were an hour away from having to leave the park on Sunday in order to shuttle back to the hotel to catch our Magical Express bus (Something that you simply MUST do if you visit Disney - take the Magical Express. Trust me.) when I got a sudden urge for McDonald's fries, which they sell in kiosks around the park because it truly is The Happiest Place on Earth. (The only thing that would make it happier is if it rained chocolate on the hour, every hour.) While I was in line to get my fries, Mom and Tater struck up a conversation with the guy (aka: Prince Charming's boyfriend) from Disney Vacation Club - fancy title aside: timeshare.

I guess before the trip, Tater and Bub had actually discussed purchasing a timeshare and wanted to look into one associated with Disney. The salesman was quick to assure us that even though we were on a very strict time constraint that it wouldn't be a problem since we were so interested in purchasing our very own piece of Disney. I just ate my Fries of Happiness and said nothing. I was too happy. If they were offering me unlimited Fries of Happiness I would've been totally on board, but as it was, owning a piece of real estate in The Magic Kingdom wasn't on my agenda. I was along for the ride.

They bussed us to the resort and gave us free cookies. They weren't Cookies of Happiness, but they were Pepperidge Farm and that was close. We waited. And waited. We reminded the guy at the front desk that we had a time constraint, he assured us that someone would be with us shortly. I nearly fell asleep with my feet up on the coffee table, all relaxed in a big ol' comfy chair. (Hey, I normally don't put my feet up on the furniture, but the dude that took us in the room specifically said to put our feet up, so who was I to not comply?) Finally, Anne the saleslady from England, literally ran into our little room. She introduced herself and sat down to begin her very abbreviated schpiel, the brevity of which she was none too happy about.

She threw numbers at us, I tried to focus my eyes, but they were involuntarily closing. I was wishing for more cookies. I was wishing for a bed. I was not wishing for timeshare talk. I sat up straight and on the edge of my chair, resting my chin on my hand in an attempt to make myself look more interested and to wake myself up some. At that point in her song and dance she said, "So now, ladies, I notice it's just the three of you. You obviously left your husbands at home." She looked at Mom and Tater sitting on the couch and said, "Tater, you have a husband, right? Mom, do you have a husband?" Tater nodded and Mom replied, "I'm single." She nodded, then looked at me and said, "And Diva, you left your...... partner at home?" As she asked this she was looking me up and down - I guess the black t-shirt and camouflage pants I was wearing were leading her to think I was more interested in the Princesses than Prince Charming. Talk about stereotyping. I wasn't offended really........just slightly amused and perplexed. Of course, after the matchbox airplane seatbelt debacle I knew better than to look across at Mom and Tater. I knew that we'd all three dissolve into laughter.

We were running so behind due to the magical timeshare talk that we didn't have much time to think of anything more than getting to the Magical Express and then to the airport, so it wasn't until we were sitting at the Outback in the airport that I asked, "Okay, so was it just me or did anyone else get the impression that she thought I was....." Tater, without looking up from her food said, "Gay? Oh yeah. She had you pegged as a lesbian from the get-go."

Then Tater said, "You're looking a little Goth these days, too. You need some highlights in that jet black hair of yours, lesbian sister of mine." I was stunned. I thought everyone was adjusting nicely to my hair and now I find out that I need highlights? I said, "Oh come on I really need highlights, Mom?" Her reply, "Welllllllllllll......" So turns out I look scary, too.

Of course, I couldn't let it go and said, "Do I really look like a dyke? I mean, I'm not and I'm not going for that look either, not that there's anything wrong with that." Tater said, "Oh just roll with it." I looked at her over my glasses.

The flight from Atlanta to Tulsa had two of us sitting together and one of us in the row behind, across the aisle. Turns out that the single person was me. Tater said, "Switch tickets with me and I'll sit by myself." I said, "Oh, I don't mind sitting by myself. I mean, no, people don't like sitting next to the fat chick, but they'll just have to get over it." Tater reached for my ticket and held hers out to me, replying, "It's not the fact that you're fat, it's the fact that you're a scary Goth in camouflage." I guess she wasn't wanting to add to the high terror alert on September 10th.


Carmel said...

That post was hilarious. I'm laughing WITH you. Post a pic of the new haircolor --- oh wait, we get to see you soon for Round-up! Can't wait.

Queen Of Cheese said...

When Sis and I went to Vegas my hair was cut short and spikey, I was worried people would think we were a couple! She's soooo not my type!!!!!

Betty said...

I can sooooo relate to the last post and this one, when you talk about "extensions", and hair color. I turned up at work one Monday, proud of my newly colored hair, and the receptionist said, "Did you pay money for that?" Ruined my day.

Cazzie!!! said...

I love your snippets of converstaion, you all sounded like you had a great time.
Bugger other know your own gender identity, so if they think youre lesbo then so be it..stick with the hair and the clothes you like Diva!! So long as you are happy :)

Hillbilly Mom said...

Make sure you don't wear flannel shirts this winter. That was the uniform of choice for all the college 'friends of Sappho' back in my day.

Your mom's lack of understanding of the 'close personal friend' of Prince Charming reminds me of comedian Kathleen Madigan's story about her mother. "When my mom sees two women holding hands, she's not sure if they're lesbians, or if one of them is blind."

Anonymous said...

You know, the Baptists boycotted Disney for a while because they had the audacity to give employee health benefits to your kind. Say it loud, say it proud, Sista!!

Kellyology said...

Oh Lord I'm so glad you're back! You're stories always have me rolling, you great big Goth in camo lesbo!

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