Tuesday, November 28, 2006

just a few things

** A few weeks ago I cut myself some bangs. I have worn bangs since birth because I inherited not only my father's rapidly graying hair, but also his ginormous forehead. I was told that bangs were needed to cover the continent above my eyebrows and took that as gospel. Then a few years ago I got tired of being the only banged person in the universe and grew them out. For two years I was bangless. It was a good two years.

Let me advise thee, oh faithful readers - don't ever cut your hair when you are stressed out, depressed, sad, premenstrual, your planet is in retrograde or on the eve of your grandfather's funeral. Oh, it might seem like the thing to do at the time, but you will regret it. Trust me on this.

Even though I left the new bangs fairly long, they are still bangs and are constantly in my eyes. And maybe it's just that my bangs are just extra absorbent, like a feminine hygeine product, but my bangs soak up the oil on my forehead and therefore by about 10am they are just pathetically droopy and greasy. I swear I wash my hair, but you couldn't tell it by mid-morning.

Now begins the long drawn-out process of growing the m****r*****rs out again.


** We are anticipating snow in the next 24 to 36 hours.

Yes, I said SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! I'm simply aflutter at this prospect. I know that being a lifelong resident of Oklahoma, the state which has taken global warming very seriously, I should not get my hopes up. The forecasts always say snow and we get bupkis, but the kid in me is still hoping for a snow day this week. I got new jammies last week that are just begging to be worn all day long while I listen to my kids whine that they are borrrrrrrrred and have no toys.


** Having a TV in the bedroom again is nirvana for me. I go to sleep every night to either old cartoons on Boomerang, drifting off to the sounds of Speed Buggy's sputtering or shrieks and squeals from the stars on Celebrity Paranornal Project, courtesy of VH1. I mean, how much better can things get? We haven't even had a chance to order porn yet. I may die of happiness when that happens.


** Paul has gained 28 pounds since he started work at Buffalo Run. This is a fact that the twisted part of me finds somewhat humorous. He weighed all of 163 pounds when we got married. He is 6'1" and has always been lanky and thin. Heehee....is it wrong that I find his new belly amusing? He once told me, "If you're tired of being fat, just quit eating. It seems pretty simple to me." HA! Stick that one in your 10pm burrito and chip fest there, big boy.


** I got some new eye makeup remover a few weeks ago. I'm thinking I'm going to throw it away. Let me just say that it's a good thing I take my makeup off at night when I'm going to sleep because I'd be dangerous if my vision was this impaired during the day. I feel like I've poured baby oil directly into my eyes, then rubbed some french fries or other fast food in them as well.


** A few weeks ago I bought a counted cross-stitch kit at Dollar Tree. I figured for a buck I could try it and throw it away because I fully expected to hate it. I am not a real domestic person. Mom and Tater can sew like crazy, but me, not so much. If it hadn't been for the fact that my HomeEc teacher really liked me, I'd have flunked the 9 weeks where we sewed. I don't crochet, knit or any other activity involving yarn, thread and fabric. Until now. Now, I am addicted to counted cross-stitch. It's sad. I don't even like to hang stuff like up in my house! It's just the doing it that I'm loving. What I'll do with the projects when I'm done is beyond me.

It seems like I saw on Dooce.com, though, that somewhere there are cross-stitch kits with profanity and curse words and I will SO be looking into that. I think combining cross-stitch and cuss words is just about the coolest thing you could ever do.


** The family has made plans for Festivus this year. The last two years, just us cousins celebrated Festivus in one wild evening of nonsense and liquor. This year, the grownups are getting involved as well. (Isn't it funny that I refer to my mother, aunt and uncles as the grownups? We're still the kids in my mind.) The objective this year is to buy the tackiest gift we can find, then numbers will be applied to them upon arrival at the Festivus gathering. We'll draw for gifts, open them, then vote on the tackiest. The winner, the purchaser of The Tackiest Gift of Festivus, will receive the Turkey Award.

Papa, for some reason, had a framed picture of a turkey on the bathroom wall, next to the toilet. We aren't sure why. So, the other night when we were gathered once again at Papa's house to go through and distribute items, it was decided that the Turkey Award, the esteem framed turkey print, would be the trophy for Festivus from here on out. But here's where it gets good - the winner of the Turkey Award must hang the picture on their bathroom wall, next to the toilet for one full year. Family members will be checking.


** I love my family.


Cazzie!!! said...

The turkey award sounds just great :) Have you treid the Max FActor eye make up remover? It is fabulous and non greasy :)

Shannon said...

I would just LOOOOOVE to see a turkey picture in Keith and Alyssa's bathroom next to their toilet. HA!

Carrie said...

I also love your family!
The husband's family has an awful frog that gets passed around. The first year it was given, Grandma got it. She was blind, but felt it and said she thought that it would look nice on the back of her toilet (of course, she had no idea how silly it looked) So, the next year was the year that she lived in a nursing home, but someone went to get it and wrapped it back up. It's gone around and around, but we have never gotten it. I try to figure out which one it is, because I want my turn! Since she passed away this summer, I hope this is my year! There's no rules on where you have to put it, but I'll put it in the bathroom!

GERBEN said...

Girl I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Festivus Turkey Award idea that you and your family have come up with. I do so love it! The fact that it was Papa's picture of a turkey, that the winner will hang it in their bathroom just as he did. Great I tell you! GREAT!!

Betty said...

Festivus. What a great idea! And, I love the Turkey Award.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE Almay Makeup Remover pads. They are little individual pads and I think you can get 100 of them for about $4. Way cheaper than Clinique, less greasy, more convenient.

Hope you are enjoying the snow in your part of Oklahoma! Out west, at University of Pills, its positively NASTY!

Mrs. E said...

The cross stich items will be greatly appreciated at any family gathering where a present is needed. You can say "I made this just for YOU!!!" Trust me on this one. If you made it, family has to take it and pretend to like it.

Babs said...

Yep! Giving your cross stitch to family members as presents is just what I was thinking, too. You must do it! Even the ones with the cuss words.

I too have many problems with eye make-up remover, but you described it best complete with greasy french fries! I'll try some of the suggestions given here. I had a favorite from the Body Shop, but they quit making it.

We got the snow! But not before an all night ice storm that froze our electricity for over an hour this morning. Still, I'm thinking we got pretty close to the predicted 4-6 inches. Hope a little dropped up your way - it looks quite pretty tonight.

Stewed Hamm said...

I have a feeling that the foulmouthed cross-stitch will be appreciated by some of your family members. If not, then you could always send them to Hillbilly Mom. I know she'd find a use for them!

We....the people

Originally published in The Miami News-Record, July 2020 Everything is different now. I’m not just talking about masks and social distancing...