Remember back a few months ago I kept hinting around about a TV producer, audition tapes and other such silliness? Well, it was because a production assistant from Pink Sneaker Productions, the company in charge of producing such high-quality programming as My Big Redneck Wedding, I Love New York, MTV's Cribs, and Hogan Knows Best, among others, emailed and asked if we would consider auditioning for the upcoming holiday extravaganza My Big Redneck Christmas.
Well heck yes! I called all the folks from Mom's side of the family (even though Paul's family is WAY more redneck than us, they are considerably anti-social) and they were in so we got together, had a weenie roast one Sunday afternoon, filmed the hilarity (rednecks and weenies....imagine the conversations...) and sent off the tape with our redneck wishes and hillbilly dreams inside. The more time that went by we all assumed we didn't get on the show and frankly, I kind of forgot about it. Then one afternoon the production assistant called me to say she had just left a meeting where we had been declared the front-runners and they needed another tape ASAP. We made another tape, kicked things up a notch and sent it off again.
I had been told that filming would take place the first of November and the camera crew never showed up so we obviously didn't get on. Saturday I got a phone call from Cousin Courtney and Aunt Janet because they've got "big cable" and had watched My Big Redneck Christmas. Courtney said that even though she'd only caught the last 10 minutes of the premiere airing, she was really glad we didn't get on - she said the deep-fried possum was just too over the line for her. Aunt Janet's excited phone call was punctuated with my uncle's declarations in the background, "Those folks are professionals!" I guess the horseshoes played with toilet seats, the rolling junk cars down a hill to see whose would crash worse, positioning the yard reindeers in provocative positions and shooting the plastic Santa off the roof was what brought him to that decision.
Now, my mom has told me several times "Honey, you're just not as redneck as you think you are" but I disagree. For one thing, Jeff Foxworthy - who might as well be the Pope of All Things Redneck - defines the word redneck as "A glorious lack of sophistication." Now, we are gloriously unsophisticated, but we are not white trash. Oh yes, Virginia, there IS a difference. I think people have skewed the term redneck into hillbilly bordering on po' white trash and there's probably nothing all of us true rednecks can do about it. It's just that when people see shows like My Big Redneck... they are getting a false impression.
My hopes all along had been to get on the show and clarify this, but obviously they got wind of my conversation plans and nixed it in favor of the people who dangled a cigarette out of the mouth of the mounted deer head on the living room wall. Sorry, our deer is a non-smoker because of Kady's asthma.
Out of curiosity, I'd love to read comments from y'all giving me your personal idea of what a redneck reallly is. Do you think it's all mullets and wife beaters or is more duct tape and Southern engineering? Or maybe it's buying holiday centerpieces at a dollar store? Or possibly angel ornaments made out of tampons or tossing a hunk of roadkill into the turkey fryer around the holidays? Seriously, y'all, leave a comment and tell me