Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Chocolate-fueled Christmas List

I just devoured the last Hershey bar left over from all the bonfires we had in October and I'm in a Christmas-y, happy, giving mood now, so I'm going to make up my "This Is What I'd Get You For Christmas, My Dear Blogfriends, If I Wasn't So Dadgum Broke" List.

For Jennifer, I'd get you a SpongeBob DVD - one that includes the episode where he rips his pants. And just because I love you so much, I'd also get you the Ripped Pants! SpongeBob toy, too. Merry Christmas, my ripped-panted friend. (OOh and look - it's 17% off!)


For Mrs. Coach, my dear, I'd not give you cheese, even though you are Hillbilly Mom's Ambassador of Cheese. I figure you've got all the curdled dairy product you need. Instead, I'd give you a roll of bubble wrap. I figure it's due time for you to break another limb, so wrapping yourself in bubble wrap just might help you avoid tragedy.


Small Town Starlit, aka Cousin Courtney, I've thought long and hard about this one and I've decided I'd get you your very own red carpet. You need it! You could roll it out in the living room or the back yard and practice your red carpet walk, girl! Then when your big day comes and you're walking the red carpet in Hollywood, you wouldn't be nervous at all! Oh I'd also throw in a karaoke machine. You seemed to like ours so much, you should have one of your own!


Brian . . . Buddy, you'd get an apple martini. And I hope you and I can actually share a few together next fall.


Hillbilly Mom, you are a hard woman to pretend-buy for! I considered some kind of green shirt, but realized I didn't know your size. And really, there's nothing better than the original, right?

So then I started considering some kind of John Grisham novel, like The Last Juror, since you seem to be drawn to the courtroom as of late.

But you really don't seem to be enjoying your adventures into the judicial system all that much.

I think I'd just get you some Mountain Dew and call it good.


Dave in Ardmore, you'd get that pot of chili and a six-pack.

Your darling wife would get a Buffalo Run Casino gift certificate.


April, honey, you'd get a bottle of Beano, because you yourself have admitted to being a casino farter. I'd also FINALLY give you some free cheese. But you'd have to be quiet about it - Mrs. Coach gets all up in a tizzy if you go stepping around her offical Ambassador of Cheese title.


MamaKBear, you would get a purple sombrero for sure. And I'd even donate some of my kids' very own Teeny Beanie Bears to add to her personal collection. It's not really re-gifting, per se . . .

And while I'm at it, I'd buy you a shot of tequila AND a margarita, girl!
Just because this is my own pretend Christmas list and I can do stuff like that.


Especially for you, Jerzee Grrl, I would go to the salon and pick out a super fabulous pink hair dye, wrap it all up with a boat load of pink curly ribbon and pink wrapping paper and set that Pepto Pink package under the tree. Then I'd stand back and watch your face.

Then I'd surprise you with maid service for six months so you could relax after your big move. And all that pink hair dye.


Irish Divinity, you would get to have ME as your babysitter!

Oh wait. You're already going to have that.

Hmmm . . . Okay, so how about some Breathe Right nasal strips? I hear that you snore. (heehee)

I'd also give you Trace Adkins. Because hey, I'm sure you'd do the same thing for me if you were making a pretend Christmas list.



And that's it. I'm pretend Christmas'd out.

Happy Christmas to all of my blogfriends!!!


Hillbilly Mom said...

How very thoughtful of you. I love my green shirt. I do read John Grisham, and I can take him to court with me on the 13th and 14th. Maybe I can get a disqualification and have a real day off. The Mountain Dew I will have to hide from the kids. You know it's like crack for hillbilly young'uns.

Dave's gift reminds me of the time I dressed up like a can of Coors Light for Halloween. I would post a picture of it, but evil Rebecca would use it for her own profit.

MamaKBear said...

Awwwwww! You're so sweet to think of me!! (even if it is a pretend list!)

Those would all be perfect gifts! Especially the tequila shot and margarita...someday we'll share lunch and margaritas. That'd be fun!

~ A P R I L ~ said...

You're just now finishing off that chocolate from Hoover's Haunted Hayrides? Wow... That's incredible! LOL

Awe Diva, you're too kind with your Christmas gifts! Actually, I've been down the Beano path and and it Beano help. I'll always be a casino farter. Queen Flatulence, yes, that is me. Oh, as for the cheese..... I have been promised it for so long I know it'll never happen. It'll be just another pipe dream. I'm just not gouda 'nuff for the gouda stuff. hehehehe Maybe Mrs. Coach will brie-ng me some free cheese some day. I'm sure it'll make my day more cheddar, er um, better.

Queen Of Cheese said...

I could have used a cheese slicer, but bubble wrap will do! I thoroughly enjoyed a broken limb last year, it kept me from cooking Christmas dinner! This year I'm thinking of flinging myself off the roof, my sister will be home and I sure do like the Vicodin, Bendaryl, Margarita cocktails my mother fixes me when my sister is home!

Queen Of Cheese said...

And now.......just like our kids would point out..........how come everyone else got TWO presents and I only got ONE???????????????

Redneck Diva said...

HillbillyMom-I read one Grisham novel and it was okay, but the second one I tried to read just didn't do it for me. I'll stick to Dr. Seuss I guess. The pictures amuse me.

I would SO enjoy seeing the picture of you as a can of beer. But I do realize that Rebecca can be inherently evil and I understand your reasons for not sharing.

MamaK-While I'm not a big fan of maragaritas myself, I am a big fan of lunch! All of us NE Okie are going to have to travel down your way for a Saturday girl's day out soon!!

April-You must have some serious gas there, girl! It's worked great for us. Of course, we may just have really wimpy gas, lol.

The cheese-pun sentence was SO corny! I loved it!

Recklace-He's a big boy - there should be plenty of him to go around. At least, I hope so. I was kind of counting on Divinity sharing him with me as well!

Dave-Hey, I'm still hoping that one day we actually will get to share some chili and that your wife will show me her gambling secrets!

Mrs.-Ooh a holiday roof fling! If you decide to go ahead with this plan, would you let me know so I can come watch? There's nothing like witnessing a good injury here at the holidays.

Alright ya big baby, I'll get you TWO rolls of bubble wrap! Geesh.

Redneck Diva said...

Jersey-The pink hair dye was because of ol' Stinky Pink that was giving you fits in the old office! Have you repressed the memory of her already? lol

Oooh a pretend Lane Bryant gift card?!?!? I'm so excited! Now I can buy lots of pretend panties and bras! And yes, while you're at it, PLEASE call those people and have them build closer to me - I'd LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!

Politically Homeless said...

Thanks for the apple martini. I'm counting on sharing one..or four with you.

Irish Divinity said...

Yeah, I'd defintely give you Trace for Christmas, but only if I'd get him back!!!!
Oh, but how so nice he does indeed look!

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