Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Redneck and Proud of It

We have the lowest package available on DishNetwork - the Family package. (Which doesn't include the kid-friendly Disney, go figure) While we get Nick, Boomerang, GAC and the Outdoor channel, we don't get CMT, the station that is home to My Big Redneck Wedding.

Remember back a few months ago I kept hinting around about a TV producer, audition tapes and other such silliness? Well, it was because a production assistant from Pink Sneaker Productions, the company in charge of producing such high-quality programming as My Big Redneck Wedding, I Love New York, MTV's Cribs, and Hogan Knows Best, among others, emailed and asked if we would consider auditioning for the upcoming holiday extravaganza My Big Redneck Christmas.

Well heck yes! I called all the folks from Mom's side of the family (even though Paul's family is WAY more redneck than us, they are considerably anti-social) and they were in so we got together, had a weenie roast one Sunday afternoon, filmed the hilarity (rednecks and weenies....imagine the conversations...) and sent off the tape with our redneck wishes and hillbilly dreams inside. The more time that went by we all assumed we didn't get on the show and frankly, I kind of forgot about it. Then one afternoon the production assistant called me to say she had just left a meeting where we had been declared the front-runners and they needed another tape ASAP. We made another tape, kicked things up a notch and sent it off again.

I had been told that filming would take place the first of November and the camera crew never showed up so we obviously didn't get on. Saturday I got a phone call from Cousin Courtney and Aunt Janet because they've got "big cable" and had watched My Big Redneck Christmas. Courtney said that even though she'd only caught the last 10 minutes of the premiere airing, she was really glad we didn't get on - she said the deep-fried possum was just too over the line for her. Aunt Janet's excited phone call was punctuated with my uncle's declarations in the background, "Those folks are professionals!" I guess the horseshoes played with toilet seats, the rolling junk cars down a hill to see whose would crash worse, positioning the yard reindeers in provocative positions and shooting the plastic Santa off the roof was what brought him to that decision.

Now, my mom has told me several times "Honey, you're just not as redneck as you think you are" but I disagree. For one thing, Jeff Foxworthy - who might as well be the Pope of All Things Redneck - defines the word redneck as "A glorious lack of sophistication." Now, we are gloriously unsophisticated, but we are not white trash. Oh yes, Virginia, there IS a difference. I think people have skewed the term redneck into hillbilly bordering on po' white trash and there's probably nothing all of us true rednecks can do about it. It's just that when people see shows like My Big Redneck... they are getting a false impression.

My hopes all along had been to get on the show and clarify this, but obviously they got wind of my conversation plans and nixed it in favor of the people who dangled a cigarette out of the mouth of the mounted deer head on the living room wall. Sorry, our deer is a non-smoker because of Kady's asthma.

Out of curiosity, I'd love to read comments from y'all giving me your personal idea of what a redneck reallly is. Do you think it's all mullets and wife beaters or is more duct tape and Southern engineering? Or maybe it's buying holiday centerpieces at a dollar store? Or possibly angel ornaments made out of tampons or tossing a hunk of roadkill into the turkey fryer around the holidays? Seriously, y'all, leave a comment and tell me

What Redneck Means To You.


Unknown said...

Shooting M80s (I think) into the ground instead of shooting fireworks INTO THE AIR...

Having a room solely devoted to the various heads of your hunting spoils - deer, elk, wild boar (aka, big, ol' ugly pig)...

Having a GINORMOUS (full) gun safe...

I'm sensing a pattern here, or just my parents' house!

(That would be in Alabama, and that alone may qualify us as rednecks - educated rednecks, but red nonetheless!)

Sam said...

When you stop watering the Christmas tree the day after Christmas to properly dry it out for New Year's Eve-at which point you wait until midnight and set it ablaze. Another Redneck Tradition from Chicken's Virginia Experiences.

Sam said...

And the difference to me between white trash and redneck is Chicken's father vs. Chicken's paternal grandmother. He's a redneck. She's TRASH.

Shannon said...

