Friday, February 16, 2007

Poopy Peanut Butter

Damnit, I've eaten Peter Pan peanut butter since I was a kid. I hate to have to quit now.

Yesterday Tater called to tell me about the Peter Pan recall. I got my last two jars of Peter Pan when I used my last WIC voucher in December. I bought one extra because I loves - okay, loved - me some Peter Pan. I am such a peanut butter snob. No Jiff or Skippy for me, nosiree. My friend, Queen Tammy, says it's my OCD. I think I just have sensitive tastebuds. Anyway, we took one of those jars to Disney World with us last month, but because of the Dining Plan we didn't eat not one single pb&j in the hotel room. THANK GOD. I can just imagine how wonderful the trip would've been had all 9 of us come down with Salmonella on vacation.

Yes, I have two of the suspicious jars in my pantry. (Okay, HAD them in my pantry. They are now in biohazard bags in isolation on the back porch until I don my HazMat suit so that I can remove the lids and return them to ConAgra.) God only knows how many jars of Peter Pan we have consumed since last May. We are some peanut butter eatin' fools, lemme tell ya.

And I normally wouldn't get so irate over some questionable peanut butter, except that since Sunday night in the middle of the night, Kady has off and on been stricken with horrific abdominal cramps and diarrhea. Monday was her first day of school for the semester and she nearly didn't go because her stomach hurt so bad. She finally mustered up the courage to go ("But Momma, what if I POOP MY PANTS at school?!?!?") because I told her she'd be fine, figuring it was nerves. Then when she got home and crapped 5 times in an hour, I thought, Okay she'd picked up a stomach bug. But bless her heart, all dang week she's been prone to doubling over in tears with cramps or running to the bathroom, unbuttoning her drawers while she runs, hollering "Oooh! Oooh! Gotta GO, gotta GO!"

When Tater told me of the tainted peanut butter, my heart just sunk right down to my shoes. That poor child could possibly have food poisoning and I've been making her suffer. I am once again, thrown to the back of the line for Mother of the Year. I called her doctor's office and first, asked the nurse to please not laugh at me, then told her what was going on and that I was worried about the peanut butter. The normal protocol in that office is "We'll call you back", but instead yesterday I got "Hang on, I'll talk to David. DON'T hang up." She came back on the line and told me that they definitely wanted to test her for Salmonella.

That involves putting my child's poop in a cup, folks.

Ever tried to get a 5-year old to poop on command?

I picked up a lab order, a specimen cup and a "hat" today while she was in school and she heard me on the phone with my mom, telling her of the horrors that were ahead for me, what with the putting of the poop in a cup and all. When I hung up, Kady in her usual indignant fashion said, "Momma, WHY would Dawktah Dabid want me to weaw a hat? Does he want me to wook pwetty whiwe I poop?"


Cazzie!!! said...

Aww, Kady sounds sooo cute, just like my girls :)
I have to do this thing at work sometimes, as a nurse. We use a wooden stick, like a popcycle stick to get the "specimen"in the jar. Never fun, but we always hope the results are a negative for bugs so the patient is making progress.

mist1 said...

Lord, I want some peanut butter right now. This is worse than that spinach thing.

Ms.Greene said...

My girl had it to on Tuesday! I feel so awful, I thought she had picked it up from school and then I saw it on the news, checked w/ school and no one in her class had been sick like her in the last week. Checked my cabinet and had 3 jars! It could have been anyone all were marked! w/ the #'s... fyi don't wash the lids the numbers come off.

Melessa Gregg said...

We had two of those jars in the cabinet at work and our boss has been sick on and off for about a month. We didn't even bother with the lids, we just tossed those suckers into the trash. (But if I had some at home, you'd better believe I would have been sending the lids in.) I'm thinking on the bright side-once they're done with the recall, we now know that generic Wal-Mart peanut butter=Peter Pan in the "cheap" jar. (Whether or not I'm brave enough to act on that...different story.)

And yes, I'm well familiar with the suckage that is getting a little one to poop on command in some kind of speciman jar. Not fun.

Mommy Needs a Xanax said...

Wait a minute. You said "since last May." Is that how long this tainted PB has been floating around? I eat GV peanut butter all the time, but last time I bought Skippy (had a coupon) so I thought I'd lucked up and missed the tainted peanut butter because of that. If it's been floating around a while, I'm sure we've consumed a couple of full jars of it. I don't have any lids to check. PB doesn't last long around here.

RJ said...

yep, had 2 in my kitchen. I had a bout of something last month. Dr. thought it was food poisoning, but was not sure until the recall. Heck with getting my money back, I WANT the 4 days back that I lost being sick. One whole weekend shot to hell!
Hope little one is better!!

Anonymous said...

You know I love a good poop blog! I was just telling a coworker the other day that I have never been asked to poop in a cup. How bizarre! When I have to give a urine sample, I always fill the cup to make them proud. Nurses are seldom proud of chubby patients with my sense of humor, though!
Kady is too cute!

Unknown said...

Ugh! I'm a PB Snob too and only eat (ate?) Peter Pan!! I'm so sad. Last night, I bit the bullet and bought Skippy. We'll see how this goes. I don't know how my husband, son and I haven't come down with it. We eat PB sammiches every single day. And, all three jars in my cabinet were the dire 2111 jars.

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