Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Career Options

Now, don't get me wrong - I love what I do. I love being a stay-at-home mom and right now babysitting my cousin's baby is the only job I want, but eventually the little guy has to go to school. I'm looking down the road like four years when I'll have a 16 year old, a 14 year old and God help us all, when Kady will be a tween.

When I grow up I want to be a doula.

I want to be the relative stranger in a room full of energy, emotion and excitement. I want to be the soothing voice in the midst of the cacophony. I want to the one in the room doing a Bill Cosby impersonation - "Push 'em out, push 'em out, wayyyyy out!" and get paid to do it. Yeah, I've decided I want to be a professional birthing coach.

I'll show up to my job in the wee hours of the morning with a birthing ball and Yanni CD, wearing my sweats, a sloppy ponytail and no makeup, but there nonetheless to make the birthing experience of my client the most memorable I can. I'll be in baby books all over - which is good since I haven't gotten around to putting any pictures in my own kids' baby books. I will be there to witness the miracle of life but my stretch marks will be a non-issue.

And if that doesn't work out I want to be a referee for WWE.

Seriously, those guys have THE best job. They stand in a ring with a bunch of hot, oiled up muscle-bound men, waving their arms and saying words no one can hear. Heck, for all we know they're reciting the Preamble to the Constitution or maybe even a poem they learned in Freshman English. No one pays a lick of attention to what they say but who cares? I'm getting really good at speaking and no one listening. Ask my kids. Wait. Don't bothering asking them - they won't listen.

Sure, professional wrestling refs occasionally take a folding chair to the face and sometimes get thrown out of the ring entirely but they do it with flair and it'll a small price to pay to get to holler meaningless words at Batista and feel like I'm doing my job and doing it well.

And the best part? You can't go wrong with vertical stripes.


Robin said...

I vote for the ref.
I know that all that fun of bringin' babies into the world, I was at the business end of my daughter when she gave birth to my first grandson.
Way cool.
So not cool!!!
There are just some things that a person should not see.

And when the midwife said, "Look Grandma! There's your grandson's head!! It's okay if you want to touch it."
To be the first to touch the baby's head!!
The other grandma was there exhub's wife...THE STEPMONSTER!!
I could beat her!!!

So pride took over...and I touch my grandson's head...despite where it was!! And how gross that whole area was....I did it!

I held him first.
Before his mother!!!
Yeah that may be better than a WWE Ref!

Traveling Spork said...

Diva! I didn't know you were in Miami?!?!? Look forward to meeting you tonight, as well. And, random fact time: the magic word to leave a comment for you is "Flarin." Nice.

Melessa Gregg said...

You want to practice your mad doula skills on me? I'm due at the end of July. I'm not sure that you want to be that up close and personal with me, I just think it would be fun to see you again and to get our kids together.

Carmel said...

LOL. I vote for the ref job too. It would be fun and you would be good at it. Most mothers -- with more than one child - have on the job training!

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