Angel ornaments out of tampons is just wrong (ever gone though purses you are no longer using for the last one in an emergency?). What happens when you realize he just used your last one to make an angel ornament? Now you are a woman with PMS, no tampons, and access to guns . . . what was he thinking?

Okie Rednecks said...


My christmas tree is redneck and my husband says that we better hope that we have boys 'cause a girl WILL NOT have a chance to be girly in our home.

I agree with the guns and all that stuff. But.... Instead of shooting each other with guns we have bottle rocket fights.

I love my redneck life!!!

Anonymous said...

You've met us right? Do I need to go any further? By the way...I still have cereal boxes and cool whip tubs for wrapping presents should you run short!

drunken spelling: oncerebd
guessing it's close to once rebelled lol

Anonymous said...

Oh girl! Do I have some redneck stories to tell! I am Mama Redneck around here! I have three adult boys who take pride in their redneck-ness and proudly teach their children the fine art of being a redneck! If "I'm fid-na stomp your head in the dirt" isn't yelled at least 10 times a day, something is BAD wrong. Oh and I can't forget our favorite saying..."You ain't from around here, are ya?".

My favorite redneck moment has to be when our sophisticated, city-fied, gaw-gous, 18 year old princess thinks we have way too many wasps and bees out here in the booney's and pulls out her .22 and starts picking the little boogers off...while they are in mid-flight, might I add! LOL...

You know what, I would much, much rather be in the company of a passle of rednecks that one uppity city-dweller! Just saying...

Bailey's Leaf said...

I'm from up north-- NE Ohio to be exact. We're really not in the area of redneck, though I'm certain that we have some. Oh, don't think I'm not saying that there aren't backwards folks up here. The ones here get termed as "white trash." Redneck is funny. White trash is not.

Redneck? Um, the sidewalks roll up at 5. Everyone has a front porch and sits and waves to EVERYONE that comes down the road, be it on foot, on critter or a variety of vehicles. We vacationed in WV a lot as a kid. A redneck thing that we saw was a tree stripped at the end of the road and that the folks strung their own phone line.

Mason jar glasses. Baby food jars with holes poked in the lids for salt and pepper shakers.

Nat'l Lampoons Christmas Vacation--the aunt's jello mold with cat food sprinkles. Redneck. Or at least I think. The cousin? Definitely redneck with those white shoes and the dark faux turtleneck under the white shirt.

This isn't a poking fun fest. You asked! I told!

Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

Hmmm... I agree that there's a difference between dubya tee and redneck, and I also agree with the previous poster that redneck is funny, and white trash is just plain sad.

I think being a redneck involves being innovative, sometimes out of necessity (mason jar glasses and baby food salt shakers, for example) and being dubya tee just involves being ignorant and apathetic, and sometimes dangerous. Dubya tees are confrontational and hostile, usually trying to get something for nothing. In fact, I just wrote a post about something a dubya tee did to me that involved a total lack of integrity.

Dubya tees seem not to care about themselves at all. Meth heads are dubya tees.

A decidedly dubya tee (and former meth head) acquaintance of mine has two teenage sons who regularly run around their house (um, I mean trailer) butt ass naked in front of their mother, and they also sleep in her bed sometimes. I'm sorry, but that's freakin' creepy. If you have pubes, it's time to put on some damn clothes and get in your own bed.

Another friend of mine said that when her son was young she would put him in a walker and tie the walker to the front porch while she mowed the lawn. THAT is redneck.

Dubya tees are dirty and hard to tolerate. Rednecks may not have sophistication, but we have integrity!

Carmel said...

There's certainly a difference -- ever watch Jerry Springer?

But, kiddo, I agree with your momma, I don't think you're as Redneck as you think you are.

Anonymous said...

Hi...I am very curious.Why is there a stereotype of all city people being elites?I was born in WV and I now live in the heavily populated Virginia Beach,Virginia and if there is one thing I know is there are good and bad people in rural areas and cities.Just because someone isnt a redneck does not make them an elite.

